Speak Now...Don't Forever Hold Your Peace (you may explode)

I am one of those fortunate,or unfortunate, people who remembers almost everything. I actually was looking at old photos last week of my birthday party when I was four and remembered what was in the gift before me.(purple zip-up bag I put my dance shoes in from Melinda Turner--now Kopp) I remember details about things that most people would never remember. It sure would have been nice if I could have remembered things such as historical dates, math facts(especially in geometry), and punctuation rules,etc...you get the idea. I also, even now, can quote off any number and birthday of most anyone I happened to be friends with in school. I even remember the numbers of my mama's phone numbers she had hanging by the phone in her kitchen. It is crazy the memories and details I remember. Maybe everyone does but not in my family. They have always been amazed that I could recall most every event and at times , even the date. I kept a diary all through middle school so if I wrote it down and dated it...I remember. For example, January 4, 1980 , Karen Craig took our Jr. High MYF to see the movie "1941". On October 29, 1979...I had my official boyfriend. On and on and on I could go. You see, each memory is somehow stitched into the very fiber of who I am and has made me who I am today. Although it is wonderful to remember, I can feel each memory as if it were yesterday. There is one memory that is as vivid today as if it just happened yesterday. I was in the third grade and Mrs. Ruth Couch was my teacher. I loved her(and still do) and happened to be her across the street neighbor. Well, I had a best friend that year too. We had so much fun and stayed at each others house , talked on the phone, and just seemed to be inseparable. But, even at eight years old, I had to have my space! I also wanted more than one friend,and it was becoming clear that she was not the type to share friends and was very possessive of me. As an adult, I see clearly how insecure this friend of mine was but at that young age, I wrote a note (in yellow marker)telling her I did not want to be her only friend anymore and we could not be best friends. Oh my word...she cried and carried on so that it confused me and I just left her alone. Then she wrote back on the note,"I am going to tell Mrs. Couch on you." To that I replied,"Mrs. Couch can't do anything about that.She will not make me be your friend if I don't want to...that's my choice." Well, she tore the note up and threw it away. Finally, the bell rang and we went to English--Mrs.Martha Carol Ellard's room. Whew! I was so glad to be out of homeroom when all of the sudden Mrs. Ellard asked me to the front only to lead me to the hall where Mrs. Couch stood holding the torn pieces of the letter written in yellow magic marker. I felt so bad and I knew by that look I was about to feel worse. I loved Mrs. Couch and did not want her to think bad of me and yet that look told me she was not too happy at the moment. She proceeded to read bits and pieces of the note back to me. The words were lost in translation as she got only a portion of the meaning. From her assessment she thought it was saying,"Mrs.Couch won't do anything to me." She assumed I thought because we were neighbors and our families were friends ,I thought I would receive special treatment. All I meant was if I had hit my friend or really done anything to her-then, my teacher could punish me but because I didn't want to have a best friend...that was my call...But do you know now what I did???? NOTHING! I stood there with tears in my eyes and never opened my mouth to explain what I meant.I knew in my young heart what I meant and that was not it! That day was the first time I remember letting others put words in my mouth by assuming they understood my motives. I was a child and she was my teacher.There was no way I was opening my mouth to explain anything. So, I said yes ma'am and cried and went back to class. A pattern was formed from there I believe. Oh don't get me wrong, I have always had a lot of spirit, energy, and boy can I talk, but was never very good at talking up for myself. As I got older,it began coming out as anger because I never learned to express anything inside.The times throughout middle and high school that I needed to speak up, I didn't. God was looking out for me even then and sent me my Anna, my bodyguard. Just let someone in her earshot give me grief...lol I still call her my bodyguard to this day. My mother was a teacher in the school system and my daddy was in politics , so I always tried to show respect at least in attitude. Thankfully, I had many friends and not a ton of conflict but as I got older, it effected me a little more. This little town I live in has always had its little town ways. Every one of my friends and I had been the department store and social club 'topic' more than once. The funny thing was that even though we were teens, we probably knew way more about the lives of the ladies that gossiped about us (from hanging out at the Country Club Pro Shop) that those ladies did. We laughed at the secrets we knew and one of my friends always said she would black mail them for money. Although she was crazy enough to do it, thankfully she never did. Before I finished high school, I found I was pregnant and leaped to the front of the leader board in the gossip realm. That was rare in the mid eighties so you can rest assured...I was the hot topic. I was so ashamed that for several years, I walked in total shame and was left with no self worth or self esteem.People didn't not know me, but I certainly allowed their opinions to define me. I gave my heart to the Lord at nineteen and life began to change. It took many years for God to heal my broken places and teach me the proper way to respond and take a stand. I definitely found my voice and it has been a life long battle to tame it. However, little by little, God is still working on me. One thing I have learned is it is wrong to not speak up when the conviction to speak is there. And never again will I not speak up when I know something should be said. I have a voice and intend to use it. Not to argue but to speak my opinion, speak truth, and for goodness sake ...to take a stand. I do believe many people actually believe to keep peace is to remain silent even when you KNOW to do so is betraying your very soul. Winston Churchill once said,"You have enemies? Good. That means you stood up for something in your life." Just today I heard through the ever so faithful "Houston Grapevine" that I was very outspoken and had gotten on someones bad side because I stood up to them. Really?? Well, you know what..I am glad I have a spine and last time I checked, that was not a bad thing. And at least you know where I stand and I don't whisper behind your back or put on a mask for each group I am around. We as humans are so accustomed to wear a disguise for others that I wonder if we have become disguised even to ourselves. I have been called and accused of many things over the years and you know, more than half was not even true. However, if anyone ever wants my opinion or thoughts, oh please.... just ask! I am not sure if it started with my needy,insecure little friend in third grade or somewhere along the way, but this chick learned that if I had something to say, I had better say it! If not, I will be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to become a victim or accept any one's definition of your life...define it yourself! God gave us a voice for a reason and we are to use it wisely. I do not like to hear negative things said about me but those things no longer imprison me. The only way anyone can have power over me is if I let them. I will not conform because I think the majority will disagree with me. Remember, only dead fish swim downstream. I am not afraid to go against the flow if it is what I feel is the right thing to do. I have finally learned in my life that I would rather be disliked for being who I am than loved for someone I AM NOT! So now find your voice and speak up.Words can be used to build up or tear down...encourage or discourage...words are powerful and we each must be careful to use them wisely....But never , ever apologize for being who you are and heaven forbid ...having an opinion different from someone else!!! With that said I will close with the words of John Mason,"You were born an original. Don't die a copy."



That's all for now,
LO