Speak Now...Don't Forever Hold Your Peace (you may explode)

I am one of those fortunate,or unfortunate, people who remembers almost everything. I actually was looking at old photos last week of my birthday party when I was four and remembered what was in the gift before me.(purple zip-up bag I put my dance shoes in from Melinda Turner--now Kopp) I remember details about things that most people would never remember. It sure would have been nice if I could have remembered things such as historical dates, math facts(especially in geometry), and punctuation rules,etc...you get the idea. I also, even now, can quote off any number and birthday of most anyone I happened to be friends with in school. I even remember the numbers of my mama's phone numbers she had hanging by the phone in her kitchen. It is crazy the memories and details I remember. Maybe everyone does but not in my family. They have always been amazed that I could recall most every event and at times , even the date. I kept a diary all through middle school so if I wrote it down and dated it...I remember. For example, January 4, 1980 , Karen Craig took our Jr. High MYF to see the movie "1941". On October 29, 1979...I had my official boyfriend. On and on and on I could go. You see, each memory is somehow stitched into the very fiber of who I am and has made me who I am today. Although it is wonderful to remember, I can feel each memory as if it were yesterday. There is one memory that is as vivid today as if it just happened yesterday. I was in the third grade and Mrs. Ruth Couch was my teacher. I loved her(and still do) and happened to be her across the street neighbor. Well, I had a best friend that year too. We had so much fun and stayed at each others house , talked on the phone, and just seemed to be inseparable. But, even at eight years old, I had to have my space! I also wanted more than one friend,and it was becoming clear that she was not the type to share friends and was very possessive of me. As an adult, I see clearly how insecure this friend of mine was but at that young age, I wrote a note (in yellow marker)telling her I did not want to be her only friend anymore and we could not be best friends. Oh my word...she cried and carried on so that it confused me and I just left her alone. Then she wrote back on the note,"I am going to tell Mrs. Couch on you." To that I replied,"Mrs. Couch can't do anything about that.She will not make me be your friend if I don't want to...that's my choice." Well, she tore the note up and threw it away. Finally, the bell rang and we went to English--Mrs.Martha Carol Ellard's room. Whew! I was so glad to be out of homeroom when all of the sudden Mrs. Ellard asked me to the front only to lead me to the hall where Mrs. Couch stood holding the torn pieces of the letter written in yellow magic marker. I felt so bad and I knew by that look I was about to feel worse. I loved Mrs. Couch and did not want her to think bad of me and yet that look told me she was not too happy at the moment. She proceeded to read bits and pieces of the note back to me. The words were lost in translation as she got only a portion of the meaning. From her assessment she thought it was saying,"Mrs.Couch won't do anything to me." She assumed I thought because we were neighbors and our families were friends ,I thought I would receive special treatment. All I meant was if I had hit my friend or really done anything to her-then, my teacher could punish me but because I didn't want to have a best friend...that was my call...But do you know now what I did???? NOTHING! I stood there with tears in my eyes and never opened my mouth to explain what I meant.I knew in my young heart what I meant and that was not it! That day was the first time I remember letting others put words in my mouth by assuming they understood my motives. I was a child and she was my teacher.There was no way I was opening my mouth to explain anything. So, I said yes ma'am and cried and went back to class. A pattern was formed from there I believe. Oh don't get me wrong, I have always had a lot of spirit, energy, and boy can I talk, but was never very good at talking up for myself. As I got older,it began coming out as anger because I never learned to express anything inside.The times throughout middle and high school that I needed to speak up, I didn't. God was looking out for me even then and sent me my Anna, my bodyguard. Just let someone in her earshot give me grief...lol I still call her my bodyguard to this day. My mother was a teacher in the school system and my daddy was in politics , so I always tried to show respect at least in attitude. Thankfully, I had many friends and not a ton of conflict but as I got older, it effected me a little more. This little town I live in has always had its little town ways. Every one of my friends and I had been the department store and social club 'topic' more than once. The funny thing was that even though we were teens, we probably knew way more about the lives of the ladies that gossiped about us (from hanging out at the Country Club Pro Shop) that those ladies did. We laughed at the secrets we knew and one of my friends always said she would black mail them for money. Although she was crazy enough to do it, thankfully she never did. Before I finished high school, I found I was pregnant and leaped to the front of the leader board in the gossip realm. That was rare in the mid eighties so you can rest assured...I was the hot topic. I was so ashamed that for several years, I walked in total shame and was left with no self worth or self esteem.People didn't not know me, but I certainly allowed their opinions to define me. I gave my heart to the Lord at nineteen and life began to change. It took many years for God to heal my broken places and teach me the proper way to respond and take a stand. I definitely found my voice and it has been a life long battle to tame it. However, little by little, God is still working on me. One thing I have learned is it is wrong to not speak up when the conviction to speak is there. And never again will I not speak up when I know something should be said. I have a voice and intend to use it. Not to argue but to speak my opinion, speak truth, and for goodness sake ...to take a stand. I do believe many people actually believe to keep peace is to remain silent even when you KNOW to do so is betraying your very soul. Winston Churchill once said,"You have enemies? Good. That means you stood up for something in your life." Just today I heard through the ever so faithful "Houston Grapevine" that I was very outspoken and had gotten on someones bad side because I stood up to them. Really?? Well, you know what..I am glad I have a spine and last time I checked, that was not a bad thing. And at least you know where I stand and I don't whisper behind your back or put on a mask for each group I am around. We as humans are so accustomed to wear a disguise for others that I wonder if we have become disguised even to ourselves. I have been called and accused of many things over the years and you know, more than half was not even true. However, if anyone ever wants my opinion or thoughts, oh please.... just ask! I am not sure if it started with my needy,insecure little friend in third grade or somewhere along the way, but this chick learned that if I had something to say, I had better say it! If not, I will be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to become a victim or accept any one's definition of your life...define it yourself! God gave us a voice for a reason and we are to use it wisely. I do not like to hear negative things said about me but those things no longer imprison me. The only way anyone can have power over me is if I let them. I will not conform because I think the majority will disagree with me. Remember, only dead fish swim downstream. I am not afraid to go against the flow if it is what I feel is the right thing to do. I have finally learned in my life that I would rather be disliked for being who I am than loved for someone I AM NOT! So now find your voice and speak up.Words can be used to build up or tear down...encourage or discourage...words are powerful and we each must be careful to use them wisely....But never , ever apologize for being who you are and heaven forbid ...having an opinion different from someone else!!! With that said I will close with the words of John Mason,"You were born an original. Don't die a copy."



That's all for now,
LO

You Don't Know the Cost....But God Does

I am often perplexed at the people that presume to think they know me. It is a known fact that if you spend any length of time with me, you will probably hear about something from my life. If you spend a little more time, you will hear even more. You see, for many years, I spent my life in a prison that I created. The walls were made of secrets and lies I had allowed to take me captive. I was in my private little hell for more years than I care to remember. Did I wake up one day and choose that life? Of course not...no one ever chooses to live in hell--they just stumble upon it. Actually, it was almost as if I were lured there. For years, I lived life however I wanted and on 'my' terms!! Of course, I was a child and lacked any sort of discernment or focus for my life. My parents laid the groundwork out and made sure I was in church, school, and had my needs met.(bless them--I wore them out) However, in every life, we each make our own choices. Mine, well, I will just say it took quite a few 'field trips' for God to get my attention. At this time, I will not go into all the details of the life choices that led me to the deep , dark, debilitating depression I suffered, but know I learned all too well about consequences to sin choices. What started as little choices while growing up in middle school and high school (as I often shared with the youth when I worked with them at our church) determined the direction my life would take. AND DID IT EVER!! One by one, each choice led right into the other....like dominoes stacked side by side and at the touch of a hand---they all..fall..down. After getting married at 17, having my girls at 18 and 20...let's just say by age 25, I had a sort of break down. I was exhausted by life and even though I had become a Christian at 19, God loved me enough to teach me by way of the 'field trip' method! In other words, the hard way!!! (I did not ‘feel’ God’s love nor did I ‘feel’ Him near..but that sure did NOT mean He was not there!!!)Even though He knew that meant falling right on my face... I learned that "He'll Do Whatever it Takes" for His message to get through to his children—and He sure will do it!!Let me stop right here and say that I 'joined' our church at 9 years of age , but I did not except Jesus as my Savior and was not born again until age 19. Boy, I almost never got the preacher that was there at that time to baptize me and to make the 'church people' understand that- contrary to what the discipline of the denomination said or wherever they got their rules from- I was just now born again. Although I was only 19...I knew I had gone from sin soaked to filled with the Holy Spirit….And NO ONE could make me budge on that!!! I am not knocking anyone's church...but that was what the Holy Spirit led me to do...so-I did! As I hungered for the word , I later discovered all of the answers to what I was experiencing in the scriptures -which blew my mind even further when I also read that God writes His word upon our hearts!!!!(before I even read those Biblical truths, God had written them on the walls of my heart) Well, being so in love with the Lord it took that crafty devil no time to find my weaknesses. Being a baby Christian, I was wide open for an enemy attack! Well, He used many things to distract and tempt me. Remember, He always appears as an angel of light....never saw him coming--I had so many kinks in my armor. My main downfall, was getting out of God's word and not focusing on Him. So...without going into all the details, let me just say that not only did I fall--let's say--crashed!!! At 25, I wanted to die.(death would have been welcomed) I confided in our pastor who was there at that time. There were so many secrets that had tormented me for years. I was trying soooo hard to remember how to hear God,to feel God, for Him to love me, to find the light I had known, begging for direction... My biggest fear was that if anyone knew all my secrets…. they would never love me again. How could God even love me...I turned my back on the most awesome love I had ever known, and walked away to do my thing....isn't that unforgivable? I could certainly not tell Hank. I had betrayed him most of all...I was in HELL and little did I know, it would get worse before it got better.(and I walked right into it) Did I not deserve this? Well, as I read in scripture searching frantically, I was pretty sure scripture was pointing toward confession to my Father in heaven AND my husband. But the silence kept me in prison. So...surely I thought I could trust this new preacher we had and he would give me answers from God’s word. I was paralyzed with fear as the words finally came out of my mouth and then… down came his slam on the desk with a loud “NO!” with his finger pointed in my face. He proceeded to tell me that was not Biblical and only selfish on my part for wanting to tell Hank these things I had kept from him. I was humiliated and broken even more. He never opened his Bible, nor did he pray with me… nothing...just talk-talk-talk. If I wanted someone to tell me their opinion, I could have gone to just about anyone. I needed a pastor, a shepherd…I needed someone to tell me the truth…GOD’S TRUTH! Looking back, it was all just empty chatter. (Actually, he confirmed what I had already feared. I now know….that was not the voice of my Lord!!!) Oh, many in our church thought he was the most wonderful preacher, but I begin that very day to see a totally different man than many did. (I now realize that many of those people just wanted their ears tickled. But I needed REAL healing and a REAL Christian counselor!) He fooled many, but when plum lined with scripture, He was clearly a wolf in sheep's clothing. Any old Joe can be popular—entertain--- and even be very much liked…. but a ‘friend’ is not what a hurting and lost world needs…this world, people, and yes ME TOO…. we are all in desperate need of a preacher. Finally, he was asked to leave our church. A friend of mine later confessed he had shared --in a very degrading way --- the things I had shared in confidence with him that day. Thank goodness I had the courage to continue searching for help. Please understand…it was about survival at this point. I HAD to have Jesus…His presence….the oneness I had known before…I had to have it back, or I really knew I could not survive! It was now my lifeline…my oxygen. I finally found a lady that was a Christian counselor in Tupelo that loved Jesus and, did not only use her Bible, but lived by it and loved by it! That began my healing journey. She showed me scripture after scripture and God chiseled it onto my heart. I eventually shared all my dark secrets with my husband and family members and THAT was when God began blowing our minds as a miraculous healing began in my heart and in our marriage! Looking back, it still amazes me at how detailed He is in everything!
However, I now share all this for a reason. The time between living in silent hell and finding a Christian I could trust and that helped save my life lasted the span of four years!! Four LONG YEARS!!! I very well remember driving around many nights after my husband and little girls had gone to bed…just riding and riding by houses of people I loved and I knew they loved me and they loved Jesus but mostly… I KNEW Jesus loved them!! No one- unless you have been there- can imagine the lonely, dark, pit of despair I was in. It is by the grace of God I didn't take my own life. I was a mess and never dreamed God could ever love me, or heaven's sake use me AND redeem my past!?!? Although every day I would search the Psalms over and over... I especially camped out in Psalm 51. I just wonder how many times I prayed,"restore unto me the joy of thy salvation ...and I will teach transgressors Thy ways"??Then I would also pray from Joel, "restore the years the locust had eaten" I plead daily for my life to be restored...to be in God's presence, to hear His voice. The way He had before, straight from His word...but...until I let go of myself...it did not happen. And when I did...it did not happen immediately. It took years of counseling and truly I had to renew my mind with God's word. In the book I am writing, this is all covered and a little more detailed. [Some may say that is 'ruining my reputation' or airing dirty laundry but I think it is called overcoming by the 'word of my testimony' as it clearly states in Revelation] Not all are called to share, but I know the Lord has called me to. If not for any other purpose but to help another poor soul in prison find hope in the Lord while trapped in their own silent hell. So I may tell them..."GOD LOVES YOU!" Keep on...HE WILL lead you to the place of healing!!! He is Jehovah Rapha...The God who Heals!!! Amen!! The greatest blessing was the freedom to be transparent and being totally free! I learned so many lessons on the importance of communicating...keeping short accounts with God and others....never get too far from my Shepherd...and so many more. Almost twenty years have gone by now , but I never want to forget those dark years and the lessons I learned there. Oh, believe me..I have had dark moments since but it's not the same kind of darkness. I no longer dwell there, nor am I lost in it. The past few years have been some of the darkest moments I, and my family, have faced in some time. I have felt as if I were in a dark room walking with my arms in front of me...just reaching out in faith. There have been times when I could hardly breathe the pain hurt so badly. It seems it has been one major blow after the other and unfortunately, in almost all the situations, it has not seemed possible to communicate and talk through issues with the others involved ---even though I tried--it was just not going to happen. Now, I don't know what new lessons God has for me to learn exactly during these heart wrenching trials, but I hope I learn soon because it tough and my soul aches and is weary. However, I remember the past lessons...His promises that I firmly stand on now! "He will never leave me or forsake me"..." For if the Son shall make me free...I am free indeed!!" ..."Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ"... I breathe His word in and out and although there is great strength in His Word... my heart aches over the people I have known all my life believing the worst about me and don't even bother to ask me if it is even true or not. This leads me back to my first sentence. I am often perplexed and the people that think they know me. See, if they REALLY knew me...they would know that when you have been where I have been, there is NO WAY I would do ANYTHING to ever risk not hearing God's voice again. I sing a song that I refer as my ‘heart song’~~"Alabaster Box". If anyone has ever heard me share my story and then heard me sing this song...you can't help but know that I mean every ounce of what I am singing. "You don't know the cost of the oil, in my Alabaster Box"...You know, only God REALLY knows, but then again, that's really the one that matters! I guess it hurts because since my past was redeemed from the pit, I have prayed that others would see Him in my life....and to think I have not been that witness breaks my heart. I do think that taking a stand , by the Word of God, is always the right thing...but I can only do what I am asked to do, and God will take care of the rest."We must obey God rather than men." If the Holy Spirit guides it is always according to the scriptures and NEVER contrary to them. For now, I must trust God to see me through this storm and this time, I WILL NOT take my eyes off of him! And although people may doubt and speak out of their ignorance because they choose to see, hear, and believe what they wish to ...just know, I would so much rather my name be in good standing in the streets of heaven than the streets of my hometown...or in this case, sadly, my home church. It just doesn't add up that I would, throughout my Christian walk, be honest with others and tell my husband , and those closest to me, the hard truths about my life, then lie or not be honest with much less significant things. I may be a lot of things,because I can assure you God still has much work to do in me, but I am not a liar, nor am I the type to not tell you straight out what's in my heart. Well, you see, that's my struggle and where I must let go. Sometimes it seems holding on and trying to make things right is what makes us strong, but sometimes, it is in letting go that gives us our strength. I will close with the rest of the song~~~~ "You weren't there, the night Jesus found me, you did not feel what I felt, when He put His loving arms around me...and You don't know the cost, of the oil, no...you don't know the cost of my praise...you don't know the cost of the oil, in my Alabaster Box.."~~~~ I love you, Lord. Thank you for loving me through the darkness of the night time of my soul and help anyone that may read this now that may be struggling in their own darkness. I pray they receive the strength they need… That they may have hope and faith. Send them people into their lives they can trust and who will love them unconditionally, the way You love, Lord. Show them your marvelous light!! I thank you for hearing my prayer then-- and now. I love you and I ask this in Jesus name, Amen