Where the Magic Happens

Ever feel you are in a box and, try as you may, can't get out? Sometimes life just gets to me. (I know I have prayers going up right now because you are very worried I'm flipping out finally...calm down...not happening) But I at times , I go back and wonder what if..... Now, you all can act like you have never thought that way , and you go right on telling yourself that, OK. I am sure I'm the only one on the planet who has a mind that wanders around at times. ONCE AGAIN......I love my husband , so this has nothing to do with him...Well, actually, it has everything to do with him....read on! You know, before I married, I really never thought about it seriously.Now don't get me wrong, I was always "in love" with someone, but for real-ever love...not me!!! Had other plans! I always saw myself living in a city overlooking concrete-- Never EVER saw ME living on a farm!!! lol I always really dreamed of spending at least SOME of my life in New York. I will be the first to admit, had I not gotten married when I did,I may have ended up in jail or something. I have always told my Kati I really think she saved my life.(since she really was why we decided to marry at 17 and 18) I've shared with you before I had no clue what I would have done with my life but still...I wonder. I sometimes fear I will go through my entire life and miss that "thing" I was supposed to do or to create. I have a feeling deep inside there is something from within that I am overlooking. Have no idea how I may have missed it since all I've done the past 18 or so years is soul search what I had hidden in the corners of my heart. True, much of it needed to be thrown out, but was I so scared of every single box that I possibly threw it out in an attempt to not be challenged or to step out and use what had been a gift to me all along? Fear of the unknown or the lie that "well, if I love it, God must not want me to use it or have it". I talked to a young friend of mine this morning who is getting the chance to study next semester in Italy! How amazing.....life changing. How incredible to have such an opportunity while still in college! Well,I realize that we all have life changing moments EVEN IF we don't live in a big city or travel abroad to experience them. Actually, I'd venture to say, most of the things that change our life are right in our lives daily. I have been a hopeless romantic ALL MY LIFE!!!!!! Anyone that has ever heard any of my lyrics can testify to that. I have always said the words are in the music and , for me, that's true. I remember when my younger daughter was going through a devastating breakup and heard a piece of music I was working on...no words yet....and with tears in her eyes that little lady crawled in my lap and asked if that music could be hers. She heard the beauty, the love, and the words with her heart before the first one was even written. So,a few months later, Marykelli got her wish and it is named,"Bryan's Song". (One of my favorites if I do say so myself---and , Marykelli and Bryan are together but THAT IS AN AWESOME STORY FOR LATER!!!!!!) Let's just say for the record, she gave me tons of inspiration for many years. I say this because growing up, I lived for the day the magic happened. You know, those moments that you dream about. The things that "dreams are made of" and as my older daughter says, "color the walls of your heart". Well, the things I thought about love I realized to be just that , a thought. Well, I love the romance....LOVE IT........but that feeling ( that I LOVE) is not real love. The "magic moments" never came ,or did they? Hank sure didn't come in riding a white horse with shinning armor on.(And NO WAY I would have gotten on a horse anyway...lol) He did not write me love songs,(however has cranked out a few poems---hilarious ones) , bring me flowers every day (some...) , or shower me with jewels or any big gifts. However, he has been there through losing our babies, life threatening injuries with Walt, sending girls to college, moving them home again, broken engagements, marriage and a divorce and all the breakdowns I had in between each one! Lying in bed with Hank's hand on my head praying me to sleep every night for a solid year...that's love. Then all the laughter he has brought into my life...and he taught ME to laugh. Really, lighten up, and just laugh!!! Now,THAT is love! He makes me soooo mad some days. (Last night I was so mad I slept on couch) But, I sure do love him!!! Only God can give love like that! So, I have learned that the "magic" is with us every day.It's in the "better or worse" . Now, even though we have had alot of "worse" we have a bunch of "better". The grass grows fast ---and I'm thankful God gave me a yard boy so I never have to mow---( God gave all the yard work , flower growing love to my sister... I'm an indoor girl) But I am thankful to live in my little house with grass and never really wish to live in a city anymore.(OH BUT AM SO READY TO VISIT!!!) The magic is watching ...my son start high school and watching him play tennis and soccer, my daughter starting her first teaching job, working with my other daughter every day, watching my little Rivers do anything ( especially when she just has to come see her Lo ) and just sharing life and all it's ups and downs with a man that really loves me.Really loves me!! My mama said no one else would have had me !!!! THINK she was kidding- but not real sure!!! ha ha No, come to think of it, I am sure she meant that!!! Well, I am surrounded by life's "magic "every day. And, I am really convinced I will explode if I don't find the "thing" I know is there. Maybe it's what drives me to write these words now. Whatever it is, I'll find it and along the way, I don't plan on missing the "magic" of my life and I believe it happens if we are aware of it or not! And so what if I may have thrown out something in a 'box'--- I may have thrown it out because of fear or assuming it was the right thing to do.However, I do believe if I need it, it will be provided at just the time I need it! So, the next time I feel boxed in, I'll remind myself I kicked out of that long ago, and in reality, I don't really think I was in there for very long or if I really was ever in a box at all! That's the way I see it anyway.

That's all I know for now,
LO