My Tree, My Swing...My Heart

A friend of mine asked me recently how I found the TIME or the TOPICS to write about on this blog. I answered something like this…. “Do you remember those ‘magic’ 8 balls we all had as children? Well, we’d ask a question and shake the fire out of them and see the answer that was sure to be the final say to all our questions.(NOT) Anyway, some days I wake up and feel like I have been shaken and the topic is just there before my eyes! I will confess at times I have sat down to write about something and a total different subject flows out onto the screen! And how do I find the time? How do I NOT find the time? A man asked me last night if I had “written on my blog today” and I laughed and told him I had not because I had gone to Memphis/Tupelo however had had the urge to pull off in a nook somewhere and write. I can not-not write. I have tried to get all the tasks marked off my “to do” list before I started writing today, but gave up!!! It’s hopeless….I just had to grab my laptop and write away! So… I settle down and see what’s there, but you see…I already know what’s there. It’s been there for several days but I am not sure how to share this ---so I’ll just simply begin.
Several days ago I was sitting outside at my parents’ house in the swing in my most special place of all time!! The place between their house and the next door neighbors’.(My other home growing up..The Uhirens )Oh me….the MANY stories I have from that family and that I know they have about me - but that’s NOT the point. I will say,however, that my very favorite thing- that was MISSING from MY SPOT was the huge Pin Oak Tree I spent many
days sitting under!! They cut it down a few years ago ,but before Steve Uhiren passed away, he planted a lovely tree that is now just the right size and casts the perfect shade so….It’s ok and what a great memorial for Steve! A few years ago, my precious daddy planted a seedling from my oak tree in our front side yard so it still lives on today but will forever live in my heart as well. As I sat there, not only did memories overtake me, but I could feel them as well. It was enough breeze and chill in the air to take me back…so far back. I could almost see my friends and me catching the leaves on a fall afternoon from that great oak tree as the wind began to blow them from the branches. I remembered playing cars in the dirt under the tree with Tony (Uhiren)when we were younger. (He also talked me into playing chicken with a pocket knife…I stood there and he threw the knife at my feet while I didn’t move-what a stupid game and was I an idiot or what?) He also taught me to play football in the shade of that old tree, and I learned to flip him over my back and onto the ground.(I blame him today for my back problems) As I recall, he even asked me to sing in his wedding sitting under that very tree in my parents driveway on the same day I told him I was pregnant with my second child.(That I went into labor with at his reception) I also remember one October afternoon sitting in that very swing back in, 1979 when we were in the 7th and 8th grade, convincing him he needed to ask my best friend to be his girlfriend! For some reason [I never really understood fully] all the girls were head over hills crazy about him…Tony? Really? Well, maybe I knew him when he had one front tooth missing and the other was silver and we fought more that we did anything,…BUT one thing was for sure… he was the closest thing to a brother I had ever known!! So…he chose my best friend—Deanna Arrington (now Uhiren)—so I guess I did good!!! They always were a perfect fit! They have been married 23 years this June 20th and still are going strong and actually are getting ready for their daughters wedding next June. TIME FLIES!!! As I sat there, I also remembered the many tears I cried under that tree!! See, Tony and I made a deal on that October afternoon sitting in that swing so long ago-- He chose Deanna but the catch was…I had to choose his friend….GROSS! But for Deanna, I’d endure it for a ‘little’ while. Well, that’s where it all began. We all had so much fun together and …if your memory can stretch that far … remember in Jr. High you really have no life …so- we determined to create our on and… we did just that! We stayed plenty busy with our ‘social life’. What stared out as a ‘little’ while lasted over a year. (at age 13…that was an eternity lol) I broke up with him and he went to high school and I was history. Of course I wanted to get back together but after many silly break-ups and spats…he WAS DONE with me! I WAS SHOCKED! After making myself …and everyone around me miserable… I finally came to grips with the fact we were really over and by the time my freshman year came, I was ok with it all. Even though I had a boyfriend -- sort of-- deep inside -- I ALWAYS thought we’d get back together. Then finally, I started dating a guy and guess who was dating my new fellow’s sister? (little ironic ya think?) However, it was the greatest gift because we truly , truly became BEST FRIENDS!! We laughed and sometimes I cried over whatever drama was going on in my life at the time(imagine that) but we always had a great time together! I remember going with him to get a Christmas tree one year for their family. I was walking along and the next thing I knew it I was in the middle of many cows! Scared me to DEATH!! I was SURROUNDED by them and I was screaming to the top of my lungs and he had to come pick me up and literally carry me out from the midst of them over his shoulder. Like Tony, I had a real special place in my heart for my friend--ALMOST like a brother or best friend but I was just SO confused….he never actually said it, but I think he had to be too. In between every break-up with his girl(her brother and I were history by now)…..I always really thought in the back of my mind---ok, now it’s going to be our time. We’d hang out all the time. We may just go swing at the park… bowling… or whatever…just do nothing but always knew the other one could be there in a second if one needed the other. Well, as the summer was winding down, so were my patients. I was totally convinced he felt the same way and I could not take this any more. We spent every day together and the looks, the flirting, and even a kiss just cinched it for me. I know this all sounds so immature and silly now, but just know at that time in my life…that WAS my life! I had played this moment in my mind hundreds of times and each time I saw it ending beautifully. I’d waited almost 4 years for this moment so--being true to my nature---I HAD to tell him. I was so scared! He never knew I had had those feelings and certainly did not know that I had really never gotten over him. Did he not feel this all too? I had four years worth of pictures, poems, letters, borrowed for some reason- and most importantly…every single memory we’d ever made was deep inside my heart! Now…the time had come because I HAD TO KNOW once and for all!! Finally one summer night in late August, I came clean and poured my heart out to him… everything….I held nothing back…and much to my surprise…he didn’t return the feelings.[ I could not believe how wrong I had been... he really did not love me. Never had] All these years I had just been dreaming? I remember feeling paralyzed, ashamed, and some emotions I couldn’t even put a name to. Yes, he had been my best friend, but so much more…he was the heart of me. I was devastated! School started shortly after that and in humiliation I had to face him at school. What HAD I been thinking and how could I have been SO wrong?[I had always been so good at calling people on their true feelings..but not that time] Now all the hopes and dreams I had always held with a secret anticipation that we’d someday be together were gone. I was hurt and what do people that are hurting do best???? HURT OTHER PEOPLE! While sitting in class, we got into a heated argument and I just hauled off and slapped him harder than I thought I could ever slap anyone.(never had slapped anyone before but I sure did that day) And that was just the beginning….he was planning a back to school bon fire and he wrote and handed out slips of paper that invited everyone and in parenthesis were the words(except Lori Thomas) I really just wanted to die. One thing I really tried to remember when I became a parent is not to ever discount young love…it’s real to them and it DOES HURT! As I sat in the swing at Mama’s that afternoon, I still could vividly remember the pain my young heart felt so many years back.I also remembered crying until I could no longer cry! All my friends were sick and tired of hearing me moan and groan and back then, you just didn’t talk to your parents like you can now. So, for the most part, I tried to just hide it….just pretend the hurt had gone away…put a mask on which-- began a pattern in my life that lasted many, many years. Life, as I had known it, was over. All our friends were mutual… ‘our friends’. Where could I hide? What was I supposed to do now—or go? I was shattered and everywhere I looked were fragments of my young heart and life! As ridiculous as this may sound ,please understand this was my heart and all I’d ever wanted or known… in an instant… was gone! Wouldn’t you know it…it was fall…again and as I sat in the swing one afternoon—I just decided to walk right out of my life. (and basically that is just what I did)Anyone that was my friend back then may not have even noticed but I begin slipping away a little piece at a time and….I left my life. I walked away from every close friendship I had ever known. God was watching me even then(prevenient grace) and actually sent Hank Harrington into my life. For the remainder of that year, I was always with Hank. Seldom was I ever was with anyone else, besides my sister that loved me NO MATTER WHAT!! (She will have a blog dedicated just for her own one day but not this day…just know I would not have survived all that without her loving heart and shoulders to lean on which I am surprised I didn’t break I leaned so hard…I love you so much, Kathy..thanks for helping me grow up) Now, it has all worked out over time and I am blesses with a true and real love with my Hank and God has given us the most special love! I have told him many times that he was ,besides my family, the only person that has really ever loved me! (as it should be) What a gift his love has been and I love him with all I am!! But the first several years were a mess!!! I had so much unresolved junk and learned the hard way that you NEVER walk away from your life or a bad circumstances.(EVEN IF YOU ARE A TEENAGER…IT ALL MATTERS) Each choice determines where you end up so pay close attention where you are heading. Walking away from difficulty became a way of coping for me. When my daughters begin to date , I listened with ALL MY HEART to every detail and boy there were many details, but I never wanted them to not walk through situations and never encouraged them to walk away from them.(With all things in their lives) Even though my life is in a TOTALLY different place now, I sat on that swing at Mama’s the other day and went straight back in time to a place I hadn’t been in so long…. To a place where my first love had basically ended just where it had began. A place that I had long since forgotten- where a young heart had completely lost its way and really had given up… to a place where the shadows gathered in the corners of my heart. No one really ever knew how broken I was and how deep that hurt really went and certainly just how long it took my heart to recover. Now that I am a parent-- that really scares me. At age 16 we don’t realize we have so many more spaces to fill and God has so much more growing up for us to do!! I am better for all the valleys I have endured and have faced in my life but am thankful He gave me the desire to look back so He could show me EVEN THEN He loved me and was just waiting on me to love Him!(and BELIEVE ME THE VALLEYS GOT MUCH DEEPER AND HARDER THAN ENDURING THE LOSS OF YOUR FIRST LOVE) As I write this , may we all remember the valleys and mountains we must endure and overcome in this life are a given, but remember it’s the little things that may have led us to happen upon them in the first place. Whatever hurt, disappointment, or circumstances you may find yourself in today --just know that God uses and cares for every bit of it!!(He wastes NOTHING and He has shown this to Hank and myself OVER AND OVER) I seldom see my old ‘friend’ anymore although from time to time we meet in passing. I have often wondered if he ever really knew how much I cared for him back then and just how deeply I was hurt…then wonder if he even cared. Well, some things will always remain a mystery I guess. Although I would NEVER go back even ONE DAY of my life because I KNOW I am exactly were God created me to be and with the one He created me to be with(thank you Lord for that)… I would change one thing and that would be that I would have not ruined a perfectly good friendship. It’s sad we could not have remained friends and I wish hadn’t read so much more into something that obviously was just my ‘hopeless romantic’ self getting in the way.(Probably too much Days of our Lives..lol) Well…I have learned quite a lot over the years and hope that what I have learned has made me a better wife, parent , friend and just a better person in general. One thing is for certain, I listen to what others say and especially the things they don’t say…for those unspoken words are often the loudest. And you never know what someone, YOUNG and old are going through so ---go sit in your ‘swing’ and remember what it was like to be young , hurt, or whatever you have chosen to just walk away from without letting go of… It’s still there you know. You may find, like I did, you learned some really lousy ways of dealing with life way back in your younger days. It’s ok to look back and remember just don’t forget to LET GO before you walk away….and maybe, just maybe, you’ll catch a glimpse of yourself and you will smile at how much you have grown and learned from life so far… .. One thing I know…I am going shopping for a swing for my oak tree in my front yard…actually, the place between our house and my neighbors house…it’s the perfect spot after all.

That’s all for now,
LO