Ok...it's not even 10 am and I have a heavy burden and a large headache. I was trying to clean this neglected, messy house before Miss Rivers, princess of our hill,comes home from kindergarten. I realized, however, I could not continue my day as planned. I had this overwhelming nudge to do some research and share on my blog an issue dear to my heart. I am talking about the upcoming election on November 8 when we are allowed in the state of Mississippi to vote yes, or no, on the issue of the definition of a person.
I have been grieved as I have heard and read comments that didn't seem to line up with what I knew to be fact. I have learned through the years terminology goes a long way and when money is at stake, it is often used in selective ways. In this case...lies. Now, I am not trying to cause a great debate but I know my life's call is to speak on behalf of the unborn and countless women who have fallen prey to the lies of this terminology.
First of all, lets sort out truth from the lies. I was unaware just what was said in the vote no on 26 material so...I googled it and was certainly filled with much reading material. As I read, I could feel blood rush to my head and I really felt sick. The more I read, I just sat in disbelief . I knew these accusations were false but I kept reading. Some statements...I really hoped were true, but most, I knew for a fact were false. However, in order to be objective...I kept reading and taking notes as I went. I will admit, I found the accusations rather disturbing and hoped in my rebuttal I would prove them to be false.
Thankfully, when that part was over, I researched the websites for the vote yes. Well, honestly, the difference was literally like light and darkness. I began to check each statement made from the notes I had taken from the vote no sites. I was not at all surprised by my discoveries , however don't understand how , or why, exactly the Planned Parenthood and ACLU seem to convince so many that this is correct. I would like to share a few of my findings.
1. The pill will be banned--(all birth control)
THIS IS A LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL! There is no truth to that and is ridiculous. However, the Morning After pill and RU486 (the abortion pill), will be banned I believe. This is administered AFTER intercourse so it would or could interfere with human life. For more actual information, feel free to dig for yourself. However, read both sides and better yet, read accounts from ladies that actually took the abortion pill and how if effected them.
2. No more In-Vitro Fertilization--
Again...not true! However it will be assuring the safety of the eggs that are not used. By law, they will not be allowed to be destroyed.
3. The mother's life will be sacrificed in order to save the child.
NOT TRUE! In the hard cases of this occurrence,when the baby is unviable and the mother's life is in jeopardy, the doctor will save the mother. This happens and I am certain each case the circumstances are unique. The is no way a law could be passed to determine a pat answer for each one and it simply is made up by the industries that stand to make millions each year by feeding us this junk.
4. Women that have a miscarriage will be investigated for murder.
Perhaps this is the most ridiculous yet. LIE LIE LIE!! This was not considered a crime before Roe vs Wade and certainly will not be after.
I know there are many other facts mentioned on both sides but these were ones most important to me personally. I have heard many testimonies of people that walked away from the abortion industry that say it is all about the money. Face it, millions of dollars are made each year in clinics all across our country. I heard a former doctor and owner of one clinic talk about the earlier they get a young girl..the better. For example, if someone age 14 came in to terminate her pregnancy , they could count on her at least having 2 to 3 more. Check it out for yourself. You can read both sides to realize it doesn't add up. Also, it is a known fact in the industry that many facts 'set in stone' were basically made up. Pro -Abortionist will deny it all day, but that doesn't make it less true. Many people don't even realize that Norma McCorvey, the lady in Roe VS Wade, did not even have an abortion and is a born again Christian and now is extremely vocal in the Pro Life arena. Wonder why someone that started all this could be so different now. She is worth the google....I suggest you study up on her.
Well, I certainly don't know every fact on either side of this issue, nor am I trying to be a radical. However, if standing in the gap for the life of an unborn baby is radical...oh well...I guess I am then. By the way, the word fetus simply means as an unborn baby . It has been used however to dehumanise a child once again. The most absurd statement I read was someone trying to assume they knew when God put a soul in a person. Now I have no idea if they were being sarcastic or what but clearly they did not know the true God. (Or His word) Psalms 139 states clearly that He created each of us in our mother's womb. There are many passages throughout the Bible but that happens to be my all time favorite. This person even suggested that God maybe didn't even put a soul in a child that He knew would be aborted. Ok...that's enough. Each of us are 'fearfully and wonderfully made"Ps 139:14 It goes on to say in that Psalm in v 16 that He saw are unformed substance. In His book were written all the days ordained for us. EVEN BEFORE WE EVEN WERE!
This is tender to me and amazingly too that this vote takes place in November. See, November is a very special month for me. I used to dread to see the month come around but because my past has been redeemed by the blood of Jesus...it is the most special to me now. I have a heart for the unborn because you see, I have two babies than never lived one day on this earth but I know live in heaven with Jesus Himself. On November 4,1984, I was a senior in high school. My boyfriend, now husband, was a freshman in college and we were broken up. At 8 weeks, I aborted our baby. I was told at the clinic during what they call "counseling"...that is was just a blob of tissue...not a baby. I was also given the pill. Yeah, right...found out it was the lowest dosage and of course I was counted as a shoe in to come back. Sure enough, Hank and I got back together and 3 months later I was pregnant again. This time..we were married and had a beautiful baby girl.(now 26 year old beautiful lady) I remember during the abortion, that I was awake during, begging them to stop. I was screaming and crying. This nurse in a very cold tone said, "Honey, this is nothing like labor... this will be over soon." Having our Kati I remembered that and although yes...IT HURT BADLY....I remember in my heart thinking...but this is life...not death....and I am bringing this baby home. There is so much more to this story but I know first hand about abortion. It is something talked about but not by the ones that have not been healed by the Word of God...by the Great Physician Himself. I could not even utter the word much less admit I had had one. I certainly knew even then, deep down, it was wrong. I was also not a Christian at the time. Believe me...saying you are and being one are very different. But even in the time apart from walking with the Lord, I knew if was wrong to take my child's life. I gave my life to Him at 19 years old in 1986 a year after Kati was born. I was forgiven for the abortion but healing came much much later. In 1987 we had our precious Marykelli and in 1994...we were expecting again. At 2 months, I went into labor and was rushed to the hospital. It was awful and I lost a ton of blood and looked like my liver, but it was the baby. I had a DNC but it was all too familiar. Of course I was asleep but the entire event was the same. The date was November 20 but still in November...10 years almost to the day. I realized the only difference in the babies was we wanted one desperately and didn't want the other.
The story has so much more to it but know that God used the two babies greatly in our live. I jokingly say they are joined at the hip . God used the miscarried baby to introduce us to our aborted baby. He healed a failing marriage, a woman that suffered greatly from post abortion syndrome, and brought our family close to Him with Jesus in the dead center. Hey...in May of 1996...He gave us the gift of our Walt. GOD IS SOOOOO GOOD!
Do my babies matter...do they have a soul?? Yes, they do. Although what Satan meant for evil...God will and is using for good. I pray because of my children born into heaven, lives will be spared on this earth. The hearts of women have suffered silently long enough....be careful as you vote. Choose wisely. Talk to God about it. Say you are a Christian...then listen to the Holy Spirit within you...plumb line it to His WORD.
God gave me this song during my healing. It has been recorded but always is sung in the form of a prayer. It has been re written and adjusted and even re named over the years but in closing...I am sharing the original version with you. God bless you all...God bless our children.
Child of the King
Lord, we come on our knees,
For our children, we have never seen,
We gave them to you, long ago,
Please forgive us, for now we know,
Pain, bitterness and grief,
Lord, it's your mercy we seek.
Lord, are they gathered all around,
You, as your watching o're us now,
Do they know their mommies love them so,
And we're sorry that we made them go,
And the lies that we believed,
Now we know, we had been deceived.
And they, live with The KING,
We know with You, they have everything,
Do they know, the tears that we've cried,
And we long to hold them by our side.
Lord, your amazing grace abounds,
In Your light, each of us have found,
A peace, that calls us to your throne,
To a love, like we've never known.
Lord, we can almost hear them say,
"I forgive you, Mommy, it's ok.."
"And I , live with The KING,
You know with Him, I have everything,
There's no need for tears, anymore...
You'll hold me when you see...our LORD."
Amen...and God bless
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Prologue to my book--Michaels Heart
I have been quite the recluse it seems. One of my friends informed me if I wanted to have any friends left, I must finish this book. I noticed I had not written a blog since June....that is crazy! I will admit that this writing adventure has taken a chunk out of my life! The story seemed to take on a life all it's own. I intend on getting back into the normal groove of blogging because it's such therapy for me .Now that I am in the editing phase of the book...there is more freedom to think beyond the realms of my book.
The name of the book is "Michael's Heart" and ,of course, it's a love story. I personally think it shares a very unique view of unconditional love. The main character is Colbie Hunnington Gellar whose career is writing commercial jingles for local radio and television stations. The story unfolds throughout her life as Colbie finally discovers her Michael...the love of her life. She discovers this love in the most unique place I would like to add. I believe this story will capture your heart and imagination in a way that you never have even thought of.
I want to thank all who have encouraged me by reading my blog over the past year because you were the driving force that pushed me to write this book. It is fiction but truth is laced in now and then...especially during the first several chapters. I would like to share with you now the Prologue to this book. I hope you enjoy and it makes you want more.
Prologue
Colbie
I can’t remember my life when I didn’t hear the music. Within each note there lies a symphony and upon hearing it’s beauty … something deep inside my soul is unleashed. Certainly there are different pieces of music that affects me in a variety of ways of course. Thankfully, there are enough chord progressions in this world to match the many moods as one such as I. I feel the term ‘moody’ has been given quite a negative shadow cast on it over the years though. I have been labeled ‘moody’ more than once in my life, and I will admit that I am just that. However, I chose years ago to reclaim that term in a more positive light. I truly view my ‘moodiness’ as a gift that was placed inside me when I was created. It is almost like a brand new surprise each morning that I get to open and am never certain what that will be. The first time I realized that my feelings, or mood, could be affected by music came around the tender age of four. “Puff the Magic Dragon” was my very first favorite song, and I played the record over and over and over. I distinctly remember my black mama telling me to let my little blue record player rest because it was exhausted. Now I knew that was not possible but eventually, I would get my fill of the song and turn it off. I remember sitting on my Winnie the Pooh bedspread listening to that song and feeling sad as I heard the words sing of little Johnny Paper not coming to play with the dragon anymore. To this day, I haven’t a clue what that song actually means, but I know what I heard in my little girl heart….I heard sad. I could feel the dragon’s pain and wanted to cry every time. I know now that the words had something to do with it, but my soul still seriously responds to a minor chord and that song certainly had them. Well, just as I do now, I would finally get my music fix and move on to my next favorite song. Although at that age I had no idea what love really even was about, I did know something happened deep inside me whenever I listened to music. Deep inside my soul…. something was stirring and the mystery that surrounded it would follow me into adulthood. I relate it to when a person falls in love for the first time. I know that love is not a feeling, but I think it’s a really good possibility that it started out with one. You know---that ‘thing’ that drew you to that special someone in your life. Maybe not even the actual meeting or getting to know one another as much as was the quest for that person. The intensity that surrounds just the mere thought of the first encounter you will have with “The One”, or in my case ….“Him”. The deep longing… the ache…. the breathlessness at the thought of the love of your life .How well I remember the first time I felt the haunting, yet exciting, yearning deep inside my inner being as I thought of “Him”. It was something that kept me excited because I always believed there was one man in this world created just for me. This ache was so strong and many times it felt the same way as it did when I let myself get lost in my music. This is when the artist in me was born, I believe. With this passion, all these feelings would eventually find a voice and give birth to my songs, poems, and many other things. My biggest fear was that I would miss “Him” or worse…it would be too late when we did finally come face to face. I always felt I would recognize “Him” the instant our eyes met. It sounds like something along the lines of love at first sight, I suppose, but much deeper than that. I always felt he was looking for me too and would just know me when he saw me as well. In every one I dated, I was always wondering if behind their eyes might just be the love I had longed for. I know this sounds like a typical teen-aged girl in love with the idea of love, and it may be, however; the deep connection I began to realize between finding the love of my life and music became more and more evident as the years passed. I have never been able to find adequate words to describe the journey my heart made to discover the answers I had sought all my life. Until now, the words have remained silently tucked away inside me but the time has come when the silence can no longer remain. It is now the time that my voice, my heart, and my very soul must be heard. Finally…..the silence will be broken. Listen closely with your heart as this story unfolds and you too may hear the music.”.
~~~~~~~~~~
“It’s not what you look at….it’s what you see.”--Michael
The name of the book is "Michael's Heart" and ,of course, it's a love story. I personally think it shares a very unique view of unconditional love. The main character is Colbie Hunnington Gellar whose career is writing commercial jingles for local radio and television stations. The story unfolds throughout her life as Colbie finally discovers her Michael...the love of her life. She discovers this love in the most unique place I would like to add. I believe this story will capture your heart and imagination in a way that you never have even thought of.
I want to thank all who have encouraged me by reading my blog over the past year because you were the driving force that pushed me to write this book. It is fiction but truth is laced in now and then...especially during the first several chapters. I would like to share with you now the Prologue to this book. I hope you enjoy and it makes you want more.
Prologue
Colbie
I can’t remember my life when I didn’t hear the music. Within each note there lies a symphony and upon hearing it’s beauty … something deep inside my soul is unleashed. Certainly there are different pieces of music that affects me in a variety of ways of course. Thankfully, there are enough chord progressions in this world to match the many moods as one such as I. I feel the term ‘moody’ has been given quite a negative shadow cast on it over the years though. I have been labeled ‘moody’ more than once in my life, and I will admit that I am just that. However, I chose years ago to reclaim that term in a more positive light. I truly view my ‘moodiness’ as a gift that was placed inside me when I was created. It is almost like a brand new surprise each morning that I get to open and am never certain what that will be. The first time I realized that my feelings, or mood, could be affected by music came around the tender age of four. “Puff the Magic Dragon” was my very first favorite song, and I played the record over and over and over. I distinctly remember my black mama telling me to let my little blue record player rest because it was exhausted. Now I knew that was not possible but eventually, I would get my fill of the song and turn it off. I remember sitting on my Winnie the Pooh bedspread listening to that song and feeling sad as I heard the words sing of little Johnny Paper not coming to play with the dragon anymore. To this day, I haven’t a clue what that song actually means, but I know what I heard in my little girl heart….I heard sad. I could feel the dragon’s pain and wanted to cry every time. I know now that the words had something to do with it, but my soul still seriously responds to a minor chord and that song certainly had them. Well, just as I do now, I would finally get my music fix and move on to my next favorite song. Although at that age I had no idea what love really even was about, I did know something happened deep inside me whenever I listened to music. Deep inside my soul…. something was stirring and the mystery that surrounded it would follow me into adulthood. I relate it to when a person falls in love for the first time. I know that love is not a feeling, but I think it’s a really good possibility that it started out with one. You know---that ‘thing’ that drew you to that special someone in your life. Maybe not even the actual meeting or getting to know one another as much as was the quest for that person. The intensity that surrounds just the mere thought of the first encounter you will have with “The One”, or in my case ….“Him”. The deep longing… the ache…. the breathlessness at the thought of the love of your life .How well I remember the first time I felt the haunting, yet exciting, yearning deep inside my inner being as I thought of “Him”. It was something that kept me excited because I always believed there was one man in this world created just for me. This ache was so strong and many times it felt the same way as it did when I let myself get lost in my music. This is when the artist in me was born, I believe. With this passion, all these feelings would eventually find a voice and give birth to my songs, poems, and many other things. My biggest fear was that I would miss “Him” or worse…it would be too late when we did finally come face to face. I always felt I would recognize “Him” the instant our eyes met. It sounds like something along the lines of love at first sight, I suppose, but much deeper than that. I always felt he was looking for me too and would just know me when he saw me as well. In every one I dated, I was always wondering if behind their eyes might just be the love I had longed for. I know this sounds like a typical teen-aged girl in love with the idea of love, and it may be, however; the deep connection I began to realize between finding the love of my life and music became more and more evident as the years passed. I have never been able to find adequate words to describe the journey my heart made to discover the answers I had sought all my life. Until now, the words have remained silently tucked away inside me but the time has come when the silence can no longer remain. It is now the time that my voice, my heart, and my very soul must be heard. Finally…..the silence will be broken. Listen closely with your heart as this story unfolds and you too may hear the music.”.
~~~~~~~~~~
“It’s not what you look at….it’s what you see.”--Michael
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Life Must Be Lived So Get Started
I can only go so long in life and then...I crash!! I am winding down even as I type from weeks,maybe months, of whirlwind activity. Our family has run from event to event to event. Whoever created the slogan for V-8 about it giving you strength to go on all 8 cylinders...lied or clearly lives a very boring life. I need hard core caffeine... STRONG- BLACK COFFEE... and plenty of it!! At one point last week, I was working on three different lists at the same time! I don't multi-task for prolonged periods of time without a giant meltdown!! So I have poured me a large cup of coffee and in order to process the build up inside, I must get the words out of my system.
In our family, we had two birthdays, two weddings, a graduation , a 50th wedding anniversary celebration, and a end of school tennis banquet!! WHEW!! Hey...this is also Bible School week at our church! Lo is tired!! It is so funny because Kati's church is also having Bible school this week but Miss Priss Rivers wanted to come to ours! LOL So..guess where she went? Yep---with me! She is too much fun! I love every single bit of life but when I am out of 'gas'--I am just out of gas. It would help if I was not dying of menopause and could actually sleep at night...but NOOOO!It is impossible to sleep when you feel you will internally combust at any moment!!! So.. a good night sleep has almost become a distant memory! I have tried to turn air down lower but my poor Hank is next to me looking pitiful. He has his Darth Vader mask on(for sleeping disorder) and he is freezing and has the cover up right to the mask! We are something else I tell you! He usually gets hot because I radiate and he throws cover off only to put it back on! This is every single night and when you mix it with a busy schedule, it doesn't fair very well. Well, maybe tonight will be the night I will get some sleep! I can dream can't I? I have always been a night owl but never like this!I am thinking tonight may an Ambien night!
One thing I have always treasured about having unexpected time though is I can always use it! If I am waiting on someone or just can't sleep...I can find something to do and make most of the moment. It is the same way I look at getting lost and boy can I get lost!!!! (I really should have a GSP but...) When I get lost, I feel like it is an adventure and love the scenery. Yes, I have been late quite a few times for this reason but I sure enjoyed the journey,and often the surprising route , I took getting to my destination. The scariest time I was lost was once in Birmingham. I was singing with my gynecologist's band (yes..my gynecologist),The Gantz, at his son's engagement party! I left the country club to meet a former classmate for dinner with directions in hand. Although, all had talked me through them more than once...the moment I was on my own...I think my ADD kicked in and my mind went blank. Here I am at 10 pm, in an evening gown, and LOST IN BIRMINGHAM,ALABAMA! I became more confused at every turn. Time passed and so did my fuel gauge. I was approaching empty and as the clock turned MIDNIGHT..the only sign flashing open was an all night dry cleaners! Really??I am pretty gutsy but there was NO WAY I was getting out in a shady section of Birmingham, in a sequin cocktail dress, at midnight and prance into the cleaners! I don't think so! I started praying as the gas light was now on and to this day I have no clue how I found the right turn but found myself driving down a familiar section and soon found the way back to the freeway and literally passed my hotel.(of course I had to U turn but it's the wee hours of morning) I called my friend who suggested I just carry window paint with me everywhere I went and write on the back window PLEASE EXCUSE MY DRIVING BUT I AM FROM A SMALL TOWN IN MISSISSIPPI! Well, I didn't enjoy getting lost that time...but normally I don't mind at all!(especially if pretty houses--preferably old homes---are on the street) Kati and I are always wanting to go on a road trip to anywhere but who would drive?? We may not get to our destiny when planned, but I guarantee we will have a blast getting there!! That is the best part to me anyway..getting there!!! How sad for people to always rush and never enjoy getting anywhere. Not taking the time to watch the sunset, listen to the sounds outside at night, look--really look-- at the stars, visit with friends and family, etc...just be. Wherever you are...be all there! Everything has beauty but how sad that not everyone sees it. The saddest thing of all, many don't even know how!Living and being alive are two different things. True, we may all be alive but we are not all living. It may be fear, anger, jealousy, pride....or most anything that can keep us from truly living. Anything that keeps us from living is our prison. I prefer freedom myself! God's word says,"If the Son shall set you free, you shall be free indeed!!" I lived in a prison of my own making for many years. I stored up unforgiveness, bitterness,anger, and many destructive things inside! It was like acid!! "An acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." to quote Mark Twain. I learned from going down many roads that I would never get back to my destination until I was back on the correct road. God knows the way home. Sometimes, I get so tired!!! Tired of... waiting on things to work out, being misunderstood, being misquoted or flat our lied about or having my words twisted! At times I get soooo tired of waiting to add on to our house ,or move , until we have saved enough to pay cash for the bulk of it or waiting on people to be healed or....basically, I(we all) get tired of waiting! However, it's in the getting there there where the memories are. Sure...when my babies were all little, I was tired! But I enjoyed every single second that they lived, and that Walt still lives, in this house. [Home NOT house-big big difference] We live in a tiny house but instead of being miserable in it, we have LAUGHED AND CRIED BUCKETS OF TEARS!!We have played games, gone to proms, watched a million movies, ate thousands of meals and in the midst of these walls--a family was born! There has always been enough love in this HOME to make it through anything and everything! We love company and our door is always open! We have learned many things in the waiting and GOD HAS BLESSED US IN IT ALL!!! Through the trials...we learned to find the beauty and in the thorns we found the blessings! They have shown up everywhere! Through getting married at 17 and 18, having babies, losing babies, almost losing our son on two different occations....and almost losing our marriage at one point! But you know...that is where our life happened...it has been while we were waiting that our life has been lived and lessons learned. That is where we have loved, forgiven, played, laughed, and just had a ton of fun! Life doesn't have a neat little bow tied on it, but it is still a gift!! A WONDERFUL GIFT!! I sure want to open it and use it while I can!! I think life is too short to "get your knickers in a knot" about everything. It solves nothing and makes you walk funny! So the next time you can't sleep is there something you can do? Is God allowing you special unplanned time with Him? Do you need to write a letter to someone, pray for someone, read a book, or work on whatever your passion is? Maybe just to watch a great movie or just be! Many nights I journal or write a blog only to realize all that's inside needs releasing! He created us to each be free so find your wings and fly! If your burdens are heavy...give them to Him...He's already up anyway!! And hey, the next time you take a wrong turn on an actual road, or in life...just turn around and get back on the right road and remember to look out the window on the way because there are so many things to see along the way!
That's all for now,
LO
In our family, we had two birthdays, two weddings, a graduation , a 50th wedding anniversary celebration, and a end of school tennis banquet!! WHEW!! Hey...this is also Bible School week at our church! Lo is tired!! It is so funny because Kati's church is also having Bible school this week but Miss Priss Rivers wanted to come to ours! LOL So..guess where she went? Yep---with me! She is too much fun! I love every single bit of life but when I am out of 'gas'--I am just out of gas. It would help if I was not dying of menopause and could actually sleep at night...but NOOOO!It is impossible to sleep when you feel you will internally combust at any moment!!! So.. a good night sleep has almost become a distant memory! I have tried to turn air down lower but my poor Hank is next to me looking pitiful. He has his Darth Vader mask on(for sleeping disorder) and he is freezing and has the cover up right to the mask! We are something else I tell you! He usually gets hot because I radiate and he throws cover off only to put it back on! This is every single night and when you mix it with a busy schedule, it doesn't fair very well. Well, maybe tonight will be the night I will get some sleep! I can dream can't I? I have always been a night owl but never like this!I am thinking tonight may an Ambien night!
One thing I have always treasured about having unexpected time though is I can always use it! If I am waiting on someone or just can't sleep...I can find something to do and make most of the moment. It is the same way I look at getting lost and boy can I get lost!!!! (I really should have a GSP but...) When I get lost, I feel like it is an adventure and love the scenery. Yes, I have been late quite a few times for this reason but I sure enjoyed the journey,and often the surprising route , I took getting to my destination. The scariest time I was lost was once in Birmingham. I was singing with my gynecologist's band (yes..my gynecologist),The Gantz, at his son's engagement party! I left the country club to meet a former classmate for dinner with directions in hand. Although, all had talked me through them more than once...the moment I was on my own...I think my ADD kicked in and my mind went blank. Here I am at 10 pm, in an evening gown, and LOST IN BIRMINGHAM,ALABAMA! I became more confused at every turn. Time passed and so did my fuel gauge. I was approaching empty and as the clock turned MIDNIGHT..the only sign flashing open was an all night dry cleaners! Really??I am pretty gutsy but there was NO WAY I was getting out in a shady section of Birmingham, in a sequin cocktail dress, at midnight and prance into the cleaners! I don't think so! I started praying as the gas light was now on and to this day I have no clue how I found the right turn but found myself driving down a familiar section and soon found the way back to the freeway and literally passed my hotel.(of course I had to U turn but it's the wee hours of morning) I called my friend who suggested I just carry window paint with me everywhere I went and write on the back window PLEASE EXCUSE MY DRIVING BUT I AM FROM A SMALL TOWN IN MISSISSIPPI! Well, I didn't enjoy getting lost that time...but normally I don't mind at all!(especially if pretty houses--preferably old homes---are on the street) Kati and I are always wanting to go on a road trip to anywhere but who would drive?? We may not get to our destiny when planned, but I guarantee we will have a blast getting there!! That is the best part to me anyway..getting there!!! How sad for people to always rush and never enjoy getting anywhere. Not taking the time to watch the sunset, listen to the sounds outside at night, look--really look-- at the stars, visit with friends and family, etc...just be. Wherever you are...be all there! Everything has beauty but how sad that not everyone sees it. The saddest thing of all, many don't even know how!Living and being alive are two different things. True, we may all be alive but we are not all living. It may be fear, anger, jealousy, pride....or most anything that can keep us from truly living. Anything that keeps us from living is our prison. I prefer freedom myself! God's word says,"If the Son shall set you free, you shall be free indeed!!" I lived in a prison of my own making for many years. I stored up unforgiveness, bitterness,anger, and many destructive things inside! It was like acid!! "An acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." to quote Mark Twain. I learned from going down many roads that I would never get back to my destination until I was back on the correct road. God knows the way home. Sometimes, I get so tired!!! Tired of... waiting on things to work out, being misunderstood, being misquoted or flat our lied about or having my words twisted! At times I get soooo tired of waiting to add on to our house ,or move , until we have saved enough to pay cash for the bulk of it or waiting on people to be healed or....basically, I(we all) get tired of waiting! However, it's in the getting there there where the memories are. Sure...when my babies were all little, I was tired! But I enjoyed every single second that they lived, and that Walt still lives, in this house. [Home NOT house-big big difference] We live in a tiny house but instead of being miserable in it, we have LAUGHED AND CRIED BUCKETS OF TEARS!!We have played games, gone to proms, watched a million movies, ate thousands of meals and in the midst of these walls--a family was born! There has always been enough love in this HOME to make it through anything and everything! We love company and our door is always open! We have learned many things in the waiting and GOD HAS BLESSED US IN IT ALL!!! Through the trials...we learned to find the beauty and in the thorns we found the blessings! They have shown up everywhere! Through getting married at 17 and 18, having babies, losing babies, almost losing our son on two different occations....and almost losing our marriage at one point! But you know...that is where our life happened...it has been while we were waiting that our life has been lived and lessons learned. That is where we have loved, forgiven, played, laughed, and just had a ton of fun! Life doesn't have a neat little bow tied on it, but it is still a gift!! A WONDERFUL GIFT!! I sure want to open it and use it while I can!! I think life is too short to "get your knickers in a knot" about everything. It solves nothing and makes you walk funny! So the next time you can't sleep is there something you can do? Is God allowing you special unplanned time with Him? Do you need to write a letter to someone, pray for someone, read a book, or work on whatever your passion is? Maybe just to watch a great movie or just be! Many nights I journal or write a blog only to realize all that's inside needs releasing! He created us to each be free so find your wings and fly! If your burdens are heavy...give them to Him...He's already up anyway!! And hey, the next time you take a wrong turn on an actual road, or in life...just turn around and get back on the right road and remember to look out the window on the way because there are so many things to see along the way!
That's all for now,
LO
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Ch-Ch-Changes
All my life I have wondered why menopause was called "The Change". However, now that I am in it...change is an understatement! Looking back -I realize just how much of a "change" has occurred. For example, I remember making people stand outside or not even going to the door if my house was messy.The change...now watch your step so you don't trip over something in the floor! lol I still keep a clean house but actually could care less if it is messy or less than perfect when someone comes over. You know what...we LIVE here people. It is not a museum , and I am not Martha Stewart. Along the same lines, I used to cook supper at least 5 nights a week and now, maybe 5 times a month. Well, maybe a bit more than that but not much more. Our family has changed and rather than continue a pattern that seemed almost sinful to change, I was killing myself to 'keep up the pace' so...scratch! Then, there is my ALMOST animal love. lol Anyone that really knows me is laughing right now. I AM NOT THAT LADY that has a little dog love or love for any animal for that matter. In my 'change of life' however, I have a heart for dogs! Just last week, my daughter was given a chocolate lab puppy from one of her second grade students. (Sweet little thing)I love this puppy! Kati brought him to Rivers T ball game last week and he was shivering. I picked him up and snuggled him to my heart and patted his back. Then I put him inside my jacket and zipped it up!! The look on Kati's face was priceless! She asked,"where is my mama and what have you done with her?"! I also agreed to feed and allow our stray dog [I will call her DP for short....how she got her name is a whole other story;)] to actually live. I have grown to really like her and lucky me....she had puppies. Of course, she lives on fertile hill, what were we thinking?? You must know that although I never have killed ANY pet we have ever had, the many we have had have all died. Mostly hit by a car but once --one got into rat poison.Mike Childs believes to this day I planned that. Everyone questioned me heavily about that one but I did NOT do that!(never would) However ,two of my kids brought home white mice from a festival once , and I watched Hank let them go as our cat, Cat Harrington, chased them away into the pasture!! I must confess, I was quite fond of Cat Harrington. Cat minded his own business, kept critters away,expected(nor wanted)any affection, and ate all our leftovers. Sadly, after years of partnership, he moved down the street when I stopped cooking as much. The lady down the street makes some killer homemade biscuits! Oh well.... One of the pet stories I am most known for is the time I was dog sitting for our youth minister at that time and his family. It was a Dalmatian dog and those little boys love their pet, Purdy.Clearly, they 'knew not what they were doing' when they asked us to keep him but...oh well!! A few days into the dog's sentence and BAM...hit by a car!!! I really hated that dog but felt bad for the family. Especially when I received a post card in the mail from the little ones, three and six years old to Purdy! Oh well, no one ever asked me to dog sit again! Now...back to menopause!!!! Of course, there are also the physical changes to contend with as well. The hot flashes alone are ridiculous!I wonder if you can die of internal combustion during one such episode?(Almost certain someone else might someday--JK) I used to wear flannel shirts buttoned to my neck to bed at night! lol I have really always worn pants and a short or long sleeve shirt or something to keep me warm because my house is always around 69 or 70 degrees at night! Now, I wear those half little spaghetti strap nighties and kick the cover off and on and on and off ALL NIGHT LONG!! I do believe though, hands down, the beard is the most atrocious!!! Come on God, do we really have to grow a beard?? Oh me, this all stinks and I hear it last for MANY ,MANY years!! After all these years, Hank picked a strange time in my life to buy me a gun!! Ya think? Well, these are all real changes that are clearly new to me but the one that is the most profound to me is the realization that I truly don't give a rip what anyone thinks of me anymore. It is very unlike me and freeing at the same time. I remember my sister telling me once that people had it wrong about PMS. It was not that ladies are in a bad mood once a month it is more like they don't really care because they have no tolerance left.Well to me, menopause is like PMS on crack!!! I have noticed that I really have been trying to make sure everyone understood everything and motive I have ever had. If someone was offended by me or mistook anything I did or said, I felt awful.I would not rest until all was well in any conflict or misunderstanding. Oh, sure, I did say things sharp and hurt others with my tone, look, or words, but many , many times I did not. I remember marrying into Hank's family and wondering how I would ever make it in his family. Everyone was totally different from me. They all were always so nice and agreed with each other. I was not awful, just completely different from them and definitely did have an opinion on ALL things! I began to think something was wrong with me and so began my journey to "fix" me. I have always, always loved and greatly admired Donna, my sister in law. From the time I started dating Hank until present she has made me feel nothing but loved. (As still does!) She has a quiet and gentle spirit and is loved by almost everyone that knows her. My brilliant plan was to be like her. LOL That is so funny!! She is so quiet...I AM LOUD...she is kind...I am blunt...she is reserved ....I am animated...you see where this is headed! I really thought I would explode. I finally learned over the years I could only be me, and no one else! Unfortunately, that was not always accepted kindly. You know, people would rather you not have an opinion ,have a different way of seeing something, and certainly if your feelings have been hurt...say nothing. Also, many are under the impression that keeping peace means ignoring everything and that being indifferent is ok. Really??? Well, my hormones have altered , and with that came a brand new take on life. I really no longer care what someone may think of me. I said that in younger years but deep inside, I cared very much! Now, I really can say I don't. Now understand me, I never want to set out to hurt ANYONE. I would never just be mean to BE MEAN or say things to hurt someone just because! That is not who I am nor will ever be! My heart does belong to the Lord and there is no way that is ever ok. I know we are to treat others as we would like to be treated and to love others as we love ourselves. However, something that is drastically different is my view on it all! My entire life has been about making sure, or trying to make sure, everyone is ok with me. Even if that meant allowing things that really were not mine to own or something I created---I still at all cost wanted to suck it up and smooth things over. The thought of having a bad rapport with someone made me sick and my life was not ok if all was not ok in my world. Now, I know as Christians, we are to be at peace with others as far as we can help it. We are all in agreement there BUT to be the dumping ground and always assume I am to blame was wrong as well. This has been more or less an internal thing I have always struggled with. Now, it is just a way of life. I always thought I must be the one wrong in every conflict. If someone excluded me in conversation, planning of events, or in any way- have mercy- criticized me etc...I automatically thought it was because I was less than or had done something to offend them or they did not think I was worthy! Some of this was resolved as I matured but some was just my nature and BOY DID THAT CHANGE! I now understand..I am who I am period. Take it or leave it. I am no longer an appeaser by nature. Winston Churchill once said,"An appeaser is one who feeds the crocodile hoping it will eat him last." Bottom line, if someone screws over everyone else he will eventually screw you over as well!! I can not, nor should I do one thing to 'win' over anyone. If God intended me to be otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. So..I will never apologize for showing emotion, or lack thereof. For in doing so ,I am apologizing for the truth! So now, whether it's right or wrong, I no longer really care. Life is too short. In my book of quotes there is one I love from Julia Roberts that says,"You don't have to wonder if I like someone or not...believe me, you will know it." I like that. I like it because for so long I lived my life under the terms that no matter what...I always have to be nice and smile and go out of my way to be kind to someone even if they have hurt me, or whatever. Treating others with respect and going out of my way to be nice are not the same to me anymore. If someone has talked about me behind my back, been rude to me, etc... I now react differently. I am agreeing with Julia on that one from now on. I am staying true to myself..like it or not! Another quote I love is "He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." Well, no more for me, thank you. I have some amazing friends and family that simply love me and I them...simply put--because they are who they are. Nothing can change or take away from that. I have been in the making of my life since birth and don't see anything on the horizon altering my personality. However, my reaction is altered forever. So if I have gotten my fill of life situations, people, and other issues and no longer willingly participate in every former activity...just know there has been a "change" in my life. Although often cast in a negative light, I almost welcome it as a breath of fresh air!! Good-bye to the mendacity in life! Indifference--so long! Appeasing others ego is no longer a pastime of mine --even though I never realized by always caring what everyone was thinking or if someone was upset with me that that is just what I was doing! So if this is "The Change" that is attached to menopause ...I welcome it with open arms! I am free! Free...at last!
That's all I know for now,
LO
That's all I know for now,
LO
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Speak Now...Don't Forever Hold Your Peace (you may explode)
I am one of those fortunate,or unfortunate, people who remembers almost everything. I actually was looking at old photos last week of my birthday party when I was four and remembered what was in the gift before me.(purple zip-up bag I put my dance shoes in from Melinda Turner--now Kopp) I remember details about things that most people would never remember. It sure would have been nice if I could have remembered things such as historical dates, math facts(especially in geometry), and punctuation rules,etc...you get the idea. I also, even now, can quote off any number and birthday of most anyone I happened to be friends with in school. I even remember the numbers of my mama's phone numbers she had hanging by the phone in her kitchen. It is crazy the memories and details I remember. Maybe everyone does but not in my family. They have always been amazed that I could recall most every event and at times , even the date. I kept a diary all through middle school so if I wrote it down and dated it...I remember. For example, January 4, 1980 , Karen Craig took our Jr. High MYF to see the movie "1941". On October 29, 1979...I had my official boyfriend. On and on and on I could go. You see, each memory is somehow stitched into the very fiber of who I am and has made me who I am today. Although it is wonderful to remember, I can feel each memory as if it were yesterday. There is one memory that is as vivid today as if it just happened yesterday. I was in the third grade and Mrs. Ruth Couch was my teacher. I loved her(and still do) and happened to be her across the street neighbor. Well, I had a best friend that year too. We had so much fun and stayed at each others house , talked on the phone, and just seemed to be inseparable. But, even at eight years old, I had to have my space! I also wanted more than one friend,and it was becoming clear that she was not the type to share friends and was very possessive of me. As an adult, I see clearly how insecure this friend of mine was but at that young age, I wrote a note (in yellow marker)telling her I did not want to be her only friend anymore and we could not be best friends. Oh my word...she cried and carried on so that it confused me and I just left her alone. Then she wrote back on the note,"I am going to tell Mrs. Couch on you." To that I replied,"Mrs. Couch can't do anything about that.She will not make me be your friend if I don't want to...that's my choice." Well, she tore the note up and threw it away. Finally, the bell rang and we went to English--Mrs.Martha Carol Ellard's room. Whew! I was so glad to be out of homeroom when all of the sudden Mrs. Ellard asked me to the front only to lead me to the hall where Mrs. Couch stood holding the torn pieces of the letter written in yellow magic marker. I felt so bad and I knew by that look I was about to feel worse. I loved Mrs. Couch and did not want her to think bad of me and yet that look told me she was not too happy at the moment. She proceeded to read bits and pieces of the note back to me. The words were lost in translation as she got only a portion of the meaning. From her assessment she thought it was saying,"Mrs.Couch won't do anything to me." She assumed I thought because we were neighbors and our families were friends ,I thought I would receive special treatment. All I meant was if I had hit my friend or really done anything to her-then, my teacher could punish me but because I didn't want to have a best friend...that was my call...But do you know now what I did???? NOTHING! I stood there with tears in my eyes and never opened my mouth to explain what I meant.I knew in my young heart what I meant and that was not it! That day was the first time I remember letting others put words in my mouth by assuming they understood my motives. I was a child and she was my teacher.There was no way I was opening my mouth to explain anything. So, I said yes ma'am and cried and went back to class. A pattern was formed from there I believe. Oh don't get me wrong, I have always had a lot of spirit, energy, and boy can I talk, but was never very good at talking up for myself. As I got older,it began coming out as anger because I never learned to express anything inside.The times throughout middle and high school that I needed to speak up, I didn't. God was looking out for me even then and sent me my Anna, my bodyguard. Just let someone in her earshot give me grief...lol I still call her my bodyguard to this day. My mother was a teacher in the school system and my daddy was in politics , so I always tried to show respect at least in attitude. Thankfully, I had many friends and not a ton of conflict but as I got older, it effected me a little more. This little town I live in has always had its little town ways. Every one of my friends and I had been the department store and social club 'topic' more than once. The funny thing was that even though we were teens, we probably knew way more about the lives of the ladies that gossiped about us (from hanging out at the Country Club Pro Shop) that those ladies did. We laughed at the secrets we knew and one of my friends always said she would black mail them for money. Although she was crazy enough to do it, thankfully she never did. Before I finished high school, I found I was pregnant and leaped to the front of the leader board in the gossip realm. That was rare in the mid eighties so you can rest assured...I was the hot topic. I was so ashamed that for several years, I walked in total shame and was left with no self worth or self esteem.People didn't not know me, but I certainly allowed their opinions to define me. I gave my heart to the Lord at nineteen and life began to change. It took many years for God to heal my broken places and teach me the proper way to respond and take a stand. I definitely found my voice and it has been a life long battle to tame it. However, little by little, God is still working on me. One thing I have learned is it is wrong to not speak up when the conviction to speak is there. And never again will I not speak up when I know something should be said. I have a voice and intend to use it. Not to argue but to speak my opinion, speak truth, and for goodness sake ...to take a stand. I do believe many people actually believe to keep peace is to remain silent even when you KNOW to do so is betraying your very soul. Winston Churchill once said,"You have enemies? Good. That means you stood up for something in your life." Just today I heard through the ever so faithful "Houston Grapevine" that I was very outspoken and had gotten on someones bad side because I stood up to them. Really?? Well, you know what..I am glad I have a spine and last time I checked, that was not a bad thing. And at least you know where I stand and I don't whisper behind your back or put on a mask for each group I am around. We as humans are so accustomed to wear a disguise for others that I wonder if we have become disguised even to ourselves. I have been called and accused of many things over the years and you know, more than half was not even true. However, if anyone ever wants my opinion or thoughts, oh please.... just ask! I am not sure if it started with my needy,insecure little friend in third grade or somewhere along the way, but this chick learned that if I had something to say, I had better say it! If not, I will be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to become a victim or accept any one's definition of your life...define it yourself! God gave us a voice for a reason and we are to use it wisely. I do not like to hear negative things said about me but those things no longer imprison me. The only way anyone can have power over me is if I let them. I will not conform because I think the majority will disagree with me. Remember, only dead fish swim downstream. I am not afraid to go against the flow if it is what I feel is the right thing to do. I have finally learned in my life that I would rather be disliked for being who I am than loved for someone I AM NOT! So now find your voice and speak up.Words can be used to build up or tear down...encourage or discourage...words are powerful and we each must be careful to use them wisely....But never , ever apologize for being who you are and heaven forbid ...having an opinion different from someone else!!! With that said I will close with the words of John Mason,"You were born an original. Don't die a copy."
That's all for now,
LO
That's all for now,
LO
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
You Don't Know the Cost....But God Does
I am often perplexed at the people that presume to think they know me. It is a known fact that if you spend any length of time with me, you will probably hear about something from my life. If you spend a little more time, you will hear even more. You see, for many years, I spent my life in a prison that I created. The walls were made of secrets and lies I had allowed to take me captive. I was in my private little hell for more years than I care to remember. Did I wake up one day and choose that life? Of course not...no one ever chooses to live in hell--they just stumble upon it. Actually, it was almost as if I were lured there. For years, I lived life however I wanted and on 'my' terms!! Of course, I was a child and lacked any sort of discernment or focus for my life. My parents laid the groundwork out and made sure I was in church, school, and had my needs met.(bless them--I wore them out) However, in every life, we each make our own choices. Mine, well, I will just say it took quite a few 'field trips' for God to get my attention. At this time, I will not go into all the details of the life choices that led me to the deep , dark, debilitating depression I suffered, but know I learned all too well about consequences to sin choices. What started as little choices while growing up in middle school and high school (as I often shared with the youth when I worked with them at our church) determined the direction my life would take. AND DID IT EVER!! One by one, each choice led right into the other....like dominoes stacked side by side and at the touch of a hand---they all..fall..down. After getting married at 17, having my girls at 18 and 20...let's just say by age 25, I had a sort of break down. I was exhausted by life and even though I had become a Christian at 19, God loved me enough to teach me by way of the 'field trip' method! In other words, the hard way!!! (I did not ‘feel’ God’s love nor did I ‘feel’ Him near..but that sure did NOT mean He was not there!!!)Even though He knew that meant falling right on my face... I learned that "He'll Do Whatever it Takes" for His message to get through to his children—and He sure will do it!!Let me stop right here and say that I 'joined' our church at 9 years of age , but I did not except Jesus as my Savior and was not born again until age 19. Boy, I almost never got the preacher that was there at that time to baptize me and to make the 'church people' understand that- contrary to what the discipline of the denomination said or wherever they got their rules from- I was just now born again. Although I was only 19...I knew I had gone from sin soaked to filled with the Holy Spirit….And NO ONE could make me budge on that!!! I am not knocking anyone's church...but that was what the Holy Spirit led me to do...so-I did! As I hungered for the word , I later discovered all of the answers to what I was experiencing in the scriptures -which blew my mind even further when I also read that God writes His word upon our hearts!!!!(before I even read those Biblical truths, God had written them on the walls of my heart) Well, being so in love with the Lord it took that crafty devil no time to find my weaknesses. Being a baby Christian, I was wide open for an enemy attack! Well, He used many things to distract and tempt me. Remember, He always appears as an angel of light....never saw him coming--I had so many kinks in my armor. My main downfall, was getting out of God's word and not focusing on Him. So...without going into all the details, let me just say that not only did I fall--let's say--crashed!!! At 25, I wanted to die.(death would have been welcomed) I confided in our pastor who was there at that time. There were so many secrets that had tormented me for years. I was trying soooo hard to remember how to hear God,to feel God, for Him to love me, to find the light I had known, begging for direction... My biggest fear was that if anyone knew all my secrets…. they would never love me again. How could God even love me...I turned my back on the most awesome love I had ever known, and walked away to do my thing....isn't that unforgivable? I could certainly not tell Hank. I had betrayed him most of all...I was in HELL and little did I know, it would get worse before it got better.(and I walked right into it) Did I not deserve this? Well, as I read in scripture searching frantically, I was pretty sure scripture was pointing toward confession to my Father in heaven AND my husband. But the silence kept me in prison. So...surely I thought I could trust this new preacher we had and he would give me answers from God’s word. I was paralyzed with fear as the words finally came out of my mouth and then… down came his slam on the desk with a loud “NO!” with his finger pointed in my face. He proceeded to tell me that was not Biblical and only selfish on my part for wanting to tell Hank these things I had kept from him. I was humiliated and broken even more. He never opened his Bible, nor did he pray with me… nothing...just talk-talk-talk. If I wanted someone to tell me their opinion, I could have gone to just about anyone. I needed a pastor, a shepherd…I needed someone to tell me the truth…GOD’S TRUTH! Looking back, it was all just empty chatter. (Actually, he confirmed what I had already feared. I now know….that was not the voice of my Lord!!!) Oh, many in our church thought he was the most wonderful preacher, but I begin that very day to see a totally different man than many did. (I now realize that many of those people just wanted their ears tickled. But I needed REAL healing and a REAL Christian counselor!) He fooled many, but when plum lined with scripture, He was clearly a wolf in sheep's clothing. Any old Joe can be popular—entertain--- and even be very much liked…. but a ‘friend’ is not what a hurting and lost world needs…this world, people, and yes ME TOO…. we are all in desperate need of a preacher. Finally, he was asked to leave our church. A friend of mine later confessed he had shared --in a very degrading way --- the things I had shared in confidence with him that day. Thank goodness I had the courage to continue searching for help. Please understand…it was about survival at this point. I HAD to have Jesus…His presence….the oneness I had known before…I had to have it back, or I really knew I could not survive! It was now my lifeline…my oxygen. I finally found a lady that was a Christian counselor in Tupelo that loved Jesus and, did not only use her Bible, but lived by it and loved by it! That began my healing journey. She showed me scripture after scripture and God chiseled it onto my heart. I eventually shared all my dark secrets with my husband and family members and THAT was when God began blowing our minds as a miraculous healing began in my heart and in our marriage! Looking back, it still amazes me at how detailed He is in everything!
However, I now share all this for a reason. The time between living in silent hell and finding a Christian I could trust and that helped save my life lasted the span of four years!! Four LONG YEARS!!! I very well remember driving around many nights after my husband and little girls had gone to bed…just riding and riding by houses of people I loved and I knew they loved me and they loved Jesus but mostly… I KNEW Jesus loved them!! No one- unless you have been there- can imagine the lonely, dark, pit of despair I was in. It is by the grace of God I didn't take my own life. I was a mess and never dreamed God could ever love me, or heaven's sake use me AND redeem my past!?!? Although every day I would search the Psalms over and over... I especially camped out in Psalm 51. I just wonder how many times I prayed,"restore unto me the joy of thy salvation ...and I will teach transgressors Thy ways"??Then I would also pray from Joel, "restore the years the locust had eaten" I plead daily for my life to be restored...to be in God's presence, to hear His voice. The way He had before, straight from His word...but...until I let go of myself...it did not happen. And when I did...it did not happen immediately. It took years of counseling and truly I had to renew my mind with God's word. In the book I am writing, this is all covered and a little more detailed. [Some may say that is 'ruining my reputation' or airing dirty laundry but I think it is called overcoming by the 'word of my testimony' as it clearly states in Revelation] Not all are called to share, but I know the Lord has called me to. If not for any other purpose but to help another poor soul in prison find hope in the Lord while trapped in their own silent hell. So I may tell them..."GOD LOVES YOU!" Keep on...HE WILL lead you to the place of healing!!! He is Jehovah Rapha...The God who Heals!!! Amen!! The greatest blessing was the freedom to be transparent and being totally free! I learned so many lessons on the importance of communicating...keeping short accounts with God and others....never get too far from my Shepherd...and so many more. Almost twenty years have gone by now , but I never want to forget those dark years and the lessons I learned there. Oh, believe me..I have had dark moments since but it's not the same kind of darkness. I no longer dwell there, nor am I lost in it. The past few years have been some of the darkest moments I, and my family, have faced in some time. I have felt as if I were in a dark room walking with my arms in front of me...just reaching out in faith. There have been times when I could hardly breathe the pain hurt so badly. It seems it has been one major blow after the other and unfortunately, in almost all the situations, it has not seemed possible to communicate and talk through issues with the others involved ---even though I tried--it was just not going to happen. Now, I don't know what new lessons God has for me to learn exactly during these heart wrenching trials, but I hope I learn soon because it tough and my soul aches and is weary. However, I remember the past lessons...His promises that I firmly stand on now! "He will never leave me or forsake me"..." For if the Son shall make me free...I am free indeed!!" ..."Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ"... I breathe His word in and out and although there is great strength in His Word... my heart aches over the people I have known all my life believing the worst about me and don't even bother to ask me if it is even true or not. This leads me back to my first sentence. I am often perplexed and the people that think they know me. See, if they REALLY knew me...they would know that when you have been where I have been, there is NO WAY I would do ANYTHING to ever risk not hearing God's voice again. I sing a song that I refer as my ‘heart song’~~"Alabaster Box". If anyone has ever heard me share my story and then heard me sing this song...you can't help but know that I mean every ounce of what I am singing. "You don't know the cost of the oil, in my Alabaster Box"...You know, only God REALLY knows, but then again, that's really the one that matters! I guess it hurts because since my past was redeemed from the pit, I have prayed that others would see Him in my life....and to think I have not been that witness breaks my heart. I do think that taking a stand , by the Word of God, is always the right thing...but I can only do what I am asked to do, and God will take care of the rest."We must obey God rather than men." If the Holy Spirit guides it is always according to the scriptures and NEVER contrary to them. For now, I must trust God to see me through this storm and this time, I WILL NOT take my eyes off of him! And although people may doubt and speak out of their ignorance because they choose to see, hear, and believe what they wish to ...just know, I would so much rather my name be in good standing in the streets of heaven than the streets of my hometown...or in this case, sadly, my home church. It just doesn't add up that I would, throughout my Christian walk, be honest with others and tell my husband , and those closest to me, the hard truths about my life, then lie or not be honest with much less significant things. I may be a lot of things,because I can assure you God still has much work to do in me, but I am not a liar, nor am I the type to not tell you straight out what's in my heart. Well, you see, that's my struggle and where I must let go. Sometimes it seems holding on and trying to make things right is what makes us strong, but sometimes, it is in letting go that gives us our strength. I will close with the rest of the song~~~~ "You weren't there, the night Jesus found me, you did not feel what I felt, when He put His loving arms around me...and You don't know the cost, of the oil, no...you don't know the cost of my praise...you don't know the cost of the oil, in my Alabaster Box.."~~~~ I love you, Lord. Thank you for loving me through the darkness of the night time of my soul and help anyone that may read this now that may be struggling in their own darkness. I pray they receive the strength they need… That they may have hope and faith. Send them people into their lives they can trust and who will love them unconditionally, the way You love, Lord. Show them your marvelous light!! I thank you for hearing my prayer then-- and now. I love you and I ask this in Jesus name, Amen
However, I now share all this for a reason. The time between living in silent hell and finding a Christian I could trust and that helped save my life lasted the span of four years!! Four LONG YEARS!!! I very well remember driving around many nights after my husband and little girls had gone to bed…just riding and riding by houses of people I loved and I knew they loved me and they loved Jesus but mostly… I KNEW Jesus loved them!! No one- unless you have been there- can imagine the lonely, dark, pit of despair I was in. It is by the grace of God I didn't take my own life. I was a mess and never dreamed God could ever love me, or heaven's sake use me AND redeem my past!?!? Although every day I would search the Psalms over and over... I especially camped out in Psalm 51. I just wonder how many times I prayed,"restore unto me the joy of thy salvation ...and I will teach transgressors Thy ways"??Then I would also pray from Joel, "restore the years the locust had eaten" I plead daily for my life to be restored...to be in God's presence, to hear His voice. The way He had before, straight from His word...but...until I let go of myself...it did not happen. And when I did...it did not happen immediately. It took years of counseling and truly I had to renew my mind with God's word. In the book I am writing, this is all covered and a little more detailed. [Some may say that is 'ruining my reputation' or airing dirty laundry but I think it is called overcoming by the 'word of my testimony' as it clearly states in Revelation] Not all are called to share, but I know the Lord has called me to. If not for any other purpose but to help another poor soul in prison find hope in the Lord while trapped in their own silent hell. So I may tell them..."GOD LOVES YOU!" Keep on...HE WILL lead you to the place of healing!!! He is Jehovah Rapha...The God who Heals!!! Amen!! The greatest blessing was the freedom to be transparent and being totally free! I learned so many lessons on the importance of communicating...keeping short accounts with God and others....never get too far from my Shepherd...and so many more. Almost twenty years have gone by now , but I never want to forget those dark years and the lessons I learned there. Oh, believe me..I have had dark moments since but it's not the same kind of darkness. I no longer dwell there, nor am I lost in it. The past few years have been some of the darkest moments I, and my family, have faced in some time. I have felt as if I were in a dark room walking with my arms in front of me...just reaching out in faith. There have been times when I could hardly breathe the pain hurt so badly. It seems it has been one major blow after the other and unfortunately, in almost all the situations, it has not seemed possible to communicate and talk through issues with the others involved ---even though I tried--it was just not going to happen. Now, I don't know what new lessons God has for me to learn exactly during these heart wrenching trials, but I hope I learn soon because it tough and my soul aches and is weary. However, I remember the past lessons...His promises that I firmly stand on now! "He will never leave me or forsake me"..." For if the Son shall make me free...I am free indeed!!" ..."Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ"... I breathe His word in and out and although there is great strength in His Word... my heart aches over the people I have known all my life believing the worst about me and don't even bother to ask me if it is even true or not. This leads me back to my first sentence. I am often perplexed and the people that think they know me. See, if they REALLY knew me...they would know that when you have been where I have been, there is NO WAY I would do ANYTHING to ever risk not hearing God's voice again. I sing a song that I refer as my ‘heart song’~~"Alabaster Box". If anyone has ever heard me share my story and then heard me sing this song...you can't help but know that I mean every ounce of what I am singing. "You don't know the cost of the oil, in my Alabaster Box"...You know, only God REALLY knows, but then again, that's really the one that matters! I guess it hurts because since my past was redeemed from the pit, I have prayed that others would see Him in my life....and to think I have not been that witness breaks my heart. I do think that taking a stand , by the Word of God, is always the right thing...but I can only do what I am asked to do, and God will take care of the rest."We must obey God rather than men." If the Holy Spirit guides it is always according to the scriptures and NEVER contrary to them. For now, I must trust God to see me through this storm and this time, I WILL NOT take my eyes off of him! And although people may doubt and speak out of their ignorance because they choose to see, hear, and believe what they wish to ...just know, I would so much rather my name be in good standing in the streets of heaven than the streets of my hometown...or in this case, sadly, my home church. It just doesn't add up that I would, throughout my Christian walk, be honest with others and tell my husband , and those closest to me, the hard truths about my life, then lie or not be honest with much less significant things. I may be a lot of things,because I can assure you God still has much work to do in me, but I am not a liar, nor am I the type to not tell you straight out what's in my heart. Well, you see, that's my struggle and where I must let go. Sometimes it seems holding on and trying to make things right is what makes us strong, but sometimes, it is in letting go that gives us our strength. I will close with the rest of the song~~~~ "You weren't there, the night Jesus found me, you did not feel what I felt, when He put His loving arms around me...and You don't know the cost, of the oil, no...you don't know the cost of my praise...you don't know the cost of the oil, in my Alabaster Box.."~~~~ I love you, Lord. Thank you for loving me through the darkness of the night time of my soul and help anyone that may read this now that may be struggling in their own darkness. I pray they receive the strength they need… That they may have hope and faith. Send them people into their lives they can trust and who will love them unconditionally, the way You love, Lord. Show them your marvelous light!! I thank you for hearing my prayer then-- and now. I love you and I ask this in Jesus name, Amen
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The Gospel According to Birdie
"We love you,Conrad, oh yes we do, we love you , Conrad, and we'll be true..." I wonder just how long it will take to get that song out of my mind, soul, and spirit?I must admit, I am feeling my age!!! The past five weeks have completely wiped me out! Our community theatre just finished the production of "Bye Bye Birdie"--start to finish in FIVE weeks. WOW! That was quite and undertaking for us all! The teens and adults all just jumped in as a team and it all came together beautifully. Oh..we all had our moments but everything was ironed out by the time the curtain was drawn on the first performance. The adults were great! I reconnected with old friends, and was blessed at the new friends that I made!I absolutely fell head over heels in love with all of the teens that were in the play! I am so impressed with the talent that roams through the halls in the Houston Middle and High School!Our director, Janet Coker, is the real trooper though!! She had to be exhausted at all the drama that went on in the process leading up to this event , but she handled it like a pro with pure grace and dignity, and we were all stronger as a whole for it. Her encouragement also went a long way!! Not to boost our ego but to walk with us, listen to us, and help us figure out how we could work together to make 'our' play better. I personally was way out of my comfort zone. Oh, the songs didn't bother me, or the lines, and it didn't even bother me that I had to somehow pull off being Spanish.(I look sooo NOT Spanish...Irish maybe...Spainish...ahh-not a chance) No, I had to dress in a sexy dress , sing with a Spanish accent , and DANCE.....in a BAR! I know , it's acting...but you can't fake sexy....or dancing!!! Oh, in high school, I was always placed in the back line during cheerleader dances. I have never been a dancer and have been perfectly ok with that..but now...I had to in front of my friends and family. I could feel the entire cast cheering me on as I began the"Spanish Rose" number. Friday, I pulled it off without a hitch!!In my heart, I could feel my fellow cast members with me. I had made a deal with Nolen Hood, who played Conrad Birdie and was not comfortable with his Elvis moves any more than I was my Latino moves. I told him if I could go out in that little black dress and dance and sing(IN A BAR) that he could shake his leg and move his hips! AND HE DID!! Todd , who was my love interest Albert Peterson, and I messed up one song every single time in rehearsal. We actually nailed it at the performance and as soon as the curtain closed....we were all doing major high fives and hugging and doing the happy dance until the curtain re-opened. From notes in songs our friends mastered(like my new friend that stole my heart..Agnes Williams'Mae Peterson' did)to dances,lines, props,etc....you get the picture... We had bonded as a group and were in this together and needed each other. Five weeks and we were so protective of one another and wanted to help, support, and cheer one another on. As I said, we had our moments...but in the end....we were a team. How ironic that during these five weeks, there were so many other things in so many of our lives that were also changing. God has always had me where He wanted me at just the right time because had I not been busy with this play, I fear I would have gotten too involved in some matters I really didn't need to be involved in. In saying that, I also noticed how like a community we were and the lessons we could learn from our 'Birdie Time'. Things like supporting one another and truly being happy for anothers well being. Encouraging one anothers strengths and being mindful of their weaknesses. As I said, the talent the teens possess is extraordinary but Molly May, who is a sophomore at Houston High School is phenomenal!!! She has a rare talent that is truly a gift from God. When she sings, it is as if everyone just stops whatever they may be doing or thinking just to listen. As talented as this young lady is, she could not do the entire play alone. She needed us as well as we needed her and together....we were able to complete the play. We each knew that some may have more parts than another, but each person was needed in order to be complete. Also, as it is often with groups, feelings get hurt. Sometimes intentional, sometimes not, and at times just because people were pushed to far. That is when Janet would ride in on her white horse for an intervention. As a good leader will do, many times, no one even realized she was intervening for them.(to keep peace) As I have stepped back from the play back into reality...I realize how similar life is to being at our play practices and how many lessons we could take away from it.We have a script to learn---PERIOD! We are not to re-write it, just learn it and do what it says. I don't have enough lifetime to explain Dr. Newall to you. He was music director and most of the fires that were put out...he started...But he was a stickler for staying true to the script and musical score.(Even if it meant I danced with a briefcase...oh, yeah..I had to go there) Saying this, by sticking to the script, there was no question of what to do. At times, especially when many teens are in the mix, not to mention many different adult personalities, troubles arise. The number one problem are people hurting each other. I have often quoted my girl, Beth Moore, "Hurt people, hurt people". When this would happen, our fearless leader would go to that person- talk things-out and once again- we would go forward. It helped that our dear Mr. Macafee was played by Brother Randy Rhineheart who is one of the most godly preachers I have ever known. He was always being a man after God's own heart and was quick to encourage, pray, or be His servant in any way he could. He was a pure blessing to us all! I had a mini-breakdown a time or two but I knew I had made a commitment and had to keep going. I just have to parallel this to our Christian walk. How many ways does God have to prove that His 'Script' (HIS WORD) is not to be tampered with or altered. We are not to pick and choose which parts we want to obey or even hear for that matter.[and woe to the ones who use it as a form of manipulation]And when we have ANY problem with one another- scripture clearly teaches us to go to one another...Right then...don't even let sun go down on anger. Just like the young people in the play getting upset because so-in-so is upset because so-in-so said--- oh my word---say what you will about them but adults are exactly the same way. Scripture says come as little children but I know this is NOT what it meant. How happy Satan is when he sees a group of believers so busy bickering and back biting that none are about God's business. I for one am exhausted!!!I don't know why people wonder why some never want come to church...gee, they may see and hear the behavior Christians have in everyday life. People can do every mission known to man and men may approve but it's all about the heart. That's what God sees.When will we realize that we need one another. We were never meant to BE the play...but A PART of it. That's the body of Christ is it not? I know I have to always check my motives and pray for a clean heart(PS.51) because scripture clearly shows me without God's mercy and grace...I am worthless.(a filthy rag)I know that I make mistakes every single day of my life but one thing I have no problem with is communication. I worked at a church for 7 years and believe me it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do IN MY LIFE! I was talked about , behind my back, for years. Although I knew who it was and usually what was said...I knew God had led me to do or not to do the very things that were talked about.(and I am not saying the things I heard through the grapevine weren't ligament concerns) What I wouldn't have given for those to come to ME and share concerns and talk it out instead of discussing it with everyone else. I now realize that some must prefer strife. Some like to be in the middle of a drama more than anything else I do believe.My heart for one has been broken over and over and over by the church,by people, and just by life in general.We ALL have. But God is a healer..Jehovah Rapha--"God Who Heals" AMEN!!! I praise God He has grown me up knowing the local church is not "the" church and our churches are all flawed.(ALL OF THEM)However, our churches sure are a reflection to our community, to the unsaved and for those who don't have a church home, to the hurting, and is really a family in many ways.(well, it has been to me anyway) In my family..we talk everything out. Hank and I celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary March 2 and we learned the hardest way possible over the years just how important it is to be honest NO MATTER WHAT...talk EVERYTHING out...and most of all...LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. Funny but I seem to assume I should apply that to all situations since that is what God's word says. Many times in my home , working with the youth at church,and most recently play practice, I witnessed what happens when a teen is confronted about something they have said,done, or anything they may be in question about...they get into defensive mode and blame everyone else. Sounds familiar doesn't it?I know that Satan is the author of confusion and only God's pure light can shine through the darkness.What do roaches do when a light is turned on in their darkness? SCRAM! Sin always wants to scram too. Guilty people seldom want to sit and talk but as Christians, I feel we shouldn't go for the purpose of condemning BUT for the purpose of mending. Things like anger and resentment tucked inside someone and kept quiet just grows like fungus in the dark.(spreads and attacks your body like cancer) And gossip is often totally a warped version of some truth.I think we all need to be about spreading the gospel rather than spreading gossip. Satan divides...God multiplies..which are you doing? Yes, as busy as I was....life was much easier going ninety to nothing during play practices and now that it's over...I have a heavy burden for my church family and that is literally breaking my heart. I don't know what you may be going through at this time but whatever it is-take Jesus by the hand and just get to the heart of the matter. In Him, there is always ,ALWAYS peace!(we have so much junk in the way we often forfeit true peace though)This is reality...THIS IS NOT PLAY PRACTICE---THIS IS LIFE!! However, I made a commitment long ago...about 24 years ago to be exact...to Jesus. To love Him, honor Him, follow and hide his Word in my heart that I may not sin against Him. Now, I can't fix all the problems around me...but I can be open, honest, and obedient to the things He places before me. I can be the best I can be which apart from Jesus , is pretty much, well actually, is absolutely nothing.All I can give Him is me. May my new song be.."I love you, Jesus, oh yes I do, I love you, Jesus, and I'll be true..." Now that is one song I never ever want to get out of my mind, soul, or spirit.
That's all I have the energy for right now,
LO
That's all I have the energy for right now,
LO
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
My Passion Revealed
One of my dreams has always been to write a novel. That is hilarious considering I am the worst speller on the planet and have no real clue how to actually go about anything past the writing. So...with that mindset, I have put it off. I kept downplaying it and telling myself it was silly to even consider and wasnt' even sure what to write. Right now my time is consumed literally with our community theatre production of "Bye Bye Birdie". The first act had to be learned in a week and a half which also I have three songs in that act to learn as well. I am loving it but my time is actually none. I can't believe I am even blogging but A BOOK??? NOW??? Although I have not one clue how to even format,(and certainly am clueless as to getting it published), I do believe the most important thing is the content..AND BOY DO I HAVE THAT! I really picked up my pen and couldn't stop.I decided to go old school and write it out. Then, I will use my lap top to tweak,perfect, and re-write-but for now, I just have to get the story out. It's been inside too long. Although I feel even as a type this, it has much still to be written that I have not yet realized that is even inside me. In a way, it is still a mystery to where it will go,or how it will end for that matter. Whatever the outcome I am so excited to finally have this project underway.I laughed and shared with someone if they were afraid they may end up in the book ...they should be. I think anyone who has had a deep,deep place in my life ---and I mean in my entire life---you can bet you are in there. Some more than others but those who were , and are, deep inside my heart and impacted my life in someway, YOU are in there. I am certain the names will be changed but you will know. Yes, "YOU"! Actually I began what I'll call the first chapter listening to "Puff the Magic Dragon" which was my favorite song at four years old. I listened to it OVER and OVER! I remember Bit, my black mama that kept me everyday, begging me to turn it off.(I would have spanked my tail but she says out of keeping my mama and Kathy- I was the only one she never spanked...that sure explains alot) However, she got creative and would tell me my little blue record player was so tired and needed a rest. Now I knew she was making that up but eventually I'd get my 'music fix' and turn it off. I have no memories of not being totally consumed with music. I have always had such a passion inside that sometimes I still don't understand. I am sure none of us have everything figured out which makes me feel better. The passion for music was, and is, the same I feel about being in love. I really have never been able to separate the two. It has taken me a lifetime to realize, they were not meant to be separated. I love the fact that throughout each part of my life I have at least one,sometimes two, songs I have written to go along with it. Instant soundtrack! It really sends chills all over me when I think of that! Although it may be years before I am truly done, I am going to close with the preface of my untitled book. I WELCOME any feedback!!!
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It seems my entire life I have been researching for the book I would someday write.Actually, the words have been lying dormant for years,but I havent' had the courage to put them on paper. I know part of writing is mixed with a measure of truth ,and the rule of thumb is to always write about what you know. What do I know...what do I know? I am one of those unusual people who can seem to recall every detail of my life. As far back as I remember I have had one desire, and one desire only. Well, technically it is actually two but to separate the two is like trying to separate an exhale from an inhale. One without the other would certainly bring about death. A breath must have the function of both to keep the body alive. My desire in life has the same function.For that would be love and music. How in this world do I make this comparison you may ask? That , my friend, is what I want to convey in these pages...my very heart...and my very soul.There is a longing inside me, an ache almost. All I know is that if I don't share this story, my life will have been incomplete and lacking in some way.Some stories are meant to be shared, and I truly feel this is one of them.
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That's all for now,
LO
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It seems my entire life I have been researching for the book I would someday write.Actually, the words have been lying dormant for years,but I havent' had the courage to put them on paper. I know part of writing is mixed with a measure of truth ,and the rule of thumb is to always write about what you know. What do I know...what do I know? I am one of those unusual people who can seem to recall every detail of my life. As far back as I remember I have had one desire, and one desire only. Well, technically it is actually two but to separate the two is like trying to separate an exhale from an inhale. One without the other would certainly bring about death. A breath must have the function of both to keep the body alive. My desire in life has the same function.For that would be love and music. How in this world do I make this comparison you may ask? That , my friend, is what I want to convey in these pages...my very heart...and my very soul.There is a longing inside me, an ache almost. All I know is that if I don't share this story, my life will have been incomplete and lacking in some way.Some stories are meant to be shared, and I truly feel this is one of them.
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That's all for now,
LO
Thursday, January 27, 2011
You Want Me to What???
Wow!!! This community theatre production rehearsal for "Bye Bye Birdie" is hard work but it's fun-fun-fun!!! These kids are amazing! In high school when we did anything we always had the chorus class period to practice and DID WE EVER!!! Polly Hunter Hardin(Grimes now) worked our tails off! And we were really good-- if I say so myself!!! However saying that, I can't believe the talent these young people have at HHS that do not even have a choral class offered them!!! In one week these teens have learned what it took at least a month for us to learn--- and then some!! WOW!!!!! I am most impressed! I remember David Pettigrew, our musical hero, always rising to the occasion at hand. Of course, he was our 'Conrad Birdie' and was fabulous!!! (Well, Noel Hood is going to give him a run for his money!) lol We had such fun during our practices. I have often said the only reason I went to school was for chorus and our productions. (maybe some truth in that) Anyway, we would get out for days during our plays. It was always a large project! The weeks prior the cast would do promotional spots on the local radio station and would promote at school as well. For example the week before "Bye Bye Birdie", we wore HUGE paper buttons that we made that said 'We Love You Conrad"! We would preform the entire program for the elementary school, Thursday was the middle school performance, and Friday was the high school's turn.(that was always toughest) Friday night was for the public. Later when Ms.Polly married our principal, Mr. GRIMES-- I realized how she got away with so many performances! HA HA just kidding.Although she was great, and Mr. Grimes was also..., we had a fruitcake for a superintendent!!! It is a miracle we got to do anything at all!! But we most certainly did! We did many musicals and tons of talent shows! It saddens me our children don't have the option for chorus at school anymore. What's even sadder is that they really had not taken advantage of it when they had it in the latter years. It seemed to have dwindled down to nothing before it was discontinued. That is so sad!!! So many scholarships lost...so many people never realizing their potential because they were never allowed the chance or opportunity to even be creative! How bored I would have been going to school now. Yeah, I was cheerleader and all that...but all that mattered to me was the music! As I listen to the young people practicing for this program..I am blown away at the raw talent! True, some have been well trained but the talent was born in them!!! I am very hard to impress but real talent--true God-given talent---is my favorite thing to witness! I am, as Daisy Mae said in Lil Abner, "Past my Prime" but am thrilled to be in the midst of young, fresh talent. And although I have been long past wanting -or shall I say enjoying --to be around teen-aged kids and the attitude that comes with it....I must say these young people seem to want to do this and it makes all the difference!! I know my mama(and daddy) would have skinned me alive if I had had the attitude , unfortunately, many kids have today. I have been snubbed by many for whatever reasons why!!(silly but sad) However, Janet Coker has done well this year because I truly enjoy this group! I really think I am too old to learn so many lines and me....spanish?....lol. ME, dance?...well, it is called acting so we'll see. I just am thankful for the chance to be a part of something again that brings back so many wonderful memories. Better yet, an opportunity to create so many new ones. Thanks, Janet, for making an avenue for the young and older to once again stretch our creative muscles and believing in us!!!! You are the best!!!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
It's A Mystery
I do believe I have downloaded a European server on my computer! I have special skills like that. I have fallen in total love with a piece of music that I could only purchase on Amazon.com for $100 at the least...so I found a website that I could download it for free and jumped on that! Oh me...entirely new toolbar and on it is the degrees for some distant land as of 3 am...(17A F) What's up with that? My dear friend ,Mike Childs, laughed at me when I got my first computer and told him I was afraid I'd kill it until he came down and realized my computer was so slow because I had contacted over 700 viruses!!! He had underestimated my abilities for sure. It's a gift! However, I do believe I'd download this foreign website again because this music--- I am in awe! Ludovico Einaudi is the artist I am so enthralled with at the moment. He arranged this beautiful work I am listening to at this very moment. It is the most beautiful and unusual I have heard in some time. It gets deep inside my soul and just infiltrates my senses. If you don't know what I am talking about, the only comparison I can make is to when you first fall in love. I know love is not just a feeling but in the beginning...it better be! I am just completely captivated buy this haunting melody and use of chord progressions.Brilliant! You know, this is the very thing that I will never understand about myself. Left unchecked...could be very dangerous I assume.(I know) It's the mystery that captivates me when I get lost in music. It really takes me to a place that literally takes my breath and tears fill my eyes while emotions fill my soul...no words...just music... but heard everything this composer intended to share as he has poured into this masterpiece. Oh...if this could be bottled and sold on a shelf...someone would make a fortune! I actually heard it in the movie remake of Dr. Zhivago. The original movie was filmed in the 1960's ,I believe. Although I'll admit, I never watched it ...it could never be as good as the remake with Hans Matheson and Keira Knightly that was filmed in 2002. The story was the saddest ever but the music alone was worth the watch. (The 1960's music was hokey to me.) This however...oh me. The story of Yury and Lara... I have no words.The title of the piece I am listening to now is called 'The Mystery of Love'. (Did I mention it is beautiful??) At the beginning Yury Zhivago, who is a doctor of medicine and avid poet, posses the question to his friends if they think there is one person in this world that holds the key to the unlocked places of a persons heart.Well...I know the real answer is yes...(Jesus)....but we all know he meant a romantic love of a persons life. My friend, if artists and musicians didn't have this mysterious way to ponder life ...every beautiful thing ever written would be non existent.Even most of the Psalms. King David...I know he'd get this blog!(can't wait to meet him someday) And yes...his passion unchecked got him into trouble. The same great passion but it must be held accountable or it will lead to darkness. This has been the hardest thing to understand in my life. In my early years it was impossible to understand, and I learned many hard lessons. I have never really understood why God created this inside me and placed me in a small town in Mississippi. lol I love my life very much but will admit it's hard to relate to others sometime. What I wouldn't give to be content with the same routine every day!!! Most of the time I fit in just fine...but sometimes I really feel the fact that I will always struggle of some level. I feel ,and always have, like a square peg trying to force myself into a circle.It's never going to happen ,and I am finally at a point in my life that I get that and am ok with that. If others aren't ok with that or don't get it, or me,...well, I really don't care. God does.! Maybe someday I understand this soul-stirring gift and just what I am supposed to do with it. For now, I embrace it and just write it out or I will surely explode. However, I also am aware I may never know or understand this....but that's ok too. For many years thought it must be from the enemy ....but it's just who I am and last time I checked, Psalm 139 said "I am fearfully and wonderfully made". So, I just realize God gave this gift to me and just remember to allow Him to continue to be in control of my life and then all will, or will not, be revealed...His call! If you are reading this, you may be scratching your head thinking , "What is she talking about?"...but for those that 'get it'....you know.... you know....
Lo
Lo
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