I Went Mask Free

Well, we had our class reunion a few weekends ago. I’ll admit-- I really didn’t really know what to expect. You go to school with people for about twelve years and you know all about them when you graduate…. Or do you? Well, on some level you do…but how shallow of us to presume we really know all about others like we think we do. We wore masks even then didn’t we? You know, it was so typical at our ten year reunion to form individual groups as we caught up with one another.( It looked like break at school the way we were all in different little circles talking.) The biggest difference at this reunion is that everyone visited everyone and boy how awesome that was! I really went to school with some really interesting people and although I really tried to know everyone during my school days, I was soooo busy with my schemes and love life I seldom thought of anyone else.(Very self absorbed) Well, I did have many things to keep up with, as I have shared in many blogs prior. The report card scandal was just one small example. I exhaust myself just thinking of all the secrets I had going on and during that time in my life. Boy, what a loaded cannon I was and YES….every single choice I made shaped and determined my life!! I have committed my life to sharing, not only with my own children, but youth in general.(and women..actually-anyone who will listen) Yes, my life is blessed NOW…but getting here was not the best path. Interestingly, everyone seemed to sense the same thing. We all seemed wiser, more mature, and truly wanted to really visit with one another. For me, it was almost as if it were a big reveal! I may have been the only one, besides Hank, that realized it, but for the first time…many of these classmates and teachers were seeing ‘Lori’ for the first time. As I briefly mentioned in my report card blog, I wore many masks! They became so familiar, I brought them right into adulthood with me. There really is no starting line that says “This is where your adult life begins and your youth ends!” Unfortunately, some of us don’t ever recognize the fact we may need to adjust our lives a bit. Well, as I was gathering memorabilia I was looking through my annuals. OH ME!!!! I can’t believe the things people actually wrote in my annual. Anna Marie---woman, you won’t do!! You just put our entire summer activities in a brief summary every single year. (It did make me laugh though..I just love you) Memories...they sure are a funny thing. Like spray painting the school parking lot… ‘maybe’ a bridge- getting busted swimming LATE at night at the Country Club—Julie would write a small essay, also. She’d recap our life for the entire year. I really enjoy reading each one of them still. Actually, several friends took up a page or half anyway. (over advertisements and everything) I get mad every single time I look at my senior annual though. I didn’t go back after school to get my most talented picture made. That is the only thing I ever even cared about getting…and I missed the picture!! Well….maybe people remembered my love for music anyway! The saddest thing , however, was as I looked closer at my senior annual, I realized I was pregnant in every single picture! Yes, I have shared that I got pregnant in the middle of my senior year and was married in March, but what many had no clue about is that I was pregnant two times during my senior year. Hank went to Mississippi State University after graduating. He was a freshman while I was still in high school. We found out I was pregnant in October just before our homecoming. I had never been homecoming maid and was very honored and excited. The doctor’s wife that I secretly allowed to test me to see if I was pregnant also took it upon herself to make an appointment for me to have an abortion. So, being naive, scared, and confused we decided that was the right thing to do.(that doctor no longer practices medicine in Houston anymore so don’t think you even know who it was) If no one ever knew, it’d be like it never happened and it would just go away.(and it was a closely guarded secret believe me) So...in early November of my senior year, that is just what I did. I will not go into the details but let’s just say…once again, my young self was wrong. I really thought I was going to die. And although I did not realize it that day, but a part of me really did die. A piece of my mother’s heart would be gone forever…a baby I would never know….and I could tell NO ONE!! So, another mask…that was the biggest I’d ever worn up until that time. The strangest twist in all this is that 3 weeks later I was back with Hank-- and 3 months later--- we were having another baby. No discussion. We were married. Oh me…..no one can even begin to imagine how hard those years really were. He never wanted to talk about it and I always wanted to. It wasn’t until ten long years later, IN NOVEMBER when I had a miscarriage, that the truth would be forced out into the open for us to really deal with. (It was 10 years almost to the day between the 2 babies) There were too many similarities between the DNC that had to be performed and the abortion(Except I was asleep for the DNC) More so than that, I wanted one baby and had not wanted the other. Well, what Satan means for evil…GOD CAN USE FOR GOOD and DID HE EVER! After much counseling , soul searching, and God’s surgery that He performed with His WORD….a great healing began.(Please note that there is no sharper, accurate, or more precise tool The Lord could have used on my heart… HIS WORD…that’s all that He needed) Our lives, marriage, and little family was finally being restored. Hank and I had several issues to work and talk through…but God was finally allowed to be in control and center of our family. Please know we by far have it all together or figured out but from that moment on--- our life has no longer been in our hands but in the Lord’s. So…as I thought back over all the things that had shaped so much of my life that had begun way back in high school… I could only wonder if anyone else could relate to the feelings I was having. Maybe not the same circumstances …but did any of us actually have a clue what was really going on when we were so young? Did adulthood sneak up on each of us and blend so with ourselves that we really never realized it was time to give up, at least some of, our juvenile ways? Even though I learned some hard life lessons --and lived through years of playing hiding- seek from God, family/friends, and myself—I will never think back with regret for my past. I know that I know I AM FORGIVEN!! I will always have a scar, that’s true. Every wound or incision leaves a scar…however, the nerve endings are no longer sensitive to the same pain as before. There will always be a reminder inside my heart from the scar left from aborting my baby .. but PRAISE God, it now has been redeemed and is a part I have allowed God to use in many ways and in others lives. Sharing with others that too have dealt with the same losses and circumstances we have has been some of the healing process for Hank and I as a couple and as individuals. It’s just now part of who we are. Actually, it changed our entire family. We have FIVE children. Of course three on this earth, and two in heaven. I feel as if our children in heaven are joined at the hip almost. The one we lost to miscarriage, in some way, introduced us to our baby we aborted. Those two children have had as much of an impact on our family life as the three with us on earth.“ God causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose”---Romans 8:28 There are many other pieces of my “life’s garbage” He’s recycled but this one is the most precious to my heart. If God did that for me…imagine what He CAN, and WILL do, for anyone!!! He’s just SO GOD!!!! I really don’t think I was the only one that wore masks in high school (matter of fact—I KNOW I wasn’t) and yes, maybe they too wore them into adulthood as well. Some, bless them, may still be wearing them, but I hope they know that life sure is better without those stuffy old things!! I can only speak for myself, but I am way too scattered to keep up with which mask I would need to have on and when.(pretty sure I suffer from adult A. D. D.) I am glad that now when anyone sees me, they are really seeing- me. Just me….no more…no less. I do not think that everyone in the world should share their stuff…but I KNOW God has called ME to share some of mine. If anyone can benefit from anything my life can offer, how can I not share? I also believe that if you keep wearing a mask… it WILL get harder to breathe and harder to keep up with all of them. I realize now when I make a friend, it’s really ME making a friend. No wonder I enjoyed visiting people at the reunion… “I” was at the reunion. Not some copy of someone else or someone afraid to be real..but me…mask free!! Hey—and the next time you think you know someone well---inside and out---just know that they too may wear a mask. Don’t ‘assume’ anything. Always be real, authentic, your true self….because in doing so…you may inspire someone else to be also. You never know now do you? And remember this as well-- when someone has spent a lifetime wearing a mask and has finally been set free from it… they can spot someone else’s a mile away….

That’s all for now,
LO