You Don't Know the Cost....But God Does

I am often perplexed at the people that presume to think they know me. It is a known fact that if you spend any length of time with me, you will probably hear about something from my life. If you spend a little more time, you will hear even more. You see, for many years, I spent my life in a prison that I created. The walls were made of secrets and lies I had allowed to take me captive. I was in my private little hell for more years than I care to remember. Did I wake up one day and choose that life? Of course not...no one ever chooses to live in hell--they just stumble upon it. Actually, it was almost as if I were lured there. For years, I lived life however I wanted and on 'my' terms!! Of course, I was a child and lacked any sort of discernment or focus for my life. My parents laid the groundwork out and made sure I was in church, school, and had my needs met.(bless them--I wore them out) However, in every life, we each make our own choices. Mine, well, I will just say it took quite a few 'field trips' for God to get my attention. At this time, I will not go into all the details of the life choices that led me to the deep , dark, debilitating depression I suffered, but know I learned all too well about consequences to sin choices. What started as little choices while growing up in middle school and high school (as I often shared with the youth when I worked with them at our church) determined the direction my life would take. AND DID IT EVER!! One by one, each choice led right into the other....like dominoes stacked side by side and at the touch of a hand---they all..fall..down. After getting married at 17, having my girls at 18 and 20...let's just say by age 25, I had a sort of break down. I was exhausted by life and even though I had become a Christian at 19, God loved me enough to teach me by way of the 'field trip' method! In other words, the hard way!!! (I did not ‘feel’ God’s love nor did I ‘feel’ Him near..but that sure did NOT mean He was not there!!!)Even though He knew that meant falling right on my face... I learned that "He'll Do Whatever it Takes" for His message to get through to his children—and He sure will do it!!Let me stop right here and say that I 'joined' our church at 9 years of age , but I did not except Jesus as my Savior and was not born again until age 19. Boy, I almost never got the preacher that was there at that time to baptize me and to make the 'church people' understand that- contrary to what the discipline of the denomination said or wherever they got their rules from- I was just now born again. Although I was only 19...I knew I had gone from sin soaked to filled with the Holy Spirit….And NO ONE could make me budge on that!!! I am not knocking anyone's church...but that was what the Holy Spirit led me to do...so-I did! As I hungered for the word , I later discovered all of the answers to what I was experiencing in the scriptures -which blew my mind even further when I also read that God writes His word upon our hearts!!!!(before I even read those Biblical truths, God had written them on the walls of my heart) Well, being so in love with the Lord it took that crafty devil no time to find my weaknesses. Being a baby Christian, I was wide open for an enemy attack! Well, He used many things to distract and tempt me. Remember, He always appears as an angel of light....never saw him coming--I had so many kinks in my armor. My main downfall, was getting out of God's word and not focusing on Him. So...without going into all the details, let me just say that not only did I fall--let's say--crashed!!! At 25, I wanted to die.(death would have been welcomed) I confided in our pastor who was there at that time. There were so many secrets that had tormented me for years. I was trying soooo hard to remember how to hear God,to feel God, for Him to love me, to find the light I had known, begging for direction... My biggest fear was that if anyone knew all my secrets…. they would never love me again. How could God even love me...I turned my back on the most awesome love I had ever known, and walked away to do my thing....isn't that unforgivable? I could certainly not tell Hank. I had betrayed him most of all...I was in HELL and little did I know, it would get worse before it got better.(and I walked right into it) Did I not deserve this? Well, as I read in scripture searching frantically, I was pretty sure scripture was pointing toward confession to my Father in heaven AND my husband. But the silence kept me in prison. So...surely I thought I could trust this new preacher we had and he would give me answers from God’s word. I was paralyzed with fear as the words finally came out of my mouth and then… down came his slam on the desk with a loud “NO!” with his finger pointed in my face. He proceeded to tell me that was not Biblical and only selfish on my part for wanting to tell Hank these things I had kept from him. I was humiliated and broken even more. He never opened his Bible, nor did he pray with me… nothing...just talk-talk-talk. If I wanted someone to tell me their opinion, I could have gone to just about anyone. I needed a pastor, a shepherd…I needed someone to tell me the truth…GOD’S TRUTH! Looking back, it was all just empty chatter. (Actually, he confirmed what I had already feared. I now know….that was not the voice of my Lord!!!) Oh, many in our church thought he was the most wonderful preacher, but I begin that very day to see a totally different man than many did. (I now realize that many of those people just wanted their ears tickled. But I needed REAL healing and a REAL Christian counselor!) He fooled many, but when plum lined with scripture, He was clearly a wolf in sheep's clothing. Any old Joe can be popular—entertain--- and even be very much liked…. but a ‘friend’ is not what a hurting and lost world needs…this world, people, and yes ME TOO…. we are all in desperate need of a preacher. Finally, he was asked to leave our church. A friend of mine later confessed he had shared --in a very degrading way --- the things I had shared in confidence with him that day. Thank goodness I had the courage to continue searching for help. Please understand…it was about survival at this point. I HAD to have Jesus…His presence….the oneness I had known before…I had to have it back, or I really knew I could not survive! It was now my lifeline…my oxygen. I finally found a lady that was a Christian counselor in Tupelo that loved Jesus and, did not only use her Bible, but lived by it and loved by it! That began my healing journey. She showed me scripture after scripture and God chiseled it onto my heart. I eventually shared all my dark secrets with my husband and family members and THAT was when God began blowing our minds as a miraculous healing began in my heart and in our marriage! Looking back, it still amazes me at how detailed He is in everything!
However, I now share all this for a reason. The time between living in silent hell and finding a Christian I could trust and that helped save my life lasted the span of four years!! Four LONG YEARS!!! I very well remember driving around many nights after my husband and little girls had gone to bed…just riding and riding by houses of people I loved and I knew they loved me and they loved Jesus but mostly… I KNEW Jesus loved them!! No one- unless you have been there- can imagine the lonely, dark, pit of despair I was in. It is by the grace of God I didn't take my own life. I was a mess and never dreamed God could ever love me, or heaven's sake use me AND redeem my past!?!? Although every day I would search the Psalms over and over... I especially camped out in Psalm 51. I just wonder how many times I prayed,"restore unto me the joy of thy salvation ...and I will teach transgressors Thy ways"??Then I would also pray from Joel, "restore the years the locust had eaten" I plead daily for my life to be restored...to be in God's presence, to hear His voice. The way He had before, straight from His word...but...until I let go of myself...it did not happen. And when I did...it did not happen immediately. It took years of counseling and truly I had to renew my mind with God's word. In the book I am writing, this is all covered and a little more detailed. [Some may say that is 'ruining my reputation' or airing dirty laundry but I think it is called overcoming by the 'word of my testimony' as it clearly states in Revelation] Not all are called to share, but I know the Lord has called me to. If not for any other purpose but to help another poor soul in prison find hope in the Lord while trapped in their own silent hell. So I may tell them..."GOD LOVES YOU!" Keep on...HE WILL lead you to the place of healing!!! He is Jehovah Rapha...The God who Heals!!! Amen!! The greatest blessing was the freedom to be transparent and being totally free! I learned so many lessons on the importance of communicating...keeping short accounts with God and others....never get too far from my Shepherd...and so many more. Almost twenty years have gone by now , but I never want to forget those dark years and the lessons I learned there. Oh, believe me..I have had dark moments since but it's not the same kind of darkness. I no longer dwell there, nor am I lost in it. The past few years have been some of the darkest moments I, and my family, have faced in some time. I have felt as if I were in a dark room walking with my arms in front of me...just reaching out in faith. There have been times when I could hardly breathe the pain hurt so badly. It seems it has been one major blow after the other and unfortunately, in almost all the situations, it has not seemed possible to communicate and talk through issues with the others involved ---even though I tried--it was just not going to happen. Now, I don't know what new lessons God has for me to learn exactly during these heart wrenching trials, but I hope I learn soon because it tough and my soul aches and is weary. However, I remember the past lessons...His promises that I firmly stand on now! "He will never leave me or forsake me"..." For if the Son shall make me free...I am free indeed!!" ..."Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ"... I breathe His word in and out and although there is great strength in His Word... my heart aches over the people I have known all my life believing the worst about me and don't even bother to ask me if it is even true or not. This leads me back to my first sentence. I am often perplexed and the people that think they know me. See, if they REALLY knew me...they would know that when you have been where I have been, there is NO WAY I would do ANYTHING to ever risk not hearing God's voice again. I sing a song that I refer as my ‘heart song’~~"Alabaster Box". If anyone has ever heard me share my story and then heard me sing this song...you can't help but know that I mean every ounce of what I am singing. "You don't know the cost of the oil, in my Alabaster Box"...You know, only God REALLY knows, but then again, that's really the one that matters! I guess it hurts because since my past was redeemed from the pit, I have prayed that others would see Him in my life....and to think I have not been that witness breaks my heart. I do think that taking a stand , by the Word of God, is always the right thing...but I can only do what I am asked to do, and God will take care of the rest."We must obey God rather than men." If the Holy Spirit guides it is always according to the scriptures and NEVER contrary to them. For now, I must trust God to see me through this storm and this time, I WILL NOT take my eyes off of him! And although people may doubt and speak out of their ignorance because they choose to see, hear, and believe what they wish to ...just know, I would so much rather my name be in good standing in the streets of heaven than the streets of my hometown...or in this case, sadly, my home church. It just doesn't add up that I would, throughout my Christian walk, be honest with others and tell my husband , and those closest to me, the hard truths about my life, then lie or not be honest with much less significant things. I may be a lot of things,because I can assure you God still has much work to do in me, but I am not a liar, nor am I the type to not tell you straight out what's in my heart. Well, you see, that's my struggle and where I must let go. Sometimes it seems holding on and trying to make things right is what makes us strong, but sometimes, it is in letting go that gives us our strength. I will close with the rest of the song~~~~ "You weren't there, the night Jesus found me, you did not feel what I felt, when He put His loving arms around me...and You don't know the cost, of the oil, no...you don't know the cost of my praise...you don't know the cost of the oil, in my Alabaster Box.."~~~~ I love you, Lord. Thank you for loving me through the darkness of the night time of my soul and help anyone that may read this now that may be struggling in their own darkness. I pray they receive the strength they need… That they may have hope and faith. Send them people into their lives they can trust and who will love them unconditionally, the way You love, Lord. Show them your marvelous light!! I thank you for hearing my prayer then-- and now. I love you and I ask this in Jesus name, Amen

The Gospel According to Birdie

"We love you,Conrad, oh yes we do, we love you , Conrad, and we'll be true..." I wonder just how long it will take to get that song out of my mind, soul, and spirit?I must admit, I am feeling my age!!! The past five weeks have completely wiped me out! Our community theatre just finished the production of "Bye Bye Birdie"--start to finish in FIVE weeks. WOW! That was quite and undertaking for us all! The teens and adults all just jumped in as a team and it all came together beautifully. Oh..we all had our moments but everything was ironed out by the time the curtain was drawn on the first performance. The adults were great! I reconnected with old friends, and was blessed at the new friends that I made!I absolutely fell head over heels in love with all of the teens that were in the play! I am so impressed with the talent that roams through the halls in the Houston Middle and High School!Our director, Janet Coker, is the real trooper though!! She had to be exhausted at all the drama that went on in the process leading up to this event , but she handled it like a pro with pure grace and dignity, and we were all stronger as a whole for it. Her encouragement also went a long way!! Not to boost our ego but to walk with us, listen to us, and help us figure out how we could work together to make 'our' play better. I personally was way out of my comfort zone. Oh, the songs didn't bother me, or the lines, and it didn't even bother me that I had to somehow pull off being Spanish.(I look sooo NOT Spanish...Irish maybe...Spainish...ahh-not a chance) No, I had to dress in a sexy dress , sing with a Spanish accent , and DANCE.....in a BAR! I know , it's acting...but you can't fake sexy....or dancing!!! Oh, in high school, I was always placed in the back line during cheerleader dances. I have never been a dancer and have been perfectly ok with that..but now...I had to in front of my friends and family. I could feel the entire cast cheering me on as I began the"Spanish Rose" number. Friday, I pulled it off without a hitch!!In my heart, I could feel my fellow cast members with me. I had made a deal with Nolen Hood, who played Conrad Birdie and was not comfortable with his Elvis moves any more than I was my Latino moves. I told him if I could go out in that little black dress and dance and sing(IN A BAR) that he could shake his leg and move his hips! AND HE DID!! Todd , who was my love interest Albert Peterson, and I messed up one song every single time in rehearsal. We actually nailed it at the performance and as soon as the curtain closed....we were all doing major high fives and hugging and doing the happy dance until the curtain re-opened. From notes in songs our friends mastered(like my new friend that stole my heart..Agnes Williams'Mae Peterson' did)to dances,lines, props,etc....you get the picture... We had bonded as a group and were in this together and needed each other. Five weeks and we were so protective of one another and wanted to help, support, and cheer one another on. As I said, we had our moments...but in the end....we were a team. How ironic that during these five weeks, there were so many other things in so many of our lives that were also changing. God has always had me where He wanted me at just the right time because had I not been busy with this play, I fear I would have gotten too involved in some matters I really didn't need to be involved in. In saying that, I also noticed how like a community we were and the lessons we could learn from our 'Birdie Time'. Things like supporting one another and truly being happy for anothers well being. Encouraging one anothers strengths and being mindful of their weaknesses. As I said, the talent the teens possess is extraordinary but Molly May, who is a sophomore at Houston High School is phenomenal!!! She has a rare talent that is truly a gift from God. When she sings, it is as if everyone just stops whatever they may be doing or thinking just to listen. As talented as this young lady is, she could not do the entire play alone. She needed us as well as we needed her and together....we were able to complete the play. We each knew that some may have more parts than another, but each person was needed in order to be complete. Also, as it is often with groups, feelings get hurt. Sometimes intentional, sometimes not, and at times just because people were pushed to far. That is when Janet would ride in on her white horse for an intervention. As a good leader will do, many times, no one even realized she was intervening for them.(to keep peace) As I have stepped back from the play back into reality...I realize how similar life is to being at our play practices and how many lessons we could take away from it.We have a script to learn---PERIOD! We are not to re-write it, just learn it and do what it says. I don't have enough lifetime to explain Dr. Newall to you. He was music director and most of the fires that were put out...he started...But he was a stickler for staying true to the script and musical score.(Even if it meant I danced with a briefcase...oh, yeah..I had to go there) Saying this, by sticking to the script, there was no question of what to do. At times, especially when many teens are in the mix, not to mention many different adult personalities, troubles arise. The number one problem are people hurting each other. I have often quoted my girl, Beth Moore, "Hurt people, hurt people". When this would happen, our fearless leader would go to that person- talk things-out and once again- we would go forward. It helped that our dear Mr. Macafee was played by Brother Randy Rhineheart who is one of the most godly preachers I have ever known. He was always being a man after God's own heart and was quick to encourage, pray, or be His servant in any way he could. He was a pure blessing to us all! I had a mini-breakdown a time or two but I knew I had made a commitment and had to keep going. I just have to parallel this to our Christian walk. How many ways does God have to prove that His 'Script' (HIS WORD) is not to be tampered with or altered. We are not to pick and choose which parts we want to obey or even hear for that matter.[and woe to the ones who use it as a form of manipulation]And when we have ANY problem with one another- scripture clearly teaches us to go to one another...Right then...don't even let sun go down on anger. Just like the young people in the play getting upset because so-in-so is upset because so-in-so said--- oh my word---say what you will about them but adults are exactly the same way. Scripture says come as little children but I know this is NOT what it meant. How happy Satan is when he sees a group of believers so busy bickering and back biting that none are about God's business. I for one am exhausted!!!I don't know why people wonder why some never want come to church...gee, they may see and hear the behavior Christians have in everyday life. People can do every mission known to man and men may approve but it's all about the heart. That's what God sees.When will we realize that we need one another. We were never meant to BE the play...but A PART of it. That's the body of Christ is it not? I know I have to always check my motives and pray for a clean heart(PS.51) because scripture clearly shows me without God's mercy and grace...I am worthless.(a filthy rag)I know that I make mistakes every single day of my life but one thing I have no problem with is communication. I worked at a church for 7 years and believe me it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do IN MY LIFE! I was talked about , behind my back, for years. Although I knew who it was and usually what was said...I knew God had led me to do or not to do the very things that were talked about.(and I am not saying the things I heard through the grapevine weren't ligament concerns) What I wouldn't have given for those to come to ME and share concerns and talk it out instead of discussing it with everyone else. I now realize that some must prefer strife. Some like to be in the middle of a drama more than anything else I do believe.My heart for one has been broken over and over and over by the church,by people, and just by life in general.We ALL have. But God is a healer..Jehovah Rapha--"God Who Heals" AMEN!!! I praise God He has grown me up knowing the local church is not "the" church and our churches are all flawed.(ALL OF THEM)However, our churches sure are a reflection to our community, to the unsaved and for those who don't have a church home, to the hurting, and is really a family in many ways.(well, it has been to me anyway) In my family..we talk everything out. Hank and I celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary March 2 and we learned the hardest way possible over the years just how important it is to be honest NO MATTER WHAT...talk EVERYTHING out...and most of all...LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. Funny but I seem to assume I should apply that to all situations since that is what God's word says. Many times in my home , working with the youth at church,and most recently play practice, I witnessed what happens when a teen is confronted about something they have said,done, or anything they may be in question about...they get into defensive mode and blame everyone else. Sounds familiar doesn't it?I know that Satan is the author of confusion and only God's pure light can shine through the darkness.What do roaches do when a light is turned on in their darkness? SCRAM! Sin always wants to scram too. Guilty people seldom want to sit and talk but as Christians, I feel we shouldn't go for the purpose of condemning BUT for the purpose of mending. Things like anger and resentment tucked inside someone and kept quiet just grows like fungus in the dark.(spreads and attacks your body like cancer) And gossip is often totally a warped version of some truth.I think we all need to be about spreading the gospel rather than spreading gossip. Satan divides...God multiplies..which are you doing? Yes, as busy as I was....life was much easier going ninety to nothing during play practices and now that it's over...I have a heavy burden for my church family and that is literally breaking my heart. I don't know what you may be going through at this time but whatever it is-take Jesus by the hand and just get to the heart of the matter. In Him, there is always ,ALWAYS peace!(we have so much junk in the way we often forfeit true peace though)This is reality...THIS IS NOT PLAY PRACTICE---THIS IS LIFE!! However, I made a commitment long ago...about 24 years ago to be exact...to Jesus. To love Him, honor Him, follow and hide his Word in my heart that I may not sin against Him. Now, I can't fix all the problems around me...but I can be open, honest, and obedient to the things He places before me. I can be the best I can be which apart from Jesus , is pretty much, well actually, is absolutely nothing.All I can give Him is me. May my new song be.."I love you, Jesus, oh yes I do, I love you, Jesus, and I'll be true..." Now that is one song I never ever want to get out of my mind, soul, or spirit.

That's all I have the energy for right now,
LO

My Passion Revealed

One of my dreams has always been to write a novel. That is hilarious considering I am the worst speller on the planet and have no real clue how to actually go about anything past the writing. So...with that mindset, I have put it off. I kept downplaying it and telling myself it was silly to even consider and wasnt' even sure what to write. Right now my time is consumed literally with our community theatre production of "Bye Bye Birdie". The first act had to be learned in a week and a half which also I have three songs in that act to learn as well. I am loving it but my time is actually none. I can't believe I am even blogging but A BOOK??? NOW??? Although I have not one clue how to even format,(and certainly am clueless as to getting it published), I do believe the most important thing is the content..AND BOY DO I HAVE THAT! I really picked up my pen and couldn't stop.I decided to go old school and write it out. Then, I will use my lap top to tweak,perfect, and re-write-but for now, I just have to get the story out. It's been inside too long. Although I feel even as a type this, it has much still to be written that I have not yet realized that is even inside me. In a way, it is still a mystery to where it will go,or how it will end for that matter. Whatever the outcome I am so excited to finally have this project underway.I laughed and shared with someone if they were afraid they may end up in the book ...they should be. I think anyone who has had a deep,deep place in my life ---and I mean in my entire life---you can bet you are in there. Some more than others but those who were , and are, deep inside my heart and impacted my life in someway, YOU are in there. I am certain the names will be changed but you will know. Yes, "YOU"! Actually I began what I'll call the first chapter listening to "Puff the Magic Dragon" which was my favorite song at four years old. I listened to it OVER and OVER! I remember Bit, my black mama that kept me everyday, begging me to turn it off.(I would have spanked my tail but she says out of keeping my mama and Kathy- I was the only one she never spanked...that sure explains alot) However, she got creative and would tell me my little blue record player was so tired and needed a rest. Now I knew she was making that up but eventually I'd get my 'music fix' and turn it off. I have no memories of not being totally consumed with music. I have always had such a passion inside that sometimes I still don't understand. I am sure none of us have everything figured out which makes me feel better. The passion for music was, and is, the same I feel about being in love. I really have never been able to separate the two. It has taken me a lifetime to realize, they were not meant to be separated. I love the fact that throughout each part of my life I have at least one,sometimes two, songs I have written to go along with it. Instant soundtrack! It really sends chills all over me when I think of that! Although it may be years before I am truly done, I am going to close with the preface of my untitled book. I WELCOME any feedback!!!
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It seems my entire life I have been researching for the book I would someday write.Actually, the words have been lying dormant for years,but I havent' had the courage to put them on paper. I know part of writing is mixed with a measure of truth ,and the rule of thumb is to always write about what you know. What do I know...what do I know? I am one of those unusual people who can seem to recall every detail of my life. As far back as I remember I have had one desire, and one desire only. Well, technically it is actually two but to separate the two is like trying to separate an exhale from an inhale. One without the other would certainly bring about death. A breath must have the function of both to keep the body alive. My desire in life has the same function.For that would be love and music. How in this world do I make this comparison you may ask? That , my friend, is what I want to convey in these pages...my very heart...and my very soul.There is a longing inside me, an ache almost. All I know is that if I don't share this story, my life will have been incomplete and lacking in some way.Some stories are meant to be shared, and I truly feel this is one of them.
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That's all for now,
LO

You Want Me to What???

Wow!!! This community theatre production rehearsal for "Bye Bye Birdie" is hard work but it's fun-fun-fun!!! These kids are amazing! In high school when we did anything we always had the chorus class period to practice and DID WE EVER!!! Polly Hunter Hardin(Grimes now) worked our tails off! And we were really good-- if I say so myself!!! However saying that, I can't believe the talent these young people have at HHS that do not even have a choral class offered them!!! In one week these teens have learned what it took at least a month for us to learn--- and then some!! WOW!!!!! I am most impressed! I remember David Pettigrew, our musical hero, always rising to the occasion at hand. Of course, he was our 'Conrad Birdie' and was fabulous!!! (Well, Noel Hood is going to give him a run for his money!) lol We had such fun during our practices. I have often said the only reason I went to school was for chorus and our productions. (maybe some truth in that) Anyway, we would get out for days during our plays. It was always a large project! The weeks prior the cast would do promotional spots on the local radio station and would promote at school as well. For example the week before "Bye Bye Birdie", we wore HUGE paper buttons that we made that said 'We Love You Conrad"! We would preform the entire program for the elementary school, Thursday was the middle school performance, and Friday was the high school's turn.(that was always toughest) Friday night was for the public. Later when Ms.Polly married our principal, Mr. GRIMES-- I realized how she got away with so many performances! HA HA just kidding.Although she was great, and Mr. Grimes was also..., we had a fruitcake for a superintendent!!! It is a miracle we got to do anything at all!! But we most certainly did! We did many musicals and tons of talent shows! It saddens me our children don't have the option for chorus at school anymore. What's even sadder is that they really had not taken advantage of it when they had it in the latter years. It seemed to have dwindled down to nothing before it was discontinued. That is so sad!!! So many scholarships lost...so many people never realizing their potential because they were never allowed the chance or opportunity to even be creative! How bored I would have been going to school now. Yeah, I was cheerleader and all that...but all that mattered to me was the music! As I listen to the young people practicing for this program..I am blown away at the raw talent! True, some have been well trained but the talent was born in them!!! I am very hard to impress but real talent--true God-given talent---is my favorite thing to witness! I am, as Daisy Mae said in Lil Abner, "Past my Prime" but am thrilled to be in the midst of young, fresh talent. And although I have been long past wanting -or shall I say enjoying --to be around teen-aged kids and the attitude that comes with it....I must say these young people seem to want to do this and it makes all the difference!! I know my mama(and daddy) would have skinned me alive if I had had the attitude , unfortunately, many kids have today. I have been snubbed by many for whatever reasons why!!(silly but sad) However, Janet Coker has done well this year because I truly enjoy this group! I really think I am too old to learn so many lines and me....spanish?....lol. ME, dance?...well, it is called acting so we'll see. I just am thankful for the chance to be a part of something again that brings back so many wonderful memories. Better yet, an opportunity to create so many new ones. Thanks, Janet, for making an avenue for the young and older to once again stretch our creative muscles and believing in us!!!! You are the best!!!

It's A Mystery

I do believe I have downloaded a European server on my computer! I have special skills like that. I have fallen in total love with a piece of music that I could only purchase on Amazon.com for $100 at the least...so I found a website that I could download it for free and jumped on that! Oh me...entirely new toolbar and on it is the degrees for some distant land as of 3 am...(17A F) What's up with that? My dear friend ,Mike Childs, laughed at me when I got my first computer and told him I was afraid I'd kill it until he came down and realized my computer was so slow because I had contacted over 700 viruses!!! He had underestimated my abilities for sure. It's a gift! However, I do believe I'd download this foreign website again because this music--- I am in awe! Ludovico Einaudi is the artist I am so enthralled with at the moment. He arranged this beautiful work I am listening to at this very moment. It is the most beautiful and unusual I have heard in some time. It gets deep inside my soul and just infiltrates my senses. If you don't know what I am talking about, the only comparison I can make is to when you first fall in love. I know love is not just a feeling but in the beginning...it better be! I am just completely captivated buy this haunting melody and use of chord progressions.Brilliant! You know, this is the very thing that I will never understand about myself. Left unchecked...could be very dangerous I assume.(I know) It's the mystery that captivates me when I get lost in music. It really takes me to a place that literally takes my breath and tears fill my eyes while emotions fill my soul...no words...just music... but heard everything this composer intended to share as he has poured into this masterpiece. Oh...if this could be bottled and sold on a shelf...someone would make a fortune! I actually heard it in the movie remake of Dr. Zhivago. The original movie was filmed in the 1960's ,I believe. Although I'll admit, I never watched it ...it could never be as good as the remake with Hans Matheson and Keira Knightly that was filmed in 2002. The story was the saddest ever but the music alone was worth the watch. (The 1960's music was hokey to me.) This however...oh me. The story of Yury and Lara... I have no words.The title of the piece I am listening to now is called 'The Mystery of Love'. (Did I mention it is beautiful??) At the beginning Yury Zhivago, who is a doctor of medicine and avid poet, posses the question to his friends if they think there is one person in this world that holds the key to the unlocked places of a persons heart.Well...I know the real answer is yes...(Jesus)....but we all know he meant a romantic love of a persons life. My friend, if artists and musicians didn't have this mysterious way to ponder life ...every beautiful thing ever written would be non existent.Even most of the Psalms. King David...I know he'd get this blog!(can't wait to meet him someday) And yes...his passion unchecked got him into trouble. The same great passion but it must be held accountable or it will lead to darkness. This has been the hardest thing to understand in my life. In my early years it was impossible to understand, and I learned many hard lessons. I have never really understood why God created this inside me and placed me in a small town in Mississippi. lol I love my life very much but will admit it's hard to relate to others sometime. What I wouldn't give to be content with the same routine every day!!! Most of the time I fit in just fine...but sometimes I really feel the fact that I will always struggle of some level. I feel ,and always have, like a square peg trying to force myself into a circle.It's never going to happen ,and I am finally at a point in my life that I get that and am ok with that. If others aren't ok with that or don't get it, or me,...well, I really don't care. God does.! Maybe someday I understand this soul-stirring gift and just what I am supposed to do with it. For now, I embrace it and just write it out or I will surely explode. However, I also am aware I may never know or understand this....but that's ok too. For many years thought it must be from the enemy ....but it's just who I am and last time I checked, Psalm 139 said "I am fearfully and wonderfully made". So, I just realize God gave this gift to me and just remember to allow Him to continue to be in control of my life and then all will, or will not, be revealed...His call! If you are reading this, you may be scratching your head thinking , "What is she talking about?"...but for those that 'get it'....you know.... you know....

Lo

My Very Own Christmas Carol

I am baking Christmas goodies…again! Smells of cinnamon fill my little house as I sit here on my computer in the glow of my Christmas tree!! I have loved Christmas since I was a little girl. I remember having my own little Christmas tree in my room with small wrapped items (I already had) for my baby dolls.(we had our own Christmas in my little world in my room) Memories come with every turn it seems. It starts the minute I take out the very first decoration. Ahh…there it is…the ornament I got when Kati was born. At 18 years old, who would have ever thought I’d have had the sense to take care of it and it still be in tact after 25 years!!And there is Marykelli’s Popsicle stick Rudolph ornament she made in kindergarten… and Walt’s Veggie Tale ornament that he loved and his soccer ball ornaments collection. (got one every year for awhile there I believe) Then I see the box with all the kids drawings I have saved since they had motor skills.(and yes…I still hang every one of them up) Then..pictures with Santa, every little decoration that I can ASSURE you has a story behind it, and so on and so forth!!! It’s truly like it’s all fresh and brand new each year as if I have never seen it all before…and yes, I tear up just looking at them! Then there is the music!! Nothing at all, as you know well, makes me recall a memory like a song!!! I love them all. “Hark the Herald” is my favorite hymn …although I love each one!! Then there is “Mary Did You Know” --“Welcome to our World”. … “The Christmas Song” “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”…the list is endless!! Sitting here now however, my heart drifts back to my ‘Christmas Pasts’. I can remember my grandmother and granddaddy’s silver Christmas tree with blue Christmas balls on it as if it were yesterday. My mother was an only child so that made Kathy and I the only grandchildren. Kathy was 5 years older than me and that made me “the baby”…and I milked it for all it was worth! (Alright…I still love being the baby..I admit it!!) I can close my eyes and still see the candles on her buffet that my Mamaw put out each year. One of them was a big candle , and I believe there were elves on a couple of candles as well. The feeling in that little house was soooo cozy. You know, the kind you can feel all around you like a warm blanket. They had a special gift of always making everyone feel welcome and always showered family and friends with love and were known for their great hospitality.(AND FOOD!!)Every Christmas we’d sit around the table FULL of food and every year my granddaddy would ask “Wonder what the poor folks are eating?” Later, we’d be asked if we’d seen Merry. We’d say, “Merry who?” to his reply.. “Merry Christmas!” Oh, to sit in their house around that heater in that den again… or smell, better yet taste, her chocolate pie.(HER DRESSING or anything my Mamaw had made) Mostly, I just wish I could just talk to them, hug them, LISTEN to them…really, really listen to them. Then , of course , I have tons and tons of my immediate family memories growing up as well. That Kathy!! She NEVER EVER woke up with me on Christmas morning with me. Well, maybe when I was tiny, but my memory vaguely recalls it. Lol Bless her…I would wake up about 5am!! I would be bouncing off the walls!! Then, I would run to her room and tell her everything she had gotten. Still , nothing!!! She slept so late…still blows my mind how she slept so long on CHRISTMAS MORNING!! I always was totally enthralled with everything I had gotten! I remember well my 5th grade Christmas. I had gotten everything I’d asked for and was surprised with a tape recorder of my very own. (Everyone else’s nightmare ---that would later be discovered) I also got the record “Hey Deanie” by Shawn Cassidy. LOVED IT!!! Now, anyone that really, really knows me knows I get stuck on a song, and it will be played over and over and over until I am sick of it!! So..yes, even at 10 years old, I did this. So early on Christmas morning, I recorded that song onto a cassette that accompanied us the rest of the day. Often, our family would go to my Aunt Bessie’s in Columbus which we did that year. As I said, mama was an only child but boy did she have extended family! Aunt Bessie’s daughter, Bobbie, had always been just like her sister so we usually spent most every holiday with them. Bobbie was married to Van and it was heaven for me to go stay with them. However, I had a little too much imagination and way too much energy for Bobbie at times. That Christmas, I am pretty sure she hid my tape recorder for a little while. I know she looked at me in exhaustion and asked me… “Do you ever get tired?” At that age, the answer was “never!”That was also the first year I actually got to sit in a chair without sitting on top of catalogs to reach the table. Believe it or not, I remember what I even wore that day. Actually, I encountered a strange coincidence this morning. We are having a family Christmas dinner at our church tomorrow night and as tradition goes, I will sing “The Christmas Song” again this year.(It is a standard request every year) Anyway, I was looking for the accompaniment tape and found a cassette that looked strangely familiar but very old. Come to find out, it was something I recorded years ago on that very Christmas on little tape player. (It’s a miracle Bobbie didn’t pull the tape out) Kathy and I were messing around singing and acting like the silly little girls we were. (Although she was 15 when I was 10…we could always connect on some level) Then, of course, the playing of Christmas songs by my mama. I love to hear her play and that started long ago!!! Oddly, one of my very favorite songs to sing was “Christmas in Kalarney” which is an Irish Christmas song. I have never heard it anywhere but my mama’s house at Christmas and I like it that way. (It’s our special song) Many, many memories standing around the piano singing song after song with her. So many memories…then…Kathy and I grew up and had 3 prissy girls!!(Walt came years later) They took up with the entertainment and ran with it! Kati, our bossy firstborn, came up with Christmas productions. Hands down, all our favorite was the Christmas program in the barn. Kati was in the 2nd grade, Marykelli was in 1st grade (with no 2 front teeth), and Kirbi was in K5! Aunt Tot, however, was about 70. I remember vividly the day Kati handed me a list for the grocery store and Wal Mart. Hank was summonsed to cut down a Christmas tree but only the girls and Aunt Tot were allowed in the playhouse at the barn. The list included ingredients for the menu I was to prepare for the guests they were to invite. Wassail, snack food, pecan pie….then the Wal Mart list..red and green decorative beads , pipe cleaners, paint, and sweatshirts!! I was at least informed on some level about the secret service being planned since I had to do some labor.(And was the financial backer of this production) It touched my heart to watch them plan. Well, Kati plan and dictate but it was well received. lol With the beads and pipe cleaners, we all sat in the floor and made Christmas wreath ornaments. They were soon whisked away to the barn. The sweatshirts…well I did get to design them. Kati and Marykelli’s hands were painted green and red and then placed on white sweatshirts. (Each unique to the receiver) Theirs simply said Merry Christmas! Mine said, Merry Christmas Mommy! Others were for Aunt Tot(of course) Nana and Mawmaw. We were to all wear them at the performance..and we did!!!Christmas Eve before our candlelight service at our church, the guests began to arrive into the little barn. Every family member on both sides were invited and then some others as well. Each of us crammed tightly inside the little barn! As we waited for the program to begin it hit me…. These little angels were about to share a gift with us we’d never forget. Tears filled my eyes as I saw the little decorated tree for the first time. Popcorn string, paper ornaments, and there were the wreaths we made together in the den. Then, it began…. Silent Night, Away in a Manger, Jolly Old St Nicholas (with motions) were all preformed. Then in closing, Aunt Tot said a sweet prayer for the little girls and thanked God for Jesus. Then, Kati in true form, took over and invited all to the house for refreshments and asked for each guest to take an ornament from the tree as a special gift. I still hang that wreath on my tree each year and thanks to modern technology, watch that program over as well because it’s on video!!!I was correct, that gift is one of the greatest, by far , I have ever been given…a gift from the pure heart of children…a gift of love. Then years later, God sent Mr. Walt to our little family! Then, a new world opened up to us. Life through the eyes of a little boy!! Well, even though he didn’t have a sidekick like Kati and Marykelli had, he had/has his daddy, Hank…which was the best side kick he could ask for. Now this little man of mine has loved Christmas as well as anyone. He loves every second as much as anyone of us. He loves family and friends to be in and out and in and out. We really can’t remember our house not being grand central station at Christmas. People know I always have a pot of coffee, spiced tea and hot chocolate are always ready at a moments notice, and Christmas cookies and candy are a given. Everyone and anyone are welcome at anytime!! As time has passed, things and the faces have changed. Kati was married and blessed us with Rivers! WOW!!! Fun gal!!! I have never been one for change but guess what????Life happens and it changes daily!! Now, Kati and Rivers live next door and all my babies are on the hill again!!! So…sitting in the glow of my tree I ask myself…what will it be like next year? Marykelli is engaged and getting married within a few months. Kati, well, I just know this very well may be the last year for her and Miss Rivers to be on the hill also. As much as it breaks my heart, Hank and I always tried to show and teach our children how to live so they could fly someday. I just didn’t expect to feel this way. You know, I have had babies and noise around me since I was 18. Walt has never known any holiday, or life for that matter, without being surrounded by women bossing him.(How will he ever survive..they’ve done everything for him too) We have always been sooo close!!! So knowing this Christmas will be the last Christmas we’re all together like this is tender to my mother’s heart. One thing I do know, we are all extremely close, so I know that will not change. But I sure will miss them. God knew I needed friends. I prayed for best girlfriends all the time after I got married. I really longed for Christian women friends. …and that God….He allowed me to give birth to the best two I’ll ever have! WHAT A GIFT!!!! So, thinking back to Christmas pasts, being aware to drink deeply of each blessing this Christmas and enjoying each new memory we make, make me see the Christmas future with joy! GREAT JOY!! True, Christmas has changed over the years for me. Each year God has given me wisdom to understand what change means and shows me in each circumstance to embrace and treasure always! What will next year be like??I have no idea, but Jesus will still be the reason for the season and that should remain 365 days a year. Many loved ones have passed on, and yes, some will move, but memories warm my heart and still wrap around me like a blanket from all those years ago in my grandparents house. That’s love! Maybe I just noticed it more, as a child ,at holidays…but the love was always there. It’s the same love I have experienced in my adult home all these years and it’s the same love that will remain!!! And you know what…the exact same love that will continue to create many wonderful memories in the future. The love of Jesus! Just like the gift of love I experienced from my childhood…and the gift of love my little girls gave us that night in the barn…God gave us one much more special..The PERFECT GIFT of LOVE!! And yes, through the innocent love only a child can give! But the gift of Jesus was perfect love..spotless…blameless…pure love!! Now that gift He gave us in a barn that first Christmas was the one that truly keeps giving! The real miracle didn’t happen on 34th Street…it happened in Bethlehem over 2,000 years ago! John 3:17 says “For God did not send His Son into the world that He might judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.” Now, that’s the gift. So true…with our traditions we celebrate in our own way… It may seem strange to some or even pointless to some…but oh-- the true joy that is in our hearts at Christmastime…is the joy only He brings! The message “For unto us is born this day in the city of David a Savior which is Christ the Lord” is still the heart of Christmas. Charles Dickens once said “A Christmas family party! We know of nothing in nature more delightful!” How true…traditions are rooted in such love..that sure echo the first Christmas to me…LOVE! Billy Graham even said once that the first essential for a happy home is love. For the poor souls that just don’t get it…Christmas is much much more than a time to spend money and eat! If I may quote one of my spiritual heroes, Corrie ten Boom “When I think of Christmas Eves, Christmas feasts, Christmas songs, and Christmas stories, I know it was not a short time and transient gladness, It was-and is-a joy unspeakable and full of glory!!” I whole heartily agree! So after the 25th of December has passed, the treasured memories will remain forever and ever…but most importantly…Jesus remains! Share His love this season and throughout the entire year. Christmas is not really a day of year now is it..it’s actually a condition of a heart!! Renew yours by celebrating and worshiping Jesus this season. No one can truly worship God and remain unchanged!!! Receive the gift of Jesus, renew your gift of Jesus, and most of all share your gift of Jesus! Merry Christmas my dear , dear and special friends! Go enjoy your “Christmas Present”…because God Himself holds “Christmas Future” in His hands! I close with Charles Dickens “ God bless us, everyone!”

Merry Christmas,
LO

Now Where Did That Jesus Go?

Decorating for Christmas is just what I do the day after Thanksgiving. (or should I say…begin the day after Thanksgiving.) There is not enough money in this world I could save or someone could pay, for that matter, to make me shop the sales on that day. I have bad enough road rage and sometimes have issues with rude fast food workers—so the last thing I need to do is be in a wild, mad crowd fighting over Christmas gifts!!!(fighting for Christmas gifts…sounds crazy but it’s true) That just makes my chest tighten up thinking about it. Nope…NO BIG CROWDS for this chick! However, I really am glad the rest of my family have enjoyed this tradition because I have to be alone to create my Christmas “art” from year to year. Lol I remember the early years of my married life when we just put up a tree and possibly a few decorations on a table. I always had a Christmas towel and few red and green items blended in my kitchen décor as well. Somewhere along the way…my imagination grew bigger and bigger and I lost my mind!! Now, everything gets taken down, boxed up, and gets a very good cleaning and then….CHRISTMAS COMES TO THE HARRINGTON HOME!!! My daughter Kati just laughs at me and says she’ll never do all this. Although she, and all my kids, love the decorated “Christmas cottage”…they know for days I am more nuts than usual. Everything, even pictures, are taken off the walls in den and kitchen and replaced with Christmas ones. I look and tweak and re-arrange until every room in the house is to my perfection. Then, I tweak it seems until Christmas Eve. I just love it!! Don’t get impressed, these are not some vogue decorations. I have been collecting and buying for years. Red and green baby…no color theme for me!!!(does help that I have a green den and red kitchen though) Traditional all the way!! My kids have created things over the years , and I saved each one of them and still put them out each year. A few items have a staple spot each year but for the most part,it is always a new surprise. I just love it! One of the things that has the same home each Christmas season is my crystal holy family my nephew gave me years ago when he was in my elementary children’s choir at our church. (He’s now a doctor of education and is married with a little girl but I have always treasured that gift) Each year it is placed on a small shelf near the front door. From it hangs a lovely crystal cross that one of my very best friends gave me years ago. Above the shelf is a frame with a poem I wrote entitled “The Star”. On the frame is a crystal star that I hot glued on to enhance the effect and make it all tie in together. The strangest thing started happening about 3 years ago however. Every day or so, I would lose baby Jesus. Now as we all know, that is the entire point …Jesus. So the fact that He was missing was very noticeable. A few things that really puzzled me is that it was glass-did it break, who’d pick it up and move it,(Rivers was a tiny , tiny baby then or she’d been the number one suspect) and if it just fell off then where in this little house did it go?? I looked for the entire day inside cushions, under the furniture , in the greenery ---it was hopeless. I had no clue where it could be. Then, I decided that someone must have just broken it and threw it away and had forgotten to tell me. So, later, I walked out the front door and guess what I found on the front porch? Yep! Baby Jesus! I was confused on how he ended up there but was soooo happy. I placed him back with Mary and Joseph and went on my way. A few days later, it happened again…then again…and again. I just don’t know he kept getting on the front porch but it became very entertaining to me. Well, the next year, I went to put the little crystal holy family out and Mary had been beheaded during the unpacking or at some point during the year. This was not good..not good at all. I think everyone would notice if Mary had no head so I began looking. Miraculously, I found her head and hot glued it on.( I do pretty good work if I do say so myself with my hot glue gun) It fell off a few times, but I kept the glue gun handy, and it worked. We only found Jesus had slipped off a few times that year. Same place…front porch. I know…that’s just strange. Well, this year there was my poem, the cross, and Jesus, but no sign of Mary and Joseph. ANYWHERE!! (Not even a head or anything) So, I thought I would place everything else and come back and decide what to do with that later. Two days later when everything was finished I sat back to admire my work. How cozy and Christmasy everything looked! Perfect. Then- I saw it. My wall with my star poem, the cross below and baby Jesus..all alone. Of course greenery but no Mary and no Joseph. My first thought was how sad it was because my Matthew had given it to me. My second thought—well, I’ll keep Jesus but replace Mary and Joseph. Now, finding a crystal holy family like that may be easier said than done. Sure enough, I looked at Fred’s , Dollar General, and another local dollar store in town –but no luck. I had decided I bet I could find one at the Dollar Tree in Tupelo. I had remembered seeing one a few weeks back and smiling because mine is so special to me. Now…I’d just have to wait until a trip to Tupelo was on my to do list and would be sure to check on it then. So days have passed. I was touching up and adding to a few things in the house last night and for some reason my gaze went back to baby Jesus. Then…it hit me!!! How appropriate He have a place of His on to be displayed. After all, the star shown on HIM as HE lay in the manger and the cross beneath my lovely display…praise HIM…for dying on that cross for all our sin. He came from heaven to earth to show us THE WAY….Him! So…there is no way I am replacing or looking for a new holy family. I think it is as it should be…Jesus…simply Jesus. My prayer is that will be the theme for myself and my entire family this year—just simply Jesus. In all the excitement of the holidays and festive events--- Christmas caroling, programs at church, family, Miss Rivers , family gatherings, friends, shopping, wrapping, and all the wonderful things I enjoy doing –I pray with all my heart I truly keep Christ in my heart the entire time. Not just during the holiday season but every day after. I wrote a Christmas song many years ago that spoke of this very thing. We open packages and make a mess every single Christmas morning , and I have heard many say the saddest day is the day after Christmas. May it never be!! In the song I remind each of us that Jesus is the only gift we can share, yet we get to keep. Actually, we grow in Him each time we share the good news about Him as well. Wow!! Now, if we focus on Jesus and give Him the place of honor He deserves our December 26 will also be full of joy!!!Jesus isn’t to be packed up with the decorations nor is our joy we sing about coming to the world. While we’re giving gifts, let’s each remember to share the gift, the true gift that keeps on giving…Jesus. As the last line in my Christmas song says, “He said ‘Go Tell it on the Mountain’—my Son is born today.” See, Christmas Day should just recharge our batteries so we can go tell on the mountains we’ve been given. We remember Him as a baby --being born at Christmas –lying in the manger -- Truth is, He grew up, died for our sin, and sits at the right hand of GOD!!! And someday…He’s coming back to get all His children!!! Now that’s what we need to celebrate in our hearts—Jesus. All of Him. Not just a part of Him! Don’t get me wrong…I LOVE EVERYTHING about Christmas…but I certainly don’t won’t to forget to love Jesus during this time of hustle and bustle. So…this starts a new tradition for me. Jesus has His special place all His own in my décor this year and from now own. And when I pack up this year…He’s going in the china cabinet! I really want to take care of Him, so I’ll be sure I pay special attention and keep an eye on Him all year. After all…isn’t that what we are supposed to do… Keep our eyes on Jesus!!! I know from experience when I take my eyes off Him for very long…I lose sight of Him. My prayer is He’ll overwhelm each of us this holiday season with His glory!!! Until later….

LO