Ch-Ch-Changes

All my life I have wondered why menopause was called "The Change". However, now that I am in it...change is an understatement! Looking back -I realize just how much of a "change" has occurred. For example, I remember making people stand outside or not even going to the door if my house was messy.The change...now watch your step so you don't trip over something in the floor! lol I still keep a clean house but actually could care less if it is messy or less than perfect when someone comes over. You know what...we LIVE here people. It is not a museum , and I am not Martha Stewart. Along the same lines, I used to cook supper at least 5 nights a week and now, maybe 5 times a month. Well, maybe a bit more than that but not much more. Our family has changed and rather than continue a pattern that seemed almost sinful to change, I was killing myself to 'keep up the pace' so...scratch! Then, there is my ALMOST animal love. lol Anyone that really knows me is laughing right now. I AM NOT THAT LADY that has a little dog love or love for any animal for that matter. In my 'change of life' however, I have a heart for dogs! Just last week, my daughter was given a chocolate lab puppy from one of her second grade students. (Sweet little thing)I love this puppy! Kati brought him to Rivers T ball game last week and he was shivering. I picked him up and snuggled him to my heart and patted his back. Then I put him inside my jacket and zipped it up!! The look on Kati's face was priceless! She asked,"where is my mama and what have you done with her?"! I also agreed to feed and allow our stray dog [I will call her DP for short....how she got her name is a whole other story;)] to actually live. I have grown to really like her and lucky me....she had puppies. Of course, she lives on fertile hill, what were we thinking?? You must know that although I never have killed ANY pet we have ever had, the many we have had have all died. Mostly hit by a car but once --one got into rat poison.Mike Childs believes to this day I planned that. Everyone questioned me heavily about that one but I did NOT do that!(never would) However ,two of my kids brought home white mice from a festival once , and I watched Hank let them go as our cat, Cat Harrington, chased them away into the pasture!! I must confess, I was quite fond of Cat Harrington. Cat minded his own business, kept critters away,expected(nor wanted)any affection, and ate all our leftovers. Sadly, after years of partnership, he moved down the street when I stopped cooking as much. The lady down the street makes some killer homemade biscuits! Oh well.... One of the pet stories I am most known for is the time I was dog sitting for our youth minister at that time and his family. It was a Dalmatian dog and those little boys love their pet, Purdy.Clearly, they 'knew not what they were doing' when they asked us to keep him but...oh well!! A few days into the dog's sentence and BAM...hit by a car!!! I really hated that dog but felt bad for the family. Especially when I received a post card in the mail from the little ones, three and six years old to Purdy! Oh well, no one ever asked me to dog sit again! Now...back to menopause!!!! Of course, there are also the physical changes to contend with as well. The hot flashes alone are ridiculous!I wonder if you can die of internal combustion during one such episode?(Almost certain someone else might someday--JK) I used to wear flannel shirts buttoned to my neck to bed at night! lol I have really always worn pants and a short or long sleeve shirt or something to keep me warm because my house is always around 69 or 70 degrees at night! Now, I wear those half little spaghetti strap nighties and kick the cover off and on and on and off ALL NIGHT LONG!! I do believe though, hands down, the beard is the most atrocious!!! Come on God, do we really have to grow a beard?? Oh me, this all stinks and I hear it last for MANY ,MANY years!! After all these years, Hank picked a strange time in my life to buy me a gun!! Ya think? Well, these are all real changes that are clearly new to me but the one that is the most profound to me is the realization that I truly don't give a rip what anyone thinks of me anymore. It is very unlike me and freeing at the same time. I remember my sister telling me once that people had it wrong about PMS. It was not that ladies are in a bad mood once a month it is more like they don't really care because they have no tolerance left.Well to me, menopause is like PMS on crack!!! I have noticed that I really have been trying to make sure everyone understood everything and motive I have ever had. If someone was offended by me or mistook anything I did or said, I felt awful.I would not rest until all was well in any conflict or misunderstanding. Oh, sure, I did say things sharp and hurt others with my tone, look, or words, but many , many times I did not. I remember marrying into Hank's family and wondering how I would ever make it in his family. Everyone was totally different from me. They all were always so nice and agreed with each other. I was not awful, just completely different from them and definitely did have an opinion on ALL things! I began to think something was wrong with me and so began my journey to "fix" me. I have always, always loved and greatly admired Donna, my sister in law. From the time I started dating Hank until present she has made me feel nothing but loved. (As still does!) She has a quiet and gentle spirit and is loved by almost everyone that knows her. My brilliant plan was to be like her. LOL That is so funny!! She is so quiet...I AM LOUD...she is kind...I am blunt...she is reserved ....I am animated...you see where this is headed! I really thought I would explode. I finally learned over the years I could only be me, and no one else! Unfortunately, that was not always accepted kindly. You know, people would rather you not have an opinion ,have a different way of seeing something, and certainly if your feelings have been hurt...say nothing. Also, many are under the impression that keeping peace means ignoring everything and that being indifferent is ok. Really??? Well, my hormones have altered , and with that came a brand new take on life. I really no longer care what someone may think of me. I said that in younger years but deep inside, I cared very much! Now, I really can say I don't. Now understand me, I never want to set out to hurt ANYONE. I would never just be mean to BE MEAN or say things to hurt someone just because! That is not who I am nor will ever be! My heart does belong to the Lord and there is no way that is ever ok. I know we are to treat others as we would like to be treated and to love others as we love ourselves. However, something that is drastically different is my view on it all! My entire life has been about making sure, or trying to make sure, everyone is ok with me. Even if that meant allowing things that really were not mine to own or something I created---I still at all cost wanted to suck it up and smooth things over. The thought of having a bad rapport with someone made me sick and my life was not ok if all was not ok in my world. Now, I know as Christians, we are to be at peace with others as far as we can help it. We are all in agreement there BUT to be the dumping ground and always assume I am to blame was wrong as well. This has been more or less an internal thing I have always struggled with. Now, it is just a way of life. I always thought I must be the one wrong in every conflict. If someone excluded me in conversation, planning of events, or in any way- have mercy- criticized me etc...I automatically thought it was because I was less than or had done something to offend them or they did not think I was worthy! Some of this was resolved as I matured but some was just my nature and BOY DID THAT CHANGE! I now understand..I am who I am period. Take it or leave it. I am no longer an appeaser by nature. Winston Churchill once said,"An appeaser is one who feeds the crocodile hoping it will eat him last." Bottom line, if someone screws over everyone else he will eventually screw you over as well!! I can not, nor should I do one thing to 'win' over anyone. If God intended me to be otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. So..I will never apologize for showing emotion, or lack thereof. For in doing so ,I am apologizing for the truth! So now, whether it's right or wrong, I no longer really care. Life is too short. In my book of quotes there is one I love from Julia Roberts that says,"You don't have to wonder if I like someone or not...believe me, you will know it." I like that. I like it because for so long I lived my life under the terms that no matter what...I always have to be nice and smile and go out of my way to be kind to someone even if they have hurt me, or whatever. Treating others with respect and going out of my way to be nice are not the same to me anymore. If someone has talked about me behind my back, been rude to me, etc... I now react differently. I am agreeing with Julia on that one from now on. I am staying true to myself..like it or not! Another quote I love is "He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." Well, no more for me, thank you. I have some amazing friends and family that simply love me and I them...simply put--because they are who they are. Nothing can change or take away from that. I have been in the making of my life since birth and don't see anything on the horizon altering my personality. However, my reaction is altered forever. So if I have gotten my fill of life situations, people, and other issues and no longer willingly participate in every former activity...just know there has been a "change" in my life. Although often cast in a negative light, I almost welcome it as a breath of fresh air!! Good-bye to the mendacity in life! Indifference--so long! Appeasing others ego is no longer a pastime of mine --even though I never realized by always caring what everyone was thinking or if someone was upset with me that that is just what I was doing! So if this is "The Change" that is attached to menopause ...I welcome it with open arms! I am free! Free...at last!

That's all I know for now,
LO

My Special Something

Well, I have not written in several days. My husband has been home for almost a week now with gout! Bless his heart he can't even walk. He feels every day that the next day he'll be ok only to wake up in severe pain!!!! (He always looks on the positive side) Well, maybe tomorrow will be his day. I know he is really ready to be better and get out of the house and do anything.....but, let this one fact not escape you friends....HE CAN"T BE MORE READY THAN ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol I love him but I am ready for the house back. He is a good patient,don't misunderstand. I really think I'm just a selfish, selfish woman! The week before school starts and I have a house full at all times. I can't clean, think, have any alone time....etc..you get the picture. The older I get the more I embrace my peculliarness! I must have a certain amount of alone time to function. I know many people that would rather do anything than be alone but not me!!! I am not one of those people. Never have been. When I was a child I could turn my little room into an entire apartment with an upstairs(the typewriter was step to bed-2nd floor) My closet was always my baby's room. I had little hideouts and plenty to keep me occupied. I loved to play with others ,and love to be with family and friends now, but there has always been something sacred about "my time". I have had seasons in my life when it was not possible to have that time as often as I would like , or shall I say it was not as much a priority. When our children were small , for instances, they were priority and certainly Hank is. I have always loved taking care of them and my little house. I really enjoy cleaning my house too!! Especially vacuuming!!! (However, I'm still in mourning over the death of my red , hot-rod , vacuum) Haven't had the same experience with the "Yugo" vac I've had to settle for at this time! Memories....those were the days. Oh, well, back to the point. Well , during the past several years, I had written a song or two but that was it. I had decided my creative days were done. I have a deep need to create and have not one ounce of ability to draw or NEEDLE WORK of any kind!!(got that from my mama) Love to cook but also feel I need to eat all my creations.(Just now getting rid of the pounds I packed on last winter learning to make caramel icing) So, I create with words....and anyone that knows me, know I have plenty of them!!! lol Well, I had some choices to make this past year as I begin realized life wasn't going just like I thought. HAD I NOT PRAYED ENOUGH OR GOOD ENOUGH??? The more I realized life certainly has no guarantees , the more I knew I could use the past for "life fuel" like I always have. In this case it was to spark the unique qualities God had placed inside me at the time He created me!! Do I think I am a great writer or an musician?? No!!!! However it sure tuns the grey in my life into an amazing spectrum of colors!! I sit here now listening to Josh Groban while I type. Now---he is amazing. He literally brings tears to my eyes and my soul is deeply touched when I hear him sing. My favorite is when I don't understand the language...that is true beauty!!!! That's the passion inside the depths of myself I never want to forget. I had one of my 'meltdowns' the other night. As I was sharing with Hank about how I have enjoyed blogging and the release of the information was remarkable. Music has been in the very fiber of my being for as long as I can remember. I am not the best and really don't care if I am, but I LOVE MUSIC!! Music took me away from the people and things I loved most in this world many years ago though. I used the gift for reasons that were never meant to be. I made it "mine". Gifts, true gifts , soul gifts, were meant to be freely shared and given back. Now, along the journey if you make money........Praise GOD!!! Can't think of anything better that using your natural God-given gifts to make a living! However, I pushed and shoved and planned and never even asked God if that may be a good idea or not. That was the main mistake.....HELLO LORI!!!! lol Well, after my rather lengthy field trip with God, I shut the music out of my life . For several years I didn't even sing. As healing began to take place, the music slowly returned. Years later, I wrote music and lyrics again....but as I told Hank, until now, the pause button has been on. See, each song I have ever loved, has a memory attached!!! The good, bad , and yes--the ugly! It has been a rush of emotions listening to the soundtrack of my life lately. And yes, watching it too in my mind. I know I have always felt everything so deeply. Few people understand that passion. Passion can be good or bad but those who have it know what I'm talking about. (just keep it in check) Finally, I understand that balance at 43. But the way I see it it's like someone that draws without passion is just a mechanical drawer. People can learn to do all sorts of things but some are seared in our very being. Well, I will probably never be published, famous, or known among any music or writer's circle, but my passion will never be stuffed in a little box again as long as I live. Part of me was missing. A huge part of me that makes me, me.So, I may not get to have alone time, even now, as often as I'd always like it, but I have to just unplug from my life now and then so I can hear the music in my heart-to create what has yet to be created---to just be. How wonderful to block off time to pour yourself into something so amazing that truly takes you to a place only you can understand. My husband loves me and I know would give his life for mine if he had to but, he can't fill that gap. No one can. Certainly, we each have a vacuum that is God sized and only He can fill, but this is something different. That little individual something that is just designed for you. I don't know what yours is but it has taken me a lifetime of hide and seek and not understanding how important it is to nurture mine! So, I'm winding up now to go take care of my dear husband that has no idea where I am ! (Bless him---he's about to get used to me I guess) and, home is where my heart is but I have a little part that belongs just to me---and I know now it is to share and freely share it! However, it is still mine..... Guess that is why God Himself placed it there! Ya think?

Well, that's all I know for now !!
LO