Thursday, August 5, 2010

My Special Something

Well, I have not written in several days. My husband has been home for almost a week now with gout! Bless his heart he can't even walk. He feels every day that the next day he'll be ok only to wake up in severe pain!!!! (He always looks on the positive side) Well, maybe tomorrow will be his day. I know he is really ready to be better and get out of the house and do anything.....but, let this one fact not escape you friends....HE CAN"T BE MORE READY THAN ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol I love him but I am ready for the house back. He is a good patient,don't misunderstand. I really think I'm just a selfish, selfish woman! The week before school starts and I have a house full at all times. I can't clean, think, have any alone time....etc..you get the picture. The older I get the more I embrace my peculliarness! I must have a certain amount of alone time to function. I know many people that would rather do anything than be alone but not me!!! I am not one of those people. Never have been. When I was a child I could turn my little room into an entire apartment with an upstairs(the typewriter was step to bed-2nd floor) My closet was always my baby's room. I had little hideouts and plenty to keep me occupied. I loved to play with others ,and love to be with family and friends now, but there has always been something sacred about "my time". I have had seasons in my life when it was not possible to have that time as often as I would like , or shall I say it was not as much a priority. When our children were small , for instances, they were priority and certainly Hank is. I have always loved taking care of them and my little house. I really enjoy cleaning my house too!! Especially vacuuming!!! (However, I'm still in mourning over the death of my red , hot-rod , vacuum) Haven't had the same experience with the "Yugo" vac I've had to settle for at this time! Memories....those were the days. Oh, well, back to the point. Well , during the past several years, I had written a song or two but that was it. I had decided my creative days were done. I have a deep need to create and have not one ounce of ability to draw or NEEDLE WORK of any kind!!(got that from my mama) Love to cook but also feel I need to eat all my creations.(Just now getting rid of the pounds I packed on last winter learning to make caramel icing) So, I create with words....and anyone that knows me, know I have plenty of them!!! lol Well, I had some choices to make this past year as I begin realized life wasn't going just like I thought. HAD I NOT PRAYED ENOUGH OR GOOD ENOUGH??? The more I realized life certainly has no guarantees , the more I knew I could use the past for "life fuel" like I always have. In this case it was to spark the unique qualities God had placed inside me at the time He created me!! Do I think I am a great writer or an musician?? No!!!! However it sure tuns the grey in my life into an amazing spectrum of colors!! I sit here now listening to Josh Groban while I type. Now---he is amazing. He literally brings tears to my eyes and my soul is deeply touched when I hear him sing. My favorite is when I don't understand the language...that is true beauty!!!! That's the passion inside the depths of myself I never want to forget. I had one of my 'meltdowns' the other night. As I was sharing with Hank about how I have enjoyed blogging and the release of the information was remarkable. Music has been in the very fiber of my being for as long as I can remember. I am not the best and really don't care if I am, but I LOVE MUSIC!! Music took me away from the people and things I loved most in this world many years ago though. I used the gift for reasons that were never meant to be. I made it "mine". Gifts, true gifts , soul gifts, were meant to be freely shared and given back. Now, along the journey if you make money........Praise GOD!!! Can't think of anything better that using your natural God-given gifts to make a living! However, I pushed and shoved and planned and never even asked God if that may be a good idea or not. That was the main mistake.....HELLO LORI!!!! lol Well, after my rather lengthy field trip with God, I shut the music out of my life . For several years I didn't even sing. As healing began to take place, the music slowly returned. Years later, I wrote music and lyrics again....but as I told Hank, until now, the pause button has been on. See, each song I have ever loved, has a memory attached!!! The good, bad , and yes--the ugly! It has been a rush of emotions listening to the soundtrack of my life lately. And yes, watching it too in my mind. I know I have always felt everything so deeply. Few people understand that passion. Passion can be good or bad but those who have it know what I'm talking about. (just keep it in check) Finally, I understand that balance at 43. But the way I see it it's like someone that draws without passion is just a mechanical drawer. People can learn to do all sorts of things but some are seared in our very being. Well, I will probably never be published, famous, or known among any music or writer's circle, but my passion will never be stuffed in a little box again as long as I live. Part of me was missing. A huge part of me that makes me, me.So, I may not get to have alone time, even now, as often as I'd always like it, but I have to just unplug from my life now and then so I can hear the music in my heart-to create what has yet to be created---to just be. How wonderful to block off time to pour yourself into something so amazing that truly takes you to a place only you can understand. My husband loves me and I know would give his life for mine if he had to but, he can't fill that gap. No one can. Certainly, we each have a vacuum that is God sized and only He can fill, but this is something different. That little individual something that is just designed for you. I don't know what yours is but it has taken me a lifetime of hide and seek and not understanding how important it is to nurture mine! So, I'm winding up now to go take care of my dear husband that has no idea where I am ! (Bless him---he's about to get used to me I guess) and, home is where my heart is but I have a little part that belongs just to me---and I know now it is to share and freely share it! However, it is still mine..... Guess that is why God Himself placed it there! Ya think?

Well, that's all I know for now !!
LO

1 comment:

  1. Love the blog! You have made me laugh and tear up at the same time! You have a gift and please keep sharing....

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