Ch-Ch-Changes

All my life I have wondered why menopause was called "The Change". However, now that I am in it...change is an understatement! Looking back -I realize just how much of a "change" has occurred. For example, I remember making people stand outside or not even going to the door if my house was messy.The change...now watch your step so you don't trip over something in the floor! lol I still keep a clean house but actually could care less if it is messy or less than perfect when someone comes over. You know what...we LIVE here people. It is not a museum , and I am not Martha Stewart. Along the same lines, I used to cook supper at least 5 nights a week and now, maybe 5 times a month. Well, maybe a bit more than that but not much more. Our family has changed and rather than continue a pattern that seemed almost sinful to change, I was killing myself to 'keep up the pace' so...scratch! Then, there is my ALMOST animal love. lol Anyone that really knows me is laughing right now. I AM NOT THAT LADY that has a little dog love or love for any animal for that matter. In my 'change of life' however, I have a heart for dogs! Just last week, my daughter was given a chocolate lab puppy from one of her second grade students. (Sweet little thing)I love this puppy! Kati brought him to Rivers T ball game last week and he was shivering. I picked him up and snuggled him to my heart and patted his back. Then I put him inside my jacket and zipped it up!! The look on Kati's face was priceless! She asked,"where is my mama and what have you done with her?"! I also agreed to feed and allow our stray dog [I will call her DP for short....how she got her name is a whole other story;)] to actually live. I have grown to really like her and lucky me....she had puppies. Of course, she lives on fertile hill, what were we thinking?? You must know that although I never have killed ANY pet we have ever had, the many we have had have all died. Mostly hit by a car but once --one got into rat poison.Mike Childs believes to this day I planned that. Everyone questioned me heavily about that one but I did NOT do that!(never would) However ,two of my kids brought home white mice from a festival once , and I watched Hank let them go as our cat, Cat Harrington, chased them away into the pasture!! I must confess, I was quite fond of Cat Harrington. Cat minded his own business, kept critters away,expected(nor wanted)any affection, and ate all our leftovers. Sadly, after years of partnership, he moved down the street when I stopped cooking as much. The lady down the street makes some killer homemade biscuits! Oh well.... One of the pet stories I am most known for is the time I was dog sitting for our youth minister at that time and his family. It was a Dalmatian dog and those little boys love their pet, Purdy.Clearly, they 'knew not what they were doing' when they asked us to keep him but...oh well!! A few days into the dog's sentence and BAM...hit by a car!!! I really hated that dog but felt bad for the family. Especially when I received a post card in the mail from the little ones, three and six years old to Purdy! Oh well, no one ever asked me to dog sit again! Now...back to menopause!!!! Of course, there are also the physical changes to contend with as well. The hot flashes alone are ridiculous!I wonder if you can die of internal combustion during one such episode?(Almost certain someone else might someday--JK) I used to wear flannel shirts buttoned to my neck to bed at night! lol I have really always worn pants and a short or long sleeve shirt or something to keep me warm because my house is always around 69 or 70 degrees at night! Now, I wear those half little spaghetti strap nighties and kick the cover off and on and on and off ALL NIGHT LONG!! I do believe though, hands down, the beard is the most atrocious!!! Come on God, do we really have to grow a beard?? Oh me, this all stinks and I hear it last for MANY ,MANY years!! After all these years, Hank picked a strange time in my life to buy me a gun!! Ya think? Well, these are all real changes that are clearly new to me but the one that is the most profound to me is the realization that I truly don't give a rip what anyone thinks of me anymore. It is very unlike me and freeing at the same time. I remember my sister telling me once that people had it wrong about PMS. It was not that ladies are in a bad mood once a month it is more like they don't really care because they have no tolerance left.Well to me, menopause is like PMS on crack!!! I have noticed that I really have been trying to make sure everyone understood everything and motive I have ever had. If someone was offended by me or mistook anything I did or said, I felt awful.I would not rest until all was well in any conflict or misunderstanding. Oh, sure, I did say things sharp and hurt others with my tone, look, or words, but many , many times I did not. I remember marrying into Hank's family and wondering how I would ever make it in his family. Everyone was totally different from me. They all were always so nice and agreed with each other. I was not awful, just completely different from them and definitely did have an opinion on ALL things! I began to think something was wrong with me and so began my journey to "fix" me. I have always, always loved and greatly admired Donna, my sister in law. From the time I started dating Hank until present she has made me feel nothing but loved. (As still does!) She has a quiet and gentle spirit and is loved by almost everyone that knows her. My brilliant plan was to be like her. LOL That is so funny!! She is so quiet...I AM LOUD...she is kind...I am blunt...she is reserved ....I am animated...you see where this is headed! I really thought I would explode. I finally learned over the years I could only be me, and no one else! Unfortunately, that was not always accepted kindly. You know, people would rather you not have an opinion ,have a different way of seeing something, and certainly if your feelings have been hurt...say nothing. Also, many are under the impression that keeping peace means ignoring everything and that being indifferent is ok. Really??? Well, my hormones have altered , and with that came a brand new take on life. I really no longer care what someone may think of me. I said that in younger years but deep inside, I cared very much! Now, I really can say I don't. Now understand me, I never want to set out to hurt ANYONE. I would never just be mean to BE MEAN or say things to hurt someone just because! That is not who I am nor will ever be! My heart does belong to the Lord and there is no way that is ever ok. I know we are to treat others as we would like to be treated and to love others as we love ourselves. However, something that is drastically different is my view on it all! My entire life has been about making sure, or trying to make sure, everyone is ok with me. Even if that meant allowing things that really were not mine to own or something I created---I still at all cost wanted to suck it up and smooth things over. The thought of having a bad rapport with someone made me sick and my life was not ok if all was not ok in my world. Now, I know as Christians, we are to be at peace with others as far as we can help it. We are all in agreement there BUT to be the dumping ground and always assume I am to blame was wrong as well. This has been more or less an internal thing I have always struggled with. Now, it is just a way of life. I always thought I must be the one wrong in every conflict. If someone excluded me in conversation, planning of events, or in any way- have mercy- criticized me etc...I automatically thought it was because I was less than or had done something to offend them or they did not think I was worthy! Some of this was resolved as I matured but some was just my nature and BOY DID THAT CHANGE! I now understand..I am who I am period. Take it or leave it. I am no longer an appeaser by nature. Winston Churchill once said,"An appeaser is one who feeds the crocodile hoping it will eat him last." Bottom line, if someone screws over everyone else he will eventually screw you over as well!! I can not, nor should I do one thing to 'win' over anyone. If God intended me to be otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. So..I will never apologize for showing emotion, or lack thereof. For in doing so ,I am apologizing for the truth! So now, whether it's right or wrong, I no longer really care. Life is too short. In my book of quotes there is one I love from Julia Roberts that says,"You don't have to wonder if I like someone or not...believe me, you will know it." I like that. I like it because for so long I lived my life under the terms that no matter what...I always have to be nice and smile and go out of my way to be kind to someone even if they have hurt me, or whatever. Treating others with respect and going out of my way to be nice are not the same to me anymore. If someone has talked about me behind my back, been rude to me, etc... I now react differently. I am agreeing with Julia on that one from now on. I am staying true to myself..like it or not! Another quote I love is "He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." Well, no more for me, thank you. I have some amazing friends and family that simply love me and I them...simply put--because they are who they are. Nothing can change or take away from that. I have been in the making of my life since birth and don't see anything on the horizon altering my personality. However, my reaction is altered forever. So if I have gotten my fill of life situations, people, and other issues and no longer willingly participate in every former activity...just know there has been a "change" in my life. Although often cast in a negative light, I almost welcome it as a breath of fresh air!! Good-bye to the mendacity in life! Indifference--so long! Appeasing others ego is no longer a pastime of mine --even though I never realized by always caring what everyone was thinking or if someone was upset with me that that is just what I was doing! So if this is "The Change" that is attached to menopause ...I welcome it with open arms! I am free! Free...at last!

That's all I know for now,
LO

Speak Now...Don't Forever Hold Your Peace (you may explode)

I am one of those fortunate,or unfortunate, people who remembers almost everything. I actually was looking at old photos last week of my birthday party when I was four and remembered what was in the gift before me.(purple zip-up bag I put my dance shoes in from Melinda Turner--now Kopp) I remember details about things that most people would never remember. It sure would have been nice if I could have remembered things such as historical dates, math facts(especially in geometry), and punctuation rules,etc...you get the idea. I also, even now, can quote off any number and birthday of most anyone I happened to be friends with in school. I even remember the numbers of my mama's phone numbers she had hanging by the phone in her kitchen. It is crazy the memories and details I remember. Maybe everyone does but not in my family. They have always been amazed that I could recall most every event and at times , even the date. I kept a diary all through middle school so if I wrote it down and dated it...I remember. For example, January 4, 1980 , Karen Craig took our Jr. High MYF to see the movie "1941". On October 29, 1979...I had my official boyfriend. On and on and on I could go. You see, each memory is somehow stitched into the very fiber of who I am and has made me who I am today. Although it is wonderful to remember, I can feel each memory as if it were yesterday. There is one memory that is as vivid today as if it just happened yesterday. I was in the third grade and Mrs. Ruth Couch was my teacher. I loved her(and still do) and happened to be her across the street neighbor. Well, I had a best friend that year too. We had so much fun and stayed at each others house , talked on the phone, and just seemed to be inseparable. But, even at eight years old, I had to have my space! I also wanted more than one friend,and it was becoming clear that she was not the type to share friends and was very possessive of me. As an adult, I see clearly how insecure this friend of mine was but at that young age, I wrote a note (in yellow marker)telling her I did not want to be her only friend anymore and we could not be best friends. Oh my word...she cried and carried on so that it confused me and I just left her alone. Then she wrote back on the note,"I am going to tell Mrs. Couch on you." To that I replied,"Mrs. Couch can't do anything about that.She will not make me be your friend if I don't want to...that's my choice." Well, she tore the note up and threw it away. Finally, the bell rang and we went to English--Mrs.Martha Carol Ellard's room. Whew! I was so glad to be out of homeroom when all of the sudden Mrs. Ellard asked me to the front only to lead me to the hall where Mrs. Couch stood holding the torn pieces of the letter written in yellow magic marker. I felt so bad and I knew by that look I was about to feel worse. I loved Mrs. Couch and did not want her to think bad of me and yet that look told me she was not too happy at the moment. She proceeded to read bits and pieces of the note back to me. The words were lost in translation as she got only a portion of the meaning. From her assessment she thought it was saying,"Mrs.Couch won't do anything to me." She assumed I thought because we were neighbors and our families were friends ,I thought I would receive special treatment. All I meant was if I had hit my friend or really done anything to her-then, my teacher could punish me but because I didn't want to have a best friend...that was my call...But do you know now what I did???? NOTHING! I stood there with tears in my eyes and never opened my mouth to explain what I meant.I knew in my young heart what I meant and that was not it! That day was the first time I remember letting others put words in my mouth by assuming they understood my motives. I was a child and she was my teacher.There was no way I was opening my mouth to explain anything. So, I said yes ma'am and cried and went back to class. A pattern was formed from there I believe. Oh don't get me wrong, I have always had a lot of spirit, energy, and boy can I talk, but was never very good at talking up for myself. As I got older,it began coming out as anger because I never learned to express anything inside.The times throughout middle and high school that I needed to speak up, I didn't. God was looking out for me even then and sent me my Anna, my bodyguard. Just let someone in her earshot give me grief...lol I still call her my bodyguard to this day. My mother was a teacher in the school system and my daddy was in politics , so I always tried to show respect at least in attitude. Thankfully, I had many friends and not a ton of conflict but as I got older, it effected me a little more. This little town I live in has always had its little town ways. Every one of my friends and I had been the department store and social club 'topic' more than once. The funny thing was that even though we were teens, we probably knew way more about the lives of the ladies that gossiped about us (from hanging out at the Country Club Pro Shop) that those ladies did. We laughed at the secrets we knew and one of my friends always said she would black mail them for money. Although she was crazy enough to do it, thankfully she never did. Before I finished high school, I found I was pregnant and leaped to the front of the leader board in the gossip realm. That was rare in the mid eighties so you can rest assured...I was the hot topic. I was so ashamed that for several years, I walked in total shame and was left with no self worth or self esteem.People didn't not know me, but I certainly allowed their opinions to define me. I gave my heart to the Lord at nineteen and life began to change. It took many years for God to heal my broken places and teach me the proper way to respond and take a stand. I definitely found my voice and it has been a life long battle to tame it. However, little by little, God is still working on me. One thing I have learned is it is wrong to not speak up when the conviction to speak is there. And never again will I not speak up when I know something should be said. I have a voice and intend to use it. Not to argue but to speak my opinion, speak truth, and for goodness sake ...to take a stand. I do believe many people actually believe to keep peace is to remain silent even when you KNOW to do so is betraying your very soul. Winston Churchill once said,"You have enemies? Good. That means you stood up for something in your life." Just today I heard through the ever so faithful "Houston Grapevine" that I was very outspoken and had gotten on someones bad side because I stood up to them. Really?? Well, you know what..I am glad I have a spine and last time I checked, that was not a bad thing. And at least you know where I stand and I don't whisper behind your back or put on a mask for each group I am around. We as humans are so accustomed to wear a disguise for others that I wonder if we have become disguised even to ourselves. I have been called and accused of many things over the years and you know, more than half was not even true. However, if anyone ever wants my opinion or thoughts, oh please.... just ask! I am not sure if it started with my needy,insecure little friend in third grade or somewhere along the way, but this chick learned that if I had something to say, I had better say it! If not, I will be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to become a victim or accept any one's definition of your life...define it yourself! God gave us a voice for a reason and we are to use it wisely. I do not like to hear negative things said about me but those things no longer imprison me. The only way anyone can have power over me is if I let them. I will not conform because I think the majority will disagree with me. Remember, only dead fish swim downstream. I am not afraid to go against the flow if it is what I feel is the right thing to do. I have finally learned in my life that I would rather be disliked for being who I am than loved for someone I AM NOT! So now find your voice and speak up.Words can be used to build up or tear down...encourage or discourage...words are powerful and we each must be careful to use them wisely....But never , ever apologize for being who you are and heaven forbid ...having an opinion different from someone else!!! With that said I will close with the words of John Mason,"You were born an original. Don't die a copy."



That's all for now,
LO