You Don't Know the Cost....But God Does

I am often perplexed at the people that presume to think they know me. It is a known fact that if you spend any length of time with me, you will probably hear about something from my life. If you spend a little more time, you will hear even more. You see, for many years, I spent my life in a prison that I created. The walls were made of secrets and lies I had allowed to take me captive. I was in my private little hell for more years than I care to remember. Did I wake up one day and choose that life? Of course not...no one ever chooses to live in hell--they just stumble upon it. Actually, it was almost as if I were lured there. For years, I lived life however I wanted and on 'my' terms!! Of course, I was a child and lacked any sort of discernment or focus for my life. My parents laid the groundwork out and made sure I was in church, school, and had my needs met.(bless them--I wore them out) However, in every life, we each make our own choices. Mine, well, I will just say it took quite a few 'field trips' for God to get my attention. At this time, I will not go into all the details of the life choices that led me to the deep , dark, debilitating depression I suffered, but know I learned all too well about consequences to sin choices. What started as little choices while growing up in middle school and high school (as I often shared with the youth when I worked with them at our church) determined the direction my life would take. AND DID IT EVER!! One by one, each choice led right into the other....like dominoes stacked side by side and at the touch of a hand---they all..fall..down. After getting married at 17, having my girls at 18 and 20...let's just say by age 25, I had a sort of break down. I was exhausted by life and even though I had become a Christian at 19, God loved me enough to teach me by way of the 'field trip' method! In other words, the hard way!!! (I did not ‘feel’ God’s love nor did I ‘feel’ Him near..but that sure did NOT mean He was not there!!!)Even though He knew that meant falling right on my face... I learned that "He'll Do Whatever it Takes" for His message to get through to his children—and He sure will do it!!Let me stop right here and say that I 'joined' our church at 9 years of age , but I did not except Jesus as my Savior and was not born again until age 19. Boy, I almost never got the preacher that was there at that time to baptize me and to make the 'church people' understand that- contrary to what the discipline of the denomination said or wherever they got their rules from- I was just now born again. Although I was only 19...I knew I had gone from sin soaked to filled with the Holy Spirit….And NO ONE could make me budge on that!!! I am not knocking anyone's church...but that was what the Holy Spirit led me to do...so-I did! As I hungered for the word , I later discovered all of the answers to what I was experiencing in the scriptures -which blew my mind even further when I also read that God writes His word upon our hearts!!!!(before I even read those Biblical truths, God had written them on the walls of my heart) Well, being so in love with the Lord it took that crafty devil no time to find my weaknesses. Being a baby Christian, I was wide open for an enemy attack! Well, He used many things to distract and tempt me. Remember, He always appears as an angel of light....never saw him coming--I had so many kinks in my armor. My main downfall, was getting out of God's word and not focusing on Him. So...without going into all the details, let me just say that not only did I fall--let's say--crashed!!! At 25, I wanted to die.(death would have been welcomed) I confided in our pastor who was there at that time. There were so many secrets that had tormented me for years. I was trying soooo hard to remember how to hear God,to feel God, for Him to love me, to find the light I had known, begging for direction... My biggest fear was that if anyone knew all my secrets…. they would never love me again. How could God even love me...I turned my back on the most awesome love I had ever known, and walked away to do my thing....isn't that unforgivable? I could certainly not tell Hank. I had betrayed him most of all...I was in HELL and little did I know, it would get worse before it got better.(and I walked right into it) Did I not deserve this? Well, as I read in scripture searching frantically, I was pretty sure scripture was pointing toward confession to my Father in heaven AND my husband. But the silence kept me in prison. So...surely I thought I could trust this new preacher we had and he would give me answers from God’s word. I was paralyzed with fear as the words finally came out of my mouth and then… down came his slam on the desk with a loud “NO!” with his finger pointed in my face. He proceeded to tell me that was not Biblical and only selfish on my part for wanting to tell Hank these things I had kept from him. I was humiliated and broken even more. He never opened his Bible, nor did he pray with me… nothing...just talk-talk-talk. If I wanted someone to tell me their opinion, I could have gone to just about anyone. I needed a pastor, a shepherd…I needed someone to tell me the truth…GOD’S TRUTH! Looking back, it was all just empty chatter. (Actually, he confirmed what I had already feared. I now know….that was not the voice of my Lord!!!) Oh, many in our church thought he was the most wonderful preacher, but I begin that very day to see a totally different man than many did. (I now realize that many of those people just wanted their ears tickled. But I needed REAL healing and a REAL Christian counselor!) He fooled many, but when plum lined with scripture, He was clearly a wolf in sheep's clothing. Any old Joe can be popular—entertain--- and even be very much liked…. but a ‘friend’ is not what a hurting and lost world needs…this world, people, and yes ME TOO…. we are all in desperate need of a preacher. Finally, he was asked to leave our church. A friend of mine later confessed he had shared --in a very degrading way --- the things I had shared in confidence with him that day. Thank goodness I had the courage to continue searching for help. Please understand…it was about survival at this point. I HAD to have Jesus…His presence….the oneness I had known before…I had to have it back, or I really knew I could not survive! It was now my lifeline…my oxygen. I finally found a lady that was a Christian counselor in Tupelo that loved Jesus and, did not only use her Bible, but lived by it and loved by it! That began my healing journey. She showed me scripture after scripture and God chiseled it onto my heart. I eventually shared all my dark secrets with my husband and family members and THAT was when God began blowing our minds as a miraculous healing began in my heart and in our marriage! Looking back, it still amazes me at how detailed He is in everything!
However, I now share all this for a reason. The time between living in silent hell and finding a Christian I could trust and that helped save my life lasted the span of four years!! Four LONG YEARS!!! I very well remember driving around many nights after my husband and little girls had gone to bed…just riding and riding by houses of people I loved and I knew they loved me and they loved Jesus but mostly… I KNEW Jesus loved them!! No one- unless you have been there- can imagine the lonely, dark, pit of despair I was in. It is by the grace of God I didn't take my own life. I was a mess and never dreamed God could ever love me, or heaven's sake use me AND redeem my past!?!? Although every day I would search the Psalms over and over... I especially camped out in Psalm 51. I just wonder how many times I prayed,"restore unto me the joy of thy salvation ...and I will teach transgressors Thy ways"??Then I would also pray from Joel, "restore the years the locust had eaten" I plead daily for my life to be restored...to be in God's presence, to hear His voice. The way He had before, straight from His word...but...until I let go of myself...it did not happen. And when I did...it did not happen immediately. It took years of counseling and truly I had to renew my mind with God's word. In the book I am writing, this is all covered and a little more detailed. [Some may say that is 'ruining my reputation' or airing dirty laundry but I think it is called overcoming by the 'word of my testimony' as it clearly states in Revelation] Not all are called to share, but I know the Lord has called me to. If not for any other purpose but to help another poor soul in prison find hope in the Lord while trapped in their own silent hell. So I may tell them..."GOD LOVES YOU!" Keep on...HE WILL lead you to the place of healing!!! He is Jehovah Rapha...The God who Heals!!! Amen!! The greatest blessing was the freedom to be transparent and being totally free! I learned so many lessons on the importance of communicating...keeping short accounts with God and others....never get too far from my Shepherd...and so many more. Almost twenty years have gone by now , but I never want to forget those dark years and the lessons I learned there. Oh, believe me..I have had dark moments since but it's not the same kind of darkness. I no longer dwell there, nor am I lost in it. The past few years have been some of the darkest moments I, and my family, have faced in some time. I have felt as if I were in a dark room walking with my arms in front of me...just reaching out in faith. There have been times when I could hardly breathe the pain hurt so badly. It seems it has been one major blow after the other and unfortunately, in almost all the situations, it has not seemed possible to communicate and talk through issues with the others involved ---even though I tried--it was just not going to happen. Now, I don't know what new lessons God has for me to learn exactly during these heart wrenching trials, but I hope I learn soon because it tough and my soul aches and is weary. However, I remember the past lessons...His promises that I firmly stand on now! "He will never leave me or forsake me"..." For if the Son shall make me free...I am free indeed!!" ..."Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ"... I breathe His word in and out and although there is great strength in His Word... my heart aches over the people I have known all my life believing the worst about me and don't even bother to ask me if it is even true or not. This leads me back to my first sentence. I am often perplexed and the people that think they know me. See, if they REALLY knew me...they would know that when you have been where I have been, there is NO WAY I would do ANYTHING to ever risk not hearing God's voice again. I sing a song that I refer as my ‘heart song’~~"Alabaster Box". If anyone has ever heard me share my story and then heard me sing this song...you can't help but know that I mean every ounce of what I am singing. "You don't know the cost of the oil, in my Alabaster Box"...You know, only God REALLY knows, but then again, that's really the one that matters! I guess it hurts because since my past was redeemed from the pit, I have prayed that others would see Him in my life....and to think I have not been that witness breaks my heart. I do think that taking a stand , by the Word of God, is always the right thing...but I can only do what I am asked to do, and God will take care of the rest."We must obey God rather than men." If the Holy Spirit guides it is always according to the scriptures and NEVER contrary to them. For now, I must trust God to see me through this storm and this time, I WILL NOT take my eyes off of him! And although people may doubt and speak out of their ignorance because they choose to see, hear, and believe what they wish to ...just know, I would so much rather my name be in good standing in the streets of heaven than the streets of my hometown...or in this case, sadly, my home church. It just doesn't add up that I would, throughout my Christian walk, be honest with others and tell my husband , and those closest to me, the hard truths about my life, then lie or not be honest with much less significant things. I may be a lot of things,because I can assure you God still has much work to do in me, but I am not a liar, nor am I the type to not tell you straight out what's in my heart. Well, you see, that's my struggle and where I must let go. Sometimes it seems holding on and trying to make things right is what makes us strong, but sometimes, it is in letting go that gives us our strength. I will close with the rest of the song~~~~ "You weren't there, the night Jesus found me, you did not feel what I felt, when He put His loving arms around me...and You don't know the cost, of the oil, no...you don't know the cost of my praise...you don't know the cost of the oil, in my Alabaster Box.."~~~~ I love you, Lord. Thank you for loving me through the darkness of the night time of my soul and help anyone that may read this now that may be struggling in their own darkness. I pray they receive the strength they need… That they may have hope and faith. Send them people into their lives they can trust and who will love them unconditionally, the way You love, Lord. Show them your marvelous light!! I thank you for hearing my prayer then-- and now. I love you and I ask this in Jesus name, Amen

The Gospel According to Birdie

"We love you,Conrad, oh yes we do, we love you , Conrad, and we'll be true..." I wonder just how long it will take to get that song out of my mind, soul, and spirit?I must admit, I am feeling my age!!! The past five weeks have completely wiped me out! Our community theatre just finished the production of "Bye Bye Birdie"--start to finish in FIVE weeks. WOW! That was quite and undertaking for us all! The teens and adults all just jumped in as a team and it all came together beautifully. Oh..we all had our moments but everything was ironed out by the time the curtain was drawn on the first performance. The adults were great! I reconnected with old friends, and was blessed at the new friends that I made!I absolutely fell head over heels in love with all of the teens that were in the play! I am so impressed with the talent that roams through the halls in the Houston Middle and High School!Our director, Janet Coker, is the real trooper though!! She had to be exhausted at all the drama that went on in the process leading up to this event , but she handled it like a pro with pure grace and dignity, and we were all stronger as a whole for it. Her encouragement also went a long way!! Not to boost our ego but to walk with us, listen to us, and help us figure out how we could work together to make 'our' play better. I personally was way out of my comfort zone. Oh, the songs didn't bother me, or the lines, and it didn't even bother me that I had to somehow pull off being Spanish.(I look sooo NOT Spanish...Irish maybe...Spainish...ahh-not a chance) No, I had to dress in a sexy dress , sing with a Spanish accent , and DANCE.....in a BAR! I know , it's acting...but you can't fake sexy....or dancing!!! Oh, in high school, I was always placed in the back line during cheerleader dances. I have never been a dancer and have been perfectly ok with that..but now...I had to in front of my friends and family. I could feel the entire cast cheering me on as I began the"Spanish Rose" number. Friday, I pulled it off without a hitch!!In my heart, I could feel my fellow cast members with me. I had made a deal with Nolen Hood, who played Conrad Birdie and was not comfortable with his Elvis moves any more than I was my Latino moves. I told him if I could go out in that little black dress and dance and sing(IN A BAR) that he could shake his leg and move his hips! AND HE DID!! Todd , who was my love interest Albert Peterson, and I messed up one song every single time in rehearsal. We actually nailed it at the performance and as soon as the curtain closed....we were all doing major high fives and hugging and doing the happy dance until the curtain re-opened. From notes in songs our friends mastered(like my new friend that stole my heart..Agnes Williams'Mae Peterson' did)to dances,lines, props,etc....you get the picture... We had bonded as a group and were in this together and needed each other. Five weeks and we were so protective of one another and wanted to help, support, and cheer one another on. As I said, we had our moments...but in the end....we were a team. How ironic that during these five weeks, there were so many other things in so many of our lives that were also changing. God has always had me where He wanted me at just the right time because had I not been busy with this play, I fear I would have gotten too involved in some matters I really didn't need to be involved in. In saying that, I also noticed how like a community we were and the lessons we could learn from our 'Birdie Time'. Things like supporting one another and truly being happy for anothers well being. Encouraging one anothers strengths and being mindful of their weaknesses. As I said, the talent the teens possess is extraordinary but Molly May, who is a sophomore at Houston High School is phenomenal!!! She has a rare talent that is truly a gift from God. When she sings, it is as if everyone just stops whatever they may be doing or thinking just to listen. As talented as this young lady is, she could not do the entire play alone. She needed us as well as we needed her and together....we were able to complete the play. We each knew that some may have more parts than another, but each person was needed in order to be complete. Also, as it is often with groups, feelings get hurt. Sometimes intentional, sometimes not, and at times just because people were pushed to far. That is when Janet would ride in on her white horse for an intervention. As a good leader will do, many times, no one even realized she was intervening for them.(to keep peace) As I have stepped back from the play back into reality...I realize how similar life is to being at our play practices and how many lessons we could take away from it.We have a script to learn---PERIOD! We are not to re-write it, just learn it and do what it says. I don't have enough lifetime to explain Dr. Newall to you. He was music director and most of the fires that were put out...he started...But he was a stickler for staying true to the script and musical score.(Even if it meant I danced with a briefcase...oh, yeah..I had to go there) Saying this, by sticking to the script, there was no question of what to do. At times, especially when many teens are in the mix, not to mention many different adult personalities, troubles arise. The number one problem are people hurting each other. I have often quoted my girl, Beth Moore, "Hurt people, hurt people". When this would happen, our fearless leader would go to that person- talk things-out and once again- we would go forward. It helped that our dear Mr. Macafee was played by Brother Randy Rhineheart who is one of the most godly preachers I have ever known. He was always being a man after God's own heart and was quick to encourage, pray, or be His servant in any way he could. He was a pure blessing to us all! I had a mini-breakdown a time or two but I knew I had made a commitment and had to keep going. I just have to parallel this to our Christian walk. How many ways does God have to prove that His 'Script' (HIS WORD) is not to be tampered with or altered. We are not to pick and choose which parts we want to obey or even hear for that matter.[and woe to the ones who use it as a form of manipulation]And when we have ANY problem with one another- scripture clearly teaches us to go to one another...Right then...don't even let sun go down on anger. Just like the young people in the play getting upset because so-in-so is upset because so-in-so said--- oh my word---say what you will about them but adults are exactly the same way. Scripture says come as little children but I know this is NOT what it meant. How happy Satan is when he sees a group of believers so busy bickering and back biting that none are about God's business. I for one am exhausted!!!I don't know why people wonder why some never want come to church...gee, they may see and hear the behavior Christians have in everyday life. People can do every mission known to man and men may approve but it's all about the heart. That's what God sees.When will we realize that we need one another. We were never meant to BE the play...but A PART of it. That's the body of Christ is it not? I know I have to always check my motives and pray for a clean heart(PS.51) because scripture clearly shows me without God's mercy and grace...I am worthless.(a filthy rag)I know that I make mistakes every single day of my life but one thing I have no problem with is communication. I worked at a church for 7 years and believe me it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do IN MY LIFE! I was talked about , behind my back, for years. Although I knew who it was and usually what was said...I knew God had led me to do or not to do the very things that were talked about.(and I am not saying the things I heard through the grapevine weren't ligament concerns) What I wouldn't have given for those to come to ME and share concerns and talk it out instead of discussing it with everyone else. I now realize that some must prefer strife. Some like to be in the middle of a drama more than anything else I do believe.My heart for one has been broken over and over and over by the church,by people, and just by life in general.We ALL have. But God is a healer..Jehovah Rapha--"God Who Heals" AMEN!!! I praise God He has grown me up knowing the local church is not "the" church and our churches are all flawed.(ALL OF THEM)However, our churches sure are a reflection to our community, to the unsaved and for those who don't have a church home, to the hurting, and is really a family in many ways.(well, it has been to me anyway) In my family..we talk everything out. Hank and I celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary March 2 and we learned the hardest way possible over the years just how important it is to be honest NO MATTER WHAT...talk EVERYTHING out...and most of all...LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. Funny but I seem to assume I should apply that to all situations since that is what God's word says. Many times in my home , working with the youth at church,and most recently play practice, I witnessed what happens when a teen is confronted about something they have said,done, or anything they may be in question about...they get into defensive mode and blame everyone else. Sounds familiar doesn't it?I know that Satan is the author of confusion and only God's pure light can shine through the darkness.What do roaches do when a light is turned on in their darkness? SCRAM! Sin always wants to scram too. Guilty people seldom want to sit and talk but as Christians, I feel we shouldn't go for the purpose of condemning BUT for the purpose of mending. Things like anger and resentment tucked inside someone and kept quiet just grows like fungus in the dark.(spreads and attacks your body like cancer) And gossip is often totally a warped version of some truth.I think we all need to be about spreading the gospel rather than spreading gossip. Satan divides...God multiplies..which are you doing? Yes, as busy as I was....life was much easier going ninety to nothing during play practices and now that it's over...I have a heavy burden for my church family and that is literally breaking my heart. I don't know what you may be going through at this time but whatever it is-take Jesus by the hand and just get to the heart of the matter. In Him, there is always ,ALWAYS peace!(we have so much junk in the way we often forfeit true peace though)This is reality...THIS IS NOT PLAY PRACTICE---THIS IS LIFE!! However, I made a commitment long ago...about 24 years ago to be exact...to Jesus. To love Him, honor Him, follow and hide his Word in my heart that I may not sin against Him. Now, I can't fix all the problems around me...but I can be open, honest, and obedient to the things He places before me. I can be the best I can be which apart from Jesus , is pretty much, well actually, is absolutely nothing.All I can give Him is me. May my new song be.."I love you, Jesus, oh yes I do, I love you, Jesus, and I'll be true..." Now that is one song I never ever want to get out of my mind, soul, or spirit.

That's all I have the energy for right now,
LO