Love Never Really Says Good-bye

As I shared last time, there are things that remain in our heart long after moments are gone. It's hard to believe but some carry them around for a lifetime. Why? Well, probably for many reasons. Maybe they were afraid to look because it may hurt-maybe they thought if they looked back, they could never go forward again. Yes, some memories are painful but ignoring them and never taking them out and looking at them just makes them old AND painful. I think of old photographs that have been neglected and yellowed with age.( maybe even brittle) Well, I think of memories as pictures we take with our heart. Left unremembered , good or bad....they just fall apart and are scattered fragments that blow aimlessly to fall where they may. Now, some are wonderful! You know, recalling the "back in the day" stories among former classmates, family memories of growing up, birth of children(and grandchildren),etc....You see what I mean. Today however(and I'm overjoyed I have words at 4:40 in the afternoon) I want to talk about something tender to my heart. Now let me put the disclaimer out now...this has NOTHING to do with the Lord and His mighty hand having power to heal and make someone whole!!! (Jehovah-Rapha---God who heals) I AM PROOF OF THAT!!!!!!!!!!! So please don't feel the need to send me a trail of scripture to prove the point....I know and AGREE 100% with you! Having said that let me get to the heart of what I am talking about. I was talking with a friend of mine that I hadn't heard from in years. We discussed kids, life, jobs....life catching up stuff. Being the nosey and hopeless romantic I am.....I asked the forbidden question people usually avoid. You know , about THE ONE that someone really loved but.....life happened. Well, true to my nature, you guessed it. I came right out and asked if this guy really thought he had had a real love for this for this young lady or looking back maybe wasn't that big of deal. I really felt the latter would be the answer it being that about 30 years had past. Well, the answer was not what I really expected...or was it? People don't realize how deeply a heart can be touched and sometimes, just sometimes, the fingerprints linger a lifetime. As I began listening, I realized this gentleman had made a life and although was divorced, had wonderful children he loved very much. Seemed very content with life and a peace that the Lord only can give. You could hear in his voice the pride he had for his children and his family and many times stated how that his children were his heart and life was worth it all because of them. No regrets! As we talked some more however, he drifted back in time. (I think the FBI should hire me for interrogating people because I can worm stuff out of others that seems to have been inside for years.) True , not everyone needs or wants to hear your stuff...but many times, people need to say things out loud. As I heard the words I could also hear his heart. My heart ached as he recanted his memory of a lady he had loved very much a long,long time ago. He said he had dated girls before but when he met her....everything clicked. He just knew there was none like her and no one ever "fit" him that way before.( sad thing that got me.. or since.) Oh, he functions fine and is a very well rounded human being but my point....that soul tie is there and always will be!It seemed to be a love that very few ever get the chance to experience. Certainly was not the reason his marriage ended after a few years, but even his wife didn't touch the place she had held long ago. The thing is that I have seen over and over again is when someone holds your heart, if you don't get it back, how can you ever really give it away to someone else.And when someone touches your soul...really touches your soul....there's no way you can ever really go back. Love like that only happens once in a lifetime. You know when you can look into someones eyes and truly see their soul it seems. Well this is what I was hearing... So long ago but still so real! Then he told me the things he'd loved the most about her and above all-- wanted her to be happy more than anything. In much confusion she had left him and married someone else. He described the last time he saw her and with an unassuming grace --- he let her go. He never spoke to her or saw her again . His love was too strong to try to change her mind or barge into her life because that is what love does. It just holds loosely....so there is freedom to leave or stay. He said he often , even on family vacations, wondered as he sat on the beach, if he just may happen to run into her. And what broke my heart were the words...."and a rare day goes by that I don't think of her." Oh, the tears just filled my eyes because my heart could not contain them any longer. Later he said as we said our goodbyes that it'd been about 30 years since he'd even shared that in any detail...but I'm glad he did. It shows me first of all how thankful I am that my younger daughter is with THE LOVE OF HER LIFE! She almost missed it...and I know that her eyes had something missing as long as he was not in her life. I also realize one person can't have a love that deep without feelings being shared....not that kind of love. The saddest realization is however that although God can make all things new and take our sorrow and pasts and make all things new ....sometimes, the ache remains. We Christians, myself for sure, think we know all the answers. This man had nothing to prove or to gain. He graciously answered a nosey lady's question and that was it. Lost loves , especially when there is no closure, just leaves a haunting ache. Sometimes circumstances of our on choosing --- or whatever the reason----some just live with the fact that there is someone they will always love and they will cherish the moments that they left behind for a lifetime. I seriously doubt, unlike Hollywood, that these two ever meet up again...but in the ocean of a heart...they have never been apart! My bet is....in hers either.

Well, I am sure there is much more I don't know about this paticular story and this time....but it's all I know about it... and it's enough to close out this entry with tears in my eyes.

Lo

Where Do You Place a Pile of Memories?

I have been itching to write all day so what do I do....wait until this late hour to let the words flow. I really think I am out of my mind sometime.(I know many are agreeing with me right now out there....shame on you!! lol) It just seems I have too much rolling around inside to process. I just wish I'd begin this gathering of thoughts and feelings at a decent hour just every now and then. Oh well, I've been taking in the early signs of fall with anticipation of what this season brings. First off, cooler temperatures. Then, football...(like the IDEA , not actual game) and just fall fun in general. You know, falling leaves, fall parties, pre holiday excitement...it's my favorite time of year. But, the change in season also brings to my mind a brand new batch of memories. I read a saying today in a store that said,"Cherish yesterday, dream tomorrow, live today". Some may take my recalling the past as living there. I beg to differ, it's in recalling yesterday that I can really , really live today. I remember some time ago almost suppressing every emotion I had because I felt it took me away from my focus on the Lord or what I should have my mind on. Anything else surely was wrong to think upon. I almost depleted my imagination , as well as any passion I had, with this thought process. How silly to try and talk yourself out of the way you feel. I think it's impossible. You feel what you feel...and that's a fact. Now certainly, we should not always act on these feelings but the ones I suppressed now seem imperative that I free up. I love my memories! I love them because they are attached to people and events that I enjoyed. This may be where the strange guilt came in. You see, not every memory was one that may be what we as adults think is "honorable" but fact is, I had fun growing up and it's true , I by far always did the right thing, but I loved with ALL my heart! Friends, family, life....pure love with nothing held back. Lately, I have been thinking about so many things. Things I haven't thought of in years. Things I had decided needed to be boxed up just because it should be put up. Well, I don't think so. It's time to look in some of these boxes. One of my favorite boxes is the "love" box. There are so many different types of love. Of course the agape love that we have in Jesus is the ultimate love...unconditional...perfect love. Then we have friendship love and romantic love. I have no idea how I'll word each of the boxes I'll open but there is so much inside me right now, I know in the days to come, I'll find the words. My heart can't contain the things that have grown stale while on the shelves of my heart any longer. I almost feel I've awaken a sleeping giant....and it feels good. You know, it's time I just unstack the pile of memories that have touched me the most, take a good long look at them, breath them in-- NEVER box them up again but maybe, just maybe-- they'll decorate the walls of my heart. These are the very things that have shaped and molded my life. (Or how someone else's life or "story" touched mine) Well, I have no idea who, if any or many, read this blog....but I hope this journey brings you to a place that you give yourself permission to wrap your memories around you because they have molded you in some way to be who you are today. If nothing else, I hope you enjoy and are touched by the ways mine, and others hearts, have touched mine. That's all for now.....BUT OH IS MORE COMING SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lo

Where the Magic Happens

Ever feel you are in a box and, try as you may, can't get out? Sometimes life just gets to me. (I know I have prayers going up right now because you are very worried I'm flipping out finally...calm down...not happening) But I at times , I go back and wonder what if..... Now, you all can act like you have never thought that way , and you go right on telling yourself that, OK. I am sure I'm the only one on the planet who has a mind that wanders around at times. ONCE AGAIN......I love my husband , so this has nothing to do with him...Well, actually, it has everything to do with him....read on! You know, before I married, I really never thought about it seriously.Now don't get me wrong, I was always "in love" with someone, but for real-ever love...not me!!! Had other plans! I always saw myself living in a city overlooking concrete-- Never EVER saw ME living on a farm!!! lol I always really dreamed of spending at least SOME of my life in New York. I will be the first to admit, had I not gotten married when I did,I may have ended up in jail or something. I have always told my Kati I really think she saved my life.(since she really was why we decided to marry at 17 and 18) I've shared with you before I had no clue what I would have done with my life but still...I wonder. I sometimes fear I will go through my entire life and miss that "thing" I was supposed to do or to create. I have a feeling deep inside there is something from within that I am overlooking. Have no idea how I may have missed it since all I've done the past 18 or so years is soul search what I had hidden in the corners of my heart. True, much of it needed to be thrown out, but was I so scared of every single box that I possibly threw it out in an attempt to not be challenged or to step out and use what had been a gift to me all along? Fear of the unknown or the lie that "well, if I love it, God must not want me to use it or have it". I talked to a young friend of mine this morning who is getting the chance to study next semester in Italy! How amazing.....life changing. How incredible to have such an opportunity while still in college! Well,I realize that we all have life changing moments EVEN IF we don't live in a big city or travel abroad to experience them. Actually, I'd venture to say, most of the things that change our life are right in our lives daily. I have been a hopeless romantic ALL MY LIFE!!!!!! Anyone that has ever heard any of my lyrics can testify to that. I have always said the words are in the music and , for me, that's true. I remember when my younger daughter was going through a devastating breakup and heard a piece of music I was working on...no words yet....and with tears in her eyes that little lady crawled in my lap and asked if that music could be hers. She heard the beauty, the love, and the words with her heart before the first one was even written. So,a few months later, Marykelli got her wish and it is named,"Bryan's Song". (One of my favorites if I do say so myself---and , Marykelli and Bryan are together but THAT IS AN AWESOME STORY FOR LATER!!!!!!) Let's just say for the record, she gave me tons of inspiration for many years. I say this because growing up, I lived for the day the magic happened. You know, those moments that you dream about. The things that "dreams are made of" and as my older daughter says, "color the walls of your heart". Well, the things I thought about love I realized to be just that , a thought. Well, I love the romance....LOVE IT........but that feeling ( that I LOVE) is not real love. The "magic moments" never came ,or did they? Hank sure didn't come in riding a white horse with shinning armor on.(And NO WAY I would have gotten on a horse anyway...lol) He did not write me love songs,(however has cranked out a few poems---hilarious ones) , bring me flowers every day (some...) , or shower me with jewels or any big gifts. However, he has been there through losing our babies, life threatening injuries with Walt, sending girls to college, moving them home again, broken engagements, marriage and a divorce and all the breakdowns I had in between each one! Lying in bed with Hank's hand on my head praying me to sleep every night for a solid year...that's love. Then all the laughter he has brought into my life...and he taught ME to laugh. Really, lighten up, and just laugh!!! Now,THAT is love! He makes me soooo mad some days. (Last night I was so mad I slept on couch) But, I sure do love him!!! Only God can give love like that! So, I have learned that the "magic" is with us every day.It's in the "better or worse" . Now, even though we have had alot of "worse" we have a bunch of "better". The grass grows fast ---and I'm thankful God gave me a yard boy so I never have to mow---( God gave all the yard work , flower growing love to my sister... I'm an indoor girl) But I am thankful to live in my little house with grass and never really wish to live in a city anymore.(OH BUT AM SO READY TO VISIT!!!) The magic is watching ...my son start high school and watching him play tennis and soccer, my daughter starting her first teaching job, working with my other daughter every day, watching my little Rivers do anything ( especially when she just has to come see her Lo ) and just sharing life and all it's ups and downs with a man that really loves me.Really loves me!! My mama said no one else would have had me !!!! THINK she was kidding- but not real sure!!! ha ha No, come to think of it, I am sure she meant that!!! Well, I am surrounded by life's "magic "every day. And, I am really convinced I will explode if I don't find the "thing" I know is there. Maybe it's what drives me to write these words now. Whatever it is, I'll find it and along the way, I don't plan on missing the "magic" of my life and I believe it happens if we are aware of it or not! And so what if I may have thrown out something in a 'box'--- I may have thrown it out because of fear or assuming it was the right thing to do.However, I do believe if I need it, it will be provided at just the time I need it! So, the next time I feel boxed in, I'll remind myself I kicked out of that long ago, and in reality, I don't really think I was in there for very long or if I really was ever in a box at all! That's the way I see it anyway.

That's all I know for now,
LO

High School Already?

My baby started high school this week! 9Th grader....time flies!!! Well, with his past track record, I am just thankful he's alive! So guess it's bittersweet! Only a few faces remain from 'back in the day' when I roamed those halls, and boy did I ROAM!!!! Don't know if it's scarier that a few teachers are still there or that a few of my old classmates are now teaching! Boy, it's seems like yesterday when I started my freshman year at old HHS!!! It's so ironic that approaching this new chapter in my son's life that my graduating class is planning our 25Th class reunion. Several of our girlfriends had a spend the night party at a friends house one weekend to celebrate our 20Th year. Fun weekend and, being true to form with our class being blessed with "luck", we had to be evacuated on that early Sunday morning in August of 2005 due to Hurricane Katrina! (We had fun though!!) We rehashed everything we had done in our years that we were the rulers of HHS! We laughed, ducked in shame, and just were also thankful we survived and were in a better place now. I must say though, we were very creative with our schemes we came up with then!And DID WE COME UP WITH SOME MASSIVE ONES!!!!! I don't have enough battery left on my laptop to go into them right now, but I will share some of them soon!!! (the fall feel in the air will give me plenty of inspiration I KNOW!!!) I just have been amazed in meeting with former classmates how different, yet similar still things are. We have all done so much changing over 25 years...come on.....ALL OF US!!! However, walk back among classmates, and time rewinds. Yep, like nothing ever changed , except our looks and figures. Most of us , hopefully, have changed in many ways for the better. But.... with former classmates, time seems to stand still in some ways. I have always tried to tell my 3 children that every choice they are making is who they are becoming and each will determine where they will end up. So true!! I also told the youth when I was youth director at our church that we live in a very small town and many could end up living here someday. Not only does a reputation stick, but you could end up someday in Wal Mart and look down the line and your face may turn three shades of red looking up and seeing someone, or some one's wife, you may have had a past with. Even if it was innocent...It's HOUSTON!!!!! EVERYTHING gets twisted here---in any small town for that matter. I personally know the struggles and battles I've been through to get this far in life just to stay married, enjoy my family, and just to be free!!! But, the class of '85 doesn't know that Lori. I was a totally different person!!!! I take very little junk from people the way I did long ago. Don't want to be rude, but you certainly know what's going on and where you stand with me. Always hated two faced, bossy, arrogant people.(And those that made fun of others.) Well, unfortunately, we are as adults still faced with these types of people but the beauty is now , we can choose to be around them or not. Back then, we were out of luck. Now there were precious few I didn't really like but only very very precious few that I truly loved!!! I talk alot and always have....but it's funny how people think because I talk alot, I tell them anything. (or that they really know me in any way) Oh I am in ways an open book but have few true heart friends that I consider a gift from God!! And I know this because I prayed for Him to send me them. I also realized He sent a few early on and He'd just been growing us up all along, together. I truly hope as Walt starts his journey through HHS that God too sends him some true heart friends that will remain in his life all the way to eternity. You know, those that know the real you, warts and all, and love you anyway and sometimes BECAUSE of that...those are the ones I pray for Walt, and my girls for that matter.(always have prayed that for all of them) I look forward to October when we all get together and reminisce about the memories and years we all shared together. I also hope that when we walk away, we see the uniqueness in each one represented...the individuality....who they are ....who we all are! I feel I spent many years having sight but not seeing much of anything. Now, I don't want to miss a single thing! How about you? We always see what we are looking for. In people we either see good or bad! I just want to see people-really see them and hear what they are saying even when they don't say anything...because not saying anything sometimes speak the loudest. Ya think? Well, that's my goal anyway.

That's all I know for now,

LO

My Special Something

Well, I have not written in several days. My husband has been home for almost a week now with gout! Bless his heart he can't even walk. He feels every day that the next day he'll be ok only to wake up in severe pain!!!! (He always looks on the positive side) Well, maybe tomorrow will be his day. I know he is really ready to be better and get out of the house and do anything.....but, let this one fact not escape you friends....HE CAN"T BE MORE READY THAN ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol I love him but I am ready for the house back. He is a good patient,don't misunderstand. I really think I'm just a selfish, selfish woman! The week before school starts and I have a house full at all times. I can't clean, think, have any alone time....etc..you get the picture. The older I get the more I embrace my peculliarness! I must have a certain amount of alone time to function. I know many people that would rather do anything than be alone but not me!!! I am not one of those people. Never have been. When I was a child I could turn my little room into an entire apartment with an upstairs(the typewriter was step to bed-2nd floor) My closet was always my baby's room. I had little hideouts and plenty to keep me occupied. I loved to play with others ,and love to be with family and friends now, but there has always been something sacred about "my time". I have had seasons in my life when it was not possible to have that time as often as I would like , or shall I say it was not as much a priority. When our children were small , for instances, they were priority and certainly Hank is. I have always loved taking care of them and my little house. I really enjoy cleaning my house too!! Especially vacuuming!!! (However, I'm still in mourning over the death of my red , hot-rod , vacuum) Haven't had the same experience with the "Yugo" vac I've had to settle for at this time! Memories....those were the days. Oh, well, back to the point. Well , during the past several years, I had written a song or two but that was it. I had decided my creative days were done. I have a deep need to create and have not one ounce of ability to draw or NEEDLE WORK of any kind!!(got that from my mama) Love to cook but also feel I need to eat all my creations.(Just now getting rid of the pounds I packed on last winter learning to make caramel icing) So, I create with words....and anyone that knows me, know I have plenty of them!!! lol Well, I had some choices to make this past year as I begin realized life wasn't going just like I thought. HAD I NOT PRAYED ENOUGH OR GOOD ENOUGH??? The more I realized life certainly has no guarantees , the more I knew I could use the past for "life fuel" like I always have. In this case it was to spark the unique qualities God had placed inside me at the time He created me!! Do I think I am a great writer or an musician?? No!!!! However it sure tuns the grey in my life into an amazing spectrum of colors!! I sit here now listening to Josh Groban while I type. Now---he is amazing. He literally brings tears to my eyes and my soul is deeply touched when I hear him sing. My favorite is when I don't understand the language...that is true beauty!!!! That's the passion inside the depths of myself I never want to forget. I had one of my 'meltdowns' the other night. As I was sharing with Hank about how I have enjoyed blogging and the release of the information was remarkable. Music has been in the very fiber of my being for as long as I can remember. I am not the best and really don't care if I am, but I LOVE MUSIC!! Music took me away from the people and things I loved most in this world many years ago though. I used the gift for reasons that were never meant to be. I made it "mine". Gifts, true gifts , soul gifts, were meant to be freely shared and given back. Now, along the journey if you make money........Praise GOD!!! Can't think of anything better that using your natural God-given gifts to make a living! However, I pushed and shoved and planned and never even asked God if that may be a good idea or not. That was the main mistake.....HELLO LORI!!!! lol Well, after my rather lengthy field trip with God, I shut the music out of my life . For several years I didn't even sing. As healing began to take place, the music slowly returned. Years later, I wrote music and lyrics again....but as I told Hank, until now, the pause button has been on. See, each song I have ever loved, has a memory attached!!! The good, bad , and yes--the ugly! It has been a rush of emotions listening to the soundtrack of my life lately. And yes, watching it too in my mind. I know I have always felt everything so deeply. Few people understand that passion. Passion can be good or bad but those who have it know what I'm talking about. (just keep it in check) Finally, I understand that balance at 43. But the way I see it it's like someone that draws without passion is just a mechanical drawer. People can learn to do all sorts of things but some are seared in our very being. Well, I will probably never be published, famous, or known among any music or writer's circle, but my passion will never be stuffed in a little box again as long as I live. Part of me was missing. A huge part of me that makes me, me.So, I may not get to have alone time, even now, as often as I'd always like it, but I have to just unplug from my life now and then so I can hear the music in my heart-to create what has yet to be created---to just be. How wonderful to block off time to pour yourself into something so amazing that truly takes you to a place only you can understand. My husband loves me and I know would give his life for mine if he had to but, he can't fill that gap. No one can. Certainly, we each have a vacuum that is God sized and only He can fill, but this is something different. That little individual something that is just designed for you. I don't know what yours is but it has taken me a lifetime of hide and seek and not understanding how important it is to nurture mine! So, I'm winding up now to go take care of my dear husband that has no idea where I am ! (Bless him---he's about to get used to me I guess) and, home is where my heart is but I have a little part that belongs just to me---and I know now it is to share and freely share it! However, it is still mine..... Guess that is why God Himself placed it there! Ya think?

Well, that's all I know for now !!
LO