I Went Mask Free

Well, we had our class reunion a few weekends ago. I’ll admit-- I really didn’t really know what to expect. You go to school with people for about twelve years and you know all about them when you graduate…. Or do you? Well, on some level you do…but how shallow of us to presume we really know all about others like we think we do. We wore masks even then didn’t we? You know, it was so typical at our ten year reunion to form individual groups as we caught up with one another.( It looked like break at school the way we were all in different little circles talking.) The biggest difference at this reunion is that everyone visited everyone and boy how awesome that was! I really went to school with some really interesting people and although I really tried to know everyone during my school days, I was soooo busy with my schemes and love life I seldom thought of anyone else.(Very self absorbed) Well, I did have many things to keep up with, as I have shared in many blogs prior. The report card scandal was just one small example. I exhaust myself just thinking of all the secrets I had going on and during that time in my life. Boy, what a loaded cannon I was and YES….every single choice I made shaped and determined my life!! I have committed my life to sharing, not only with my own children, but youth in general.(and women..actually-anyone who will listen) Yes, my life is blessed NOW…but getting here was not the best path. Interestingly, everyone seemed to sense the same thing. We all seemed wiser, more mature, and truly wanted to really visit with one another. For me, it was almost as if it were a big reveal! I may have been the only one, besides Hank, that realized it, but for the first time…many of these classmates and teachers were seeing ‘Lori’ for the first time. As I briefly mentioned in my report card blog, I wore many masks! They became so familiar, I brought them right into adulthood with me. There really is no starting line that says “This is where your adult life begins and your youth ends!” Unfortunately, some of us don’t ever recognize the fact we may need to adjust our lives a bit. Well, as I was gathering memorabilia I was looking through my annuals. OH ME!!!! I can’t believe the things people actually wrote in my annual. Anna Marie---woman, you won’t do!! You just put our entire summer activities in a brief summary every single year. (It did make me laugh though..I just love you) Memories...they sure are a funny thing. Like spray painting the school parking lot… ‘maybe’ a bridge- getting busted swimming LATE at night at the Country Club—Julie would write a small essay, also. She’d recap our life for the entire year. I really enjoy reading each one of them still. Actually, several friends took up a page or half anyway. (over advertisements and everything) I get mad every single time I look at my senior annual though. I didn’t go back after school to get my most talented picture made. That is the only thing I ever even cared about getting…and I missed the picture!! Well….maybe people remembered my love for music anyway! The saddest thing , however, was as I looked closer at my senior annual, I realized I was pregnant in every single picture! Yes, I have shared that I got pregnant in the middle of my senior year and was married in March, but what many had no clue about is that I was pregnant two times during my senior year. Hank went to Mississippi State University after graduating. He was a freshman while I was still in high school. We found out I was pregnant in October just before our homecoming. I had never been homecoming maid and was very honored and excited. The doctor’s wife that I secretly allowed to test me to see if I was pregnant also took it upon herself to make an appointment for me to have an abortion. So, being naive, scared, and confused we decided that was the right thing to do.(that doctor no longer practices medicine in Houston anymore so don’t think you even know who it was) If no one ever knew, it’d be like it never happened and it would just go away.(and it was a closely guarded secret believe me) So...in early November of my senior year, that is just what I did. I will not go into the details but let’s just say…once again, my young self was wrong. I really thought I was going to die. And although I did not realize it that day, but a part of me really did die. A piece of my mother’s heart would be gone forever…a baby I would never know….and I could tell NO ONE!! So, another mask…that was the biggest I’d ever worn up until that time. The strangest twist in all this is that 3 weeks later I was back with Hank-- and 3 months later--- we were having another baby. No discussion. We were married. Oh me…..no one can even begin to imagine how hard those years really were. He never wanted to talk about it and I always wanted to. It wasn’t until ten long years later, IN NOVEMBER when I had a miscarriage, that the truth would be forced out into the open for us to really deal with. (It was 10 years almost to the day between the 2 babies) There were too many similarities between the DNC that had to be performed and the abortion(Except I was asleep for the DNC) More so than that, I wanted one baby and had not wanted the other. Well, what Satan means for evil…GOD CAN USE FOR GOOD and DID HE EVER! After much counseling , soul searching, and God’s surgery that He performed with His WORD….a great healing began.(Please note that there is no sharper, accurate, or more precise tool The Lord could have used on my heart… HIS WORD…that’s all that He needed) Our lives, marriage, and little family was finally being restored. Hank and I had several issues to work and talk through…but God was finally allowed to be in control and center of our family. Please know we by far have it all together or figured out but from that moment on--- our life has no longer been in our hands but in the Lord’s. So…as I thought back over all the things that had shaped so much of my life that had begun way back in high school… I could only wonder if anyone else could relate to the feelings I was having. Maybe not the same circumstances …but did any of us actually have a clue what was really going on when we were so young? Did adulthood sneak up on each of us and blend so with ourselves that we really never realized it was time to give up, at least some of, our juvenile ways? Even though I learned some hard life lessons --and lived through years of playing hiding- seek from God, family/friends, and myself—I will never think back with regret for my past. I know that I know I AM FORGIVEN!! I will always have a scar, that’s true. Every wound or incision leaves a scar…however, the nerve endings are no longer sensitive to the same pain as before. There will always be a reminder inside my heart from the scar left from aborting my baby .. but PRAISE God, it now has been redeemed and is a part I have allowed God to use in many ways and in others lives. Sharing with others that too have dealt with the same losses and circumstances we have has been some of the healing process for Hank and I as a couple and as individuals. It’s just now part of who we are. Actually, it changed our entire family. We have FIVE children. Of course three on this earth, and two in heaven. I feel as if our children in heaven are joined at the hip almost. The one we lost to miscarriage, in some way, introduced us to our baby we aborted. Those two children have had as much of an impact on our family life as the three with us on earth.“ God causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose”---Romans 8:28 There are many other pieces of my “life’s garbage” He’s recycled but this one is the most precious to my heart. If God did that for me…imagine what He CAN, and WILL do, for anyone!!! He’s just SO GOD!!!! I really don’t think I was the only one that wore masks in high school (matter of fact—I KNOW I wasn’t) and yes, maybe they too wore them into adulthood as well. Some, bless them, may still be wearing them, but I hope they know that life sure is better without those stuffy old things!! I can only speak for myself, but I am way too scattered to keep up with which mask I would need to have on and when.(pretty sure I suffer from adult A. D. D.) I am glad that now when anyone sees me, they are really seeing- me. Just me….no more…no less. I do not think that everyone in the world should share their stuff…but I KNOW God has called ME to share some of mine. If anyone can benefit from anything my life can offer, how can I not share? I also believe that if you keep wearing a mask… it WILL get harder to breathe and harder to keep up with all of them. I realize now when I make a friend, it’s really ME making a friend. No wonder I enjoyed visiting people at the reunion… “I” was at the reunion. Not some copy of someone else or someone afraid to be real..but me…mask free!! Hey—and the next time you think you know someone well---inside and out---just know that they too may wear a mask. Don’t ‘assume’ anything. Always be real, authentic, your true self….because in doing so…you may inspire someone else to be also. You never know now do you? And remember this as well-- when someone has spent a lifetime wearing a mask and has finally been set free from it… they can spot someone else’s a mile away….

That’s all for now,
LO

A Tale of Two Grades

Well, today started off like any another day at the races around our house. What my son thinks is so uncool about being on time for school is beyond me. Hey Walt, tardies count now!! Thank goodness they didn’t count in upper elementary! His last year at that school they mentioned giving him a special award on awards day for the most tardies…he had 45 that year. Now, he gets ready and we wait until just the right moment , then race to school so he walks in as school bell rings .( I just don’t get it) I was not like that!(jk) I know, I know…I am STILL a lot like that!! It’s funny how much our children are mirror images of ourselves at different stages in our lives. My oldest daughter ,Kati, and I have a running joke that she’s morphing into me on a daily basis. They certainly don’t see it and at times, we don’t either. I remember when my Kati was in the 8th grade and was taking Algebra 1.(anyone that knows me knows that I aced that class-- the 3rd TIME I TOOK IT-… Oh yeah, algebra and I go way back!!!) That same year ,a friend I had gone to high school with asked me to speak at a Sav-a-Life banquet at her church in Alabama. So, another good friend of ours and I loaded up and to Alabama we went! After the banquet we were all up talking and my Kati called. She informed me that she had gotten her progress report that day.She was always an A/B student so when she told me about her c in algebra….I begin this long lecture. My friends were about to hyperventilate over on the other side of the room while they told me to hold on…they had a fun time rehashing my algebra grades and history with grades in general! Needless to say, point taken and she was off the hook as I chose to show her grace----which just opens the door to expound on the “Tale of Two Grades”!! Oh me…where DO I begin? Aaahh yes, October, 1982…..First off, my friend that I stayed with that weekend and spoke at her church, was one of my very best friends in high school ,and shall I say “partner in MANY crimes” in my early high school days! [and happened to be an office worker during her study hall that year… back in the ANCIENT days when a report card WAS A ‘CARD’ and the teacher had to write them by hand and each class had an individual one] Well, it was Mississippi State’s homecoming and EVERYBODY was going to Starkville for the weekend !!! However, Thursday was report card day and I had a D in algebra. Those that don’t know me please understand my family…. My Daddy was high school principal for years ! However, The Lord HAD MERCY on my life (and his) and he went into politics way before my days at HHS!(whew!) My little Mama taught 7th grade math for 30 years ! Those that don’t know Ms. P Thomas must understand…she’s such a lady! From top to bottom---she’s a true lady! Those that don’t know me, while I’m no slob, but certainly don’t share her qualities.Ok—example …imagine if Mary Poppins had given birth to Bette Mitler---- there you have it !!(But please don’t think my mama favors Julie Andrews…she actually has always favored Natalie Wood and Mary Tyler Moore to me—either way—she beautiful) Bless her little worn out heart!! With that out of the way let me return to our “brilliant” plan. My friend was also struggling in algebra so guess what we did? I can just hear her now,”Why don’t we get fake report cards?” Light bulb went off as it seemed like a win/ win solution. Parents happy, me happy…life is good! Now I think that time I changed it to a B. Mama and Daddy were thrilled-- we went to MSU’s Homecoming---life WAS good! I placed fake card in my locker at school because I knew I would need it next time report cards came out. No way I could turn back now…the real ones had my parents forged signature on it. I was really good at both their ‘autographs’ so it seemed smooth sailing.[ ‘Oh what a tangled web’] Next six weeks, around Christmas, grades looked bad in English, Biology, of course Algebra still was awful and actually, they all looked bad. So….oh yes we did…every subject got an upgrade.(even marketing and typing classes) Now, no more average Joe! Holidays were coming around , and it’s the “most wonderful time of the year” and what better gift to give my parents….straight A’s and B’s!!! Hey, especially Mama was thrilled I pulled my algebra up from a B to an A…. high A too!! ( the higher the climb-the HARDER the fall—or CRASH in this case..I have sweaty palms as a type just thinking about it all now) You know…it took a lot of skill to keep up with the lies and not losing the other set of cards. Looks like I could have placed that energy into studying. Ya think? Well, summer is just around the corner ,and I was about to be home free it seemed. I do remember it was beginning to make me numb inside and was feeling the lie I was living. Well, one of my teachers happened to be in the court house one day and ran into my daddy….you know it….BUSTED!!! Oh was I ever!!! This part of the day is forever burned into my memory. First of all on the way home I passed my sister,Kathy, in the road and SHE shook her finger at ME. She NEVER did that so I knew I was caught about something but just wasn’t sure WHICH thing it was!! So, I walked into the door of the kitchen where my mama ,as always at 4 in the afternoon , was cooking supper. Her nose was red which was NEVER good. (she and I have what I call the ‘red nose curse’ that always occurs when you cry-dead give away) She turned to me as if it were slow motion. The only thing she got out of her mouth was “What was your real grade in Algebra?” When I breathlessly answered “27”—DOWN SHE WENT!!!! Out like a light I tell you! I frantically ran to the phone that hung on the wall and called Kathy. I was screaming “I killed Mama, I killed Mama!” I hung up and threw water on her and everything. Oh--did I feel bad bad bad or what!!!! Well, the only other thing I remember was my punishment. My parents should have locked me in a cage or beaten me but….[huge lesson in grace]….they did neither of these things. In fact, the punishment was quiet appropriate. Having only 3 weeks left of school it was imperative I knock the top out of every grade I could! Algebra, as I knew it that year, was over but by the grace of God, I got caught in time to pull all other grades up. I could not go anywhere, talk on the phone to anyone, and had to study A LOT!!! It became a team effort and actually enjoyed hanging out with my parents for a change. I passed every class and made almost straight A’s on all my final exams! It showed myself and reaffirmed what mama and daddy had ALWAYS said…I could make excellent grades if I would just study! It may seem I got off easy…but wait…oh there is more!! When school was over, I was free to regain my social activities, BUT----EVERY weekday morning for the month of June I had to walk with Mama and Kathy a few miles (AWFUL) AND Mama tutored me when we got back until noon in Algebra. Oh…that was the most horrible way to start summer vacation off but…I got in shape and finally learned how to do Algebra. I really did have a final grade of 97 in Algebra the next time I took in. My mama is, and always was, and excellent teacher. Well, the next few years in high school, I made average grades and yes….I studied. I learned many lessons that year. The biggest one….don’t EVER listen to ‘my friend’ again!! Just kidding! No…the main thing I learned was I begin to see , even then, that it’s much better to be really bad at something and ask for help-even if it seems like a set back—rather than pretending to be something we’re not. To wear a mask is exhausting and requires way too much energy. No wonder I really never had any substance in friendships, or any relationships at that age. I was just putting on one mask after another. I did not know who in the world I was so how was anyone else supposed to? Well, I am glad those days are far behind me and God gave me enough wisdom to know how and when to share my past life with my children.(and my mama and daddy) I am so thankful my children have learned from many of my mistakes and though we have laughed, and cried over a few of my past choices, God has used each of them! I am so thankful my parents showed me grace because it spoke louder than any other action that they could have taken! I wish I could say that was the end of my mischievous behavior but.. I can not!!! There was MUCH more that would follow that…however….that’s just all I can tell you for now…but I will say that I NEVER-- EVER had a fake report card again!
Well, I had better go to sleep so I can wake my Walt up early so he can get up- get ready- and leave for school once again as if we were in a race-- just to get there in the nick of time! You know…that’s really no big deal now is it? That’s the least I can do!! I have two choices it seems. I can tell him he will go in plenty of time because I SAID SO…or show him grace and let Walt just be Walt. Thanks to Mama and Daddy, I chose grace.
Until next time—
LO

A Song for Hank

Let me just say that writer’s block just stinks! I have been writing a song for the past couple of days and it’s just about to drive me insaine . I wrote the music in a few hours and am still tweeking it here and there…but the lyrics…. Oh my word! The chorus is done and first verse…well let’s just say… it’s there. But that’s all I’ve got. It is almost like childbirth…(well, not really)but if you have ever created something or any sort of project, you know the feeling. It makes this all the more frustrating because IT IS FOR HANK! In 25 years, I have never written a song just ‘for him’. I have written poems- letters- but no song. I have written about everything BUT my Hank. Why - you may ask? Well, who knows??? One thing ,I think ,is that other lives and love stories(my younger daughter’s for one) have been one for the books!! SERIOUS movie material! Other ‘moments’ in my life that have captured my attention and imagination have been written about…but not Hank…with us it’s the everyday, normal…dependable…predictable…(well, my household is anything but predictable but you get the point) The exciting, breathtaking things that stop my heart can crank out lyrics from me quicker than anything but what Hank and I have shared is the real deal and honestly, sometimes that’s the hardest to write about! IT IS SO HARD TO WRITE about something happy to me .(in a song that is) I can be sooo inspired in a snot-slinging, ice cream eating, heart wrenching meltdown that myself or someone else may be going through. ( you KNOW what I’m talking about)But how do I write a song about everything we’ve been through?How do you sum it all up? I can be on a roll of inspiration and then he’ll make me soooo mad! For example, the other day our 3 year old granddaughter threw up in our den . While I was with her in the back of the house and getting her taken care of…I hear a spraying noise coming from the den. I knew I was out of carpet cleaner and yelled the question down the hall. “What are you spraying in there?” His reply was a sheepish… “nothing”. Hours later when all was calm and back to normal I asked the question again. His answer was “ SCRUBBING BUBBLES!!” (for my BATHTUB) Bless his heart…he sure is special. So, in between busy days and life happening, it’s hard to focus on just what I’d like to really express in a song…just for him…so, I sit at my piano and play. I hear the title as I sing the chorus…I clearly hear this inside my heart as I hear the chords---“I’d Choose You Again”. The music always comes first and as I play it over and over…the words began to surface. The words are in the music…but WHERE ARE THEY?? As most of you may know, Hank and I don’t have a normal story. (By the way.. “normal” is a setting on the dryer) But ours has not been one you would dream of as a little girl. I was pregnant and married in the middle of my senior year.(Is that a country song or what…but I don’t do country -- oh well.) Our life has been hard and I am pretty sure the first 10 years didn’t even count. Oh but did things ever change just before our ten year anniversary!!! We renewed our wedding vows in a special ceremony and really just started over. We learned the hardest way possible that The Lord had to be in the dead center of us to ever make our marriage work. So…here it is , 25 years later and although it’s still been uphill at times…. there is no resemblance of the way we were before! So, I sit at the piano..listening…remembering. Oh the early days…I could get mad, and did , over silly things. ANYTHING. Sometimes he deserved it, sometimes he did not. I remember the first time I made biscuits. They were like little bricks. He looked at me and then the window and said he thought if he threw it at the window, it’d break. (he was so right and I laugh now—not that day though)Mad isn’t the word I can even use to describe how I reacted at the time!!! (Remember…very horomonal and pregnant…I threw bowl of stewed potatoes at him.) Poor thing, I could not cook or do anything when we first married. My Mama even gave me a recipe for BAKED POTATOES! He wore pink underwear for 3 years , and I broke every piece of our everyday dishes we received as wedding gifts-- except a few dinner plates. I threw them all in anger…at him! Once I got after him with pasta claws and even drew blood. (lol still have them and at times still shake them at him…playing though..NOW) Yes, I had a BAD temper to say the least. We just had a really rough time getting started and had no clue how to communicate ! Mostly, we had no clue what REAL love was. As life hit us harder and harder we made many, many mistakes. We each made bad choice after bad choice and tried to fix, hide, or ignore every problem we had. Well, that ended in a train wreck and we were sooooo shattered only God could see the fragments of our lives. He sent people into our lives that helped us study, live, and love according to God’s word. Someday I may go into the issues we faced because someone reading I am sure has been in the same place we were or maybe you are now. Just know WE ARE A MIRACLE!!!!!! If God can heal us, He can heal ANYONE!!! One of my very favorite names of God is Jehova-Rapha which means the God who heals! (AMEN) Now, our life is still hard at times but not in the same way. BIG DIFFERENCE!! The Hank and Lori before don’t even exist!!! [ He might be dead if God hadn’t dealt with my temper. I had a lot of hurt and scars that I had just bandaged up until God touched the depth of me and helped out of the pit] So…maybe this IS the song! Everything we have been through ,grown through, and forgiven through has shaped our lives and made us who we are. I know that I know he loves me with all he is! I also realize more and more ,even as I have been writing this blog, I really , really love this man. We have truly grown up together, and he’s also my very best friend. Even though EVERYTHING we have done has been hard it seems….we sure have had fun! We have 3 amazing kids and wonderful friends! We seem to always have a house full of people.(this is why I must get away sometimes—but I love it!!) We have had more laughter in our little house than I could hope for and the love certainly overflows! I would not trade one day for what we now share. See, this is much more than a song….it’s “our life”. I DO NOT do needle work but know when you look at the back of someone’s finished work it looks like a bunch of tangled thread…however when you turn it around and view the front--- it’s a beautiful picture. I know that’s how I look at our life together. WHAT A MESS until God made into a beautiful work of His art!!I am truly thankful for that! Now, I must get on this song….and hey…this is what little girls dream of AFTER ALL!! To be loved ! Simply just be loved! Well, it seems the words to this song are already written it seems….I just have to properly chose the ones that most fit this music. I better get off the computer and onto the piano now and finish this song ! And I think I may get up early in the morning and cook biscuits for breakfast…..NOT ON YOUR LIFE!!!!!
That’s all I can tell you for now,
LO

My Tree, My Swing...My Heart

A friend of mine asked me recently how I found the TIME or the TOPICS to write about on this blog. I answered something like this…. “Do you remember those ‘magic’ 8 balls we all had as children? Well, we’d ask a question and shake the fire out of them and see the answer that was sure to be the final say to all our questions.(NOT) Anyway, some days I wake up and feel like I have been shaken and the topic is just there before my eyes! I will confess at times I have sat down to write about something and a total different subject flows out onto the screen! And how do I find the time? How do I NOT find the time? A man asked me last night if I had “written on my blog today” and I laughed and told him I had not because I had gone to Memphis/Tupelo however had had the urge to pull off in a nook somewhere and write. I can not-not write. I have tried to get all the tasks marked off my “to do” list before I started writing today, but gave up!!! It’s hopeless….I just had to grab my laptop and write away! So… I settle down and see what’s there, but you see…I already know what’s there. It’s been there for several days but I am not sure how to share this ---so I’ll just simply begin.
Several days ago I was sitting outside at my parents’ house in the swing in my most special place of all time!! The place between their house and the next door neighbors’.(My other home growing up..The Uhirens )Oh me….the MANY stories I have from that family and that I know they have about me - but that’s NOT the point. I will say,however, that my very favorite thing- that was MISSING from MY SPOT was the huge Pin Oak Tree I spent many
days sitting under!! They cut it down a few years ago ,but before Steve Uhiren passed away, he planted a lovely tree that is now just the right size and casts the perfect shade so….It’s ok and what a great memorial for Steve! A few years ago, my precious daddy planted a seedling from my oak tree in our front side yard so it still lives on today but will forever live in my heart as well. As I sat there, not only did memories overtake me, but I could feel them as well. It was enough breeze and chill in the air to take me back…so far back. I could almost see my friends and me catching the leaves on a fall afternoon from that great oak tree as the wind began to blow them from the branches. I remembered playing cars in the dirt under the tree with Tony (Uhiren)when we were younger. (He also talked me into playing chicken with a pocket knife…I stood there and he threw the knife at my feet while I didn’t move-what a stupid game and was I an idiot or what?) He also taught me to play football in the shade of that old tree, and I learned to flip him over my back and onto the ground.(I blame him today for my back problems) As I recall, he even asked me to sing in his wedding sitting under that very tree in my parents driveway on the same day I told him I was pregnant with my second child.(That I went into labor with at his reception) I also remember one October afternoon sitting in that very swing back in, 1979 when we were in the 7th and 8th grade, convincing him he needed to ask my best friend to be his girlfriend! For some reason [I never really understood fully] all the girls were head over hills crazy about him…Tony? Really? Well, maybe I knew him when he had one front tooth missing and the other was silver and we fought more that we did anything,…BUT one thing was for sure… he was the closest thing to a brother I had ever known!! So…he chose my best friend—Deanna Arrington (now Uhiren)—so I guess I did good!!! They always were a perfect fit! They have been married 23 years this June 20th and still are going strong and actually are getting ready for their daughters wedding next June. TIME FLIES!!! As I sat there, I also remembered the many tears I cried under that tree!! See, Tony and I made a deal on that October afternoon sitting in that swing so long ago-- He chose Deanna but the catch was…I had to choose his friend….GROSS! But for Deanna, I’d endure it for a ‘little’ while. Well, that’s where it all began. We all had so much fun together and …if your memory can stretch that far … remember in Jr. High you really have no life …so- we determined to create our on and… we did just that! We stayed plenty busy with our ‘social life’. What stared out as a ‘little’ while lasted over a year. (at age 13…that was an eternity lol) I broke up with him and he went to high school and I was history. Of course I wanted to get back together but after many silly break-ups and spats…he WAS DONE with me! I WAS SHOCKED! After making myself …and everyone around me miserable… I finally came to grips with the fact we were really over and by the time my freshman year came, I was ok with it all. Even though I had a boyfriend -- sort of-- deep inside -- I ALWAYS thought we’d get back together. Then finally, I started dating a guy and guess who was dating my new fellow’s sister? (little ironic ya think?) However, it was the greatest gift because we truly , truly became BEST FRIENDS!! We laughed and sometimes I cried over whatever drama was going on in my life at the time(imagine that) but we always had a great time together! I remember going with him to get a Christmas tree one year for their family. I was walking along and the next thing I knew it I was in the middle of many cows! Scared me to DEATH!! I was SURROUNDED by them and I was screaming to the top of my lungs and he had to come pick me up and literally carry me out from the midst of them over his shoulder. Like Tony, I had a real special place in my heart for my friend--ALMOST like a brother or best friend but I was just SO confused….he never actually said it, but I think he had to be too. In between every break-up with his girl(her brother and I were history by now)…..I always really thought in the back of my mind---ok, now it’s going to be our time. We’d hang out all the time. We may just go swing at the park… bowling… or whatever…just do nothing but always knew the other one could be there in a second if one needed the other. Well, as the summer was winding down, so were my patients. I was totally convinced he felt the same way and I could not take this any more. We spent every day together and the looks, the flirting, and even a kiss just cinched it for me. I know this all sounds so immature and silly now, but just know at that time in my life…that WAS my life! I had played this moment in my mind hundreds of times and each time I saw it ending beautifully. I’d waited almost 4 years for this moment so--being true to my nature---I HAD to tell him. I was so scared! He never knew I had had those feelings and certainly did not know that I had really never gotten over him. Did he not feel this all too? I had four years worth of pictures, poems, letters, borrowed for some reason- and most importantly…every single memory we’d ever made was deep inside my heart! Now…the time had come because I HAD TO KNOW once and for all!! Finally one summer night in late August, I came clean and poured my heart out to him… everything….I held nothing back…and much to my surprise…he didn’t return the feelings.[ I could not believe how wrong I had been... he really did not love me. Never had] All these years I had just been dreaming? I remember feeling paralyzed, ashamed, and some emotions I couldn’t even put a name to. Yes, he had been my best friend, but so much more…he was the heart of me. I was devastated! School started shortly after that and in humiliation I had to face him at school. What HAD I been thinking and how could I have been SO wrong?[I had always been so good at calling people on their true feelings..but not that time] Now all the hopes and dreams I had always held with a secret anticipation that we’d someday be together were gone. I was hurt and what do people that are hurting do best???? HURT OTHER PEOPLE! While sitting in class, we got into a heated argument and I just hauled off and slapped him harder than I thought I could ever slap anyone.(never had slapped anyone before but I sure did that day) And that was just the beginning….he was planning a back to school bon fire and he wrote and handed out slips of paper that invited everyone and in parenthesis were the words(except Lori Thomas) I really just wanted to die. One thing I really tried to remember when I became a parent is not to ever discount young love…it’s real to them and it DOES HURT! As I sat in the swing at Mama’s that afternoon, I still could vividly remember the pain my young heart felt so many years back.I also remembered crying until I could no longer cry! All my friends were sick and tired of hearing me moan and groan and back then, you just didn’t talk to your parents like you can now. So, for the most part, I tried to just hide it….just pretend the hurt had gone away…put a mask on which-- began a pattern in my life that lasted many, many years. Life, as I had known it, was over. All our friends were mutual… ‘our friends’. Where could I hide? What was I supposed to do now—or go? I was shattered and everywhere I looked were fragments of my young heart and life! As ridiculous as this may sound ,please understand this was my heart and all I’d ever wanted or known… in an instant… was gone! Wouldn’t you know it…it was fall…again and as I sat in the swing one afternoon—I just decided to walk right out of my life. (and basically that is just what I did)Anyone that was my friend back then may not have even noticed but I begin slipping away a little piece at a time and….I left my life. I walked away from every close friendship I had ever known. God was watching me even then(prevenient grace) and actually sent Hank Harrington into my life. For the remainder of that year, I was always with Hank. Seldom was I ever was with anyone else, besides my sister that loved me NO MATTER WHAT!! (She will have a blog dedicated just for her own one day but not this day…just know I would not have survived all that without her loving heart and shoulders to lean on which I am surprised I didn’t break I leaned so hard…I love you so much, Kathy..thanks for helping me grow up) Now, it has all worked out over time and I am blesses with a true and real love with my Hank and God has given us the most special love! I have told him many times that he was ,besides my family, the only person that has really ever loved me! (as it should be) What a gift his love has been and I love him with all I am!! But the first several years were a mess!!! I had so much unresolved junk and learned the hard way that you NEVER walk away from your life or a bad circumstances.(EVEN IF YOU ARE A TEENAGER…IT ALL MATTERS) Each choice determines where you end up so pay close attention where you are heading. Walking away from difficulty became a way of coping for me. When my daughters begin to date , I listened with ALL MY HEART to every detail and boy there were many details, but I never wanted them to not walk through situations and never encouraged them to walk away from them.(With all things in their lives) Even though my life is in a TOTALLY different place now, I sat on that swing at Mama’s the other day and went straight back in time to a place I hadn’t been in so long…. To a place where my first love had basically ended just where it had began. A place that I had long since forgotten- where a young heart had completely lost its way and really had given up… to a place where the shadows gathered in the corners of my heart. No one really ever knew how broken I was and how deep that hurt really went and certainly just how long it took my heart to recover. Now that I am a parent-- that really scares me. At age 16 we don’t realize we have so many more spaces to fill and God has so much more growing up for us to do!! I am better for all the valleys I have endured and have faced in my life but am thankful He gave me the desire to look back so He could show me EVEN THEN He loved me and was just waiting on me to love Him!(and BELIEVE ME THE VALLEYS GOT MUCH DEEPER AND HARDER THAN ENDURING THE LOSS OF YOUR FIRST LOVE) As I write this , may we all remember the valleys and mountains we must endure and overcome in this life are a given, but remember it’s the little things that may have led us to happen upon them in the first place. Whatever hurt, disappointment, or circumstances you may find yourself in today --just know that God uses and cares for every bit of it!!(He wastes NOTHING and He has shown this to Hank and myself OVER AND OVER) I seldom see my old ‘friend’ anymore although from time to time we meet in passing. I have often wondered if he ever really knew how much I cared for him back then and just how deeply I was hurt…then wonder if he even cared. Well, some things will always remain a mystery I guess. Although I would NEVER go back even ONE DAY of my life because I KNOW I am exactly were God created me to be and with the one He created me to be with(thank you Lord for that)… I would change one thing and that would be that I would have not ruined a perfectly good friendship. It’s sad we could not have remained friends and I wish hadn’t read so much more into something that obviously was just my ‘hopeless romantic’ self getting in the way.(Probably too much Days of our Lives..lol) Well…I have learned quite a lot over the years and hope that what I have learned has made me a better wife, parent , friend and just a better person in general. One thing is for certain, I listen to what others say and especially the things they don’t say…for those unspoken words are often the loudest. And you never know what someone, YOUNG and old are going through so ---go sit in your ‘swing’ and remember what it was like to be young , hurt, or whatever you have chosen to just walk away from without letting go of… It’s still there you know. You may find, like I did, you learned some really lousy ways of dealing with life way back in your younger days. It’s ok to look back and remember just don’t forget to LET GO before you walk away….and maybe, just maybe, you’ll catch a glimpse of yourself and you will smile at how much you have grown and learned from life so far… .. One thing I know…I am going shopping for a swing for my oak tree in my front yard…actually, the place between our house and my neighbors house…it’s the perfect spot after all.

That’s all for now,
LO